Need marriage advice...........?

Question

My hubby is a design engineer, he works a lot of late hours. The earliest he gets home is 6:30. I'm a stay at home mom, so I try to plan on dinners so we can all sit down together. That's how I grew up and I want to continue that tradition. I feel like he's never home. I know his job is busy, but darn it, I think his family is more important and we need him. He says he's working his *ss off for us, but I'd rather live frugally and have him home more. Then while walking out the door today, he informed me he won't be home until after 10 pm. If it was just me here, I wouldn't mind, but we have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. They have been repeatedly sick with ear infections or bad colds, so have I, pluse I have high blood pressure and meniere's disease ( inner ear disease that causes hearing loss and vertigo). I feel like I'm a single mom and he won't listen to me. He just tells me if I think I can find a better husband do so. I just want him and my family together. HELP?

It's rare that he's home at 6:30. I don't make my kids wait that long to eat. I'm tired of serving two meals. I'm at my wits end here. I think we should see a counselor, but he doesn't. He doesn't see anything wrong with our marriage. Then he wonders why I don't want to have sex every night!!! What should I do, I'm tired, grumpy depressed and my children are bothered by not having their daddy around. I can tell because they act up when he's not around.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need to grow up. Supporting a family is a big part of "family life", do you ever think of how rough it is on him?

Answer 2

If there is one thing I cannot stand is when a stay at home mother complains that the father works too much. You said yourself, you made the choice to do so. You do not know what it is like to be the sole provider for a family. Everything in the family rests on your ability to being in money. If you fail, the family is for very tough times.

My ex decided to not work for a year. I didn't mind, since our oldest was a baby. But, I had to work long hours, overtime, and side jobs to make ends meet. She complained the whole time about the hours I worked. But, the bills were paid, they were taken care of, and never went without anything they needed. You do not understand the pressure you are under when you are the working spouse. Then, to have someone complain that you work too much, you just don't want to hear it.

Both those children are old enough to enter daycare. The good daycares usually even have some sort of curriculum for teaching. Kids also learn a great deal just being around other kids, and they get to "socialize". If you got a job, it would ease some of the burden of bringing in the money, maybe allowing him more time at home.

My theory is if one of the spouse's stays home, leaving only one to work, that spouse should never complain that the other is working too much. At least they are working.

Answer 3

I think you should stop your complaining and thank God that he is a working man that makes enough for you to stay home and raise your kids. You make the best of what you have. You are crying about your health and the kids health and any mother knows that, when a kid have a bad cold the ear infection come. You're tired of fixing two meals, then leave and let an independent woman have him. He was right when he tells you to find a better man after working those long hours and come home to an attitude and no sex. Vacation will come up. and I'm sure if you spoke nicely every once and a while and tell him you and the kids miss him, how about taking one day out to spend with you all. Girl you best light some candles after the babies go to bed and wait for that man to come home and give it to him like you never have before and after it's all over kiss him and tell him THANK-YOU. When he say for what? You say for working so hard to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, a car to drive and allowing me to be home to raise the kids. If you think that's too much then, he can't be away that much, you made two babies. You better get it in gear before he get tired of coming home to a nagging wife and find someone else to wear a teddy, light a candle and etc...

Answer 4

Wow! Do I remember those days! My husband is AF and when the children were little he was just starting his career and was gone for weeks even months at a time. How did I keep things in perspective? I tried to remember that we both had a job to do. He was not only working and bringing in the money but he was worrying about making enough, worrying about the children (especially when they were sick, and worrying about me, being home with the kids all day and putting a career on hold for the family.) Instead of whining I put everything into my kids and hubby and home. Now we have a great marraige and he appreciates what I sacrificed for the family and even more importantly I appreciate what HE did for us! Remember he has a lot to worry about, much more than changing diapers and keeping the house clean. Tell him you appreciate him! you will get much more in return for kind words than mean angry words. I know this sounds old fashioned, but while our friends have long since divorced we are going 17 years strong, with a great marriage still filled with love and romance, we have great kids who appreciate us and we have a future that is looking great! Not a day goes by where he doesnt tell me how much he appreciates ME! Good luck!

Answer 5

I can help you I think. I have the same situation. But I have it in my second marriage (after having it also in my first), so I have the experience of knowing how to handle it and how NOT to handle it.
Firstly, requesting/demanding anything with an accusatory tone is the first step for your husband to resist change. The approach to any argument, ESPECIALLY this one is to begin with, "you work so hard and I am very lucky......"
Always point out the good qualities and how much you appreciate the reasons your husband works so late. Then offer or ask, "what can I do to help, make things better in this relationship?" This is a good way to disarm him, and then put forth your very reasonable request.
What I have imposed on MY house is that he is to be here at least one weeknight for dinner and Sundays are strictly for family. It doesn't sound like much, but when you request such a small amount, you usually GET more back, which I do.
Don't bombard him with what you need and want, simply point out how much better it is for your kids and your marriage.
There is one simple summary which I used myself, "For every hour you aren't here and are away from us, you aren't gaining that much from your job. But that hour could be VERY productive at home. What you would lose in work time would make NO difference in the long term effects of your job or our income, but it WOULD make a very big difference if spent at home with your family. If we lose $200 a week, then we will find somewhere to cut that from our budget." He wouldn't have to give up alot to GET alot out of it. Don't ask him to be home everynight. It's impossible. Be reasonable, be willing to make a trade and give something (even though you already give alot), be supportive of what he's trying to do, and this theoretically will get you a husband who is willing to give back. Also, ask for more notice of his schedule. There's no reason he should announce on his way out the door that it will be a 10:00 night. That's simply rude. Try to set up the week in advance. It will be easier to plan meals, it will encourage him to keep the committment he made, and it will avoid you being disappointed at the last minute. You can do this, and he can to. What you are asking is very reasonable and I can tell you (and you can tell him) absent spouses are the reasons for many breakups......NOT because you can find someone better but because if you don't nurture your relationship, it dies.

Answer 6

I had an argument with my wife a few days ago. We got married last year, and her complaint was that I do not spend enough time with her too. In situations such as yours, being honest and open with your partner is crucial. If there is no communication, it can lead to misunderstandings that can run the risk of ending a marriage. Tell him about your concerns. Leave the kids with relatives or a babysitter. Go out for dinner, and talk about it. There must be a compromise because thats what marriages are all about. There has to be some give and take.

Answer 7

my mommy is going throught the same thing, but you no what it works out in the end.
Lemme tell you a real story that always makes me cry lol
my mom met my dad (abnormally smart electrical engineer)
they got hitched and all and had me i was born with a cataract and my rents didnt have a lot of dough so my daddy made his own business ever since he either never comes home for a few days or he comes home at 2 am then sits his a** in front of the tv with a fudgicle while on the laptop watching tv. He will go to bed at 5 and wake up at 7 to drop me and my 2 sisters to school.
My mom has dealt with this stress for almost 18 years (in july). She's now on prozac cuz she is depressed. I am depressed and i can understand why she is. When I try to get my dad to help me out in my hmk he wont cuz hes "too busy" its like i dont have a dad and my mom a husband. Its a lot of stress *damn im tearing* and this is from a 14 year old girl that most people dont listen to. But i hope that things go good for you. And stay with him please at least for your children. Unless he is abusive then get out of it.
I have 2 sisters, one 10 and another 3 . And every night my parents fight. My mom does stuff behind his back for us. (pay for tutoring etc) and i love my mom for that. Then dad gets pissed off at her and it makes me cry becuz he never was a good role model or father

thanx

eli

Answer 8

Alright, your husband has a job, he's putting food on the table, paying the bills, and lacking his deads as a spouse? I don't like the fact that he made the comment if you think you can find a better husband then do so??? What's up with that? You're on the outside looking in and you realize that there is a problem here. I see no wrong in you wanting the two of you to seek counseling. If he doesn't wish to go with you then I would go for yourself. He may see a change within you and that could be a positive thing. Perhaps the counselor can help you to build your self esteem up. Do know that you can't change this man. He will have to do it for him self.

Answer 9

I know wat u mean. I've been thru it 2 and almost got a depression from it. My hubby work very irregular hours then. Sometimes he doesn't even came back for days. When he did, he juz glued himself to the bed 4 hrs. When he's awake, off he went back to work. I don't got 2 c him often not 2 mentioned my kids. When i tried 2 talked to him, he'll brushed me off by telling me 2 find a better guy than him. My kids were quite young then.
How did i resolved it? Well, i got te kids to complain whatever they did to me to him whenever he was @ home. Let him experienced some of my stress, despite other things around te hse. After awhile, he realised tat it was 2 much 4 him 2 handled 2. He finally settled down 2 a talk with me. We had a good talk abt it n able 2 readjusted everything to make sure tat kids will b able to receive attention and care from both of us. We'll still stick to tis kind of arrangement even till now. Hope my story helps.

Answer 10

well...maybe he doesnt want to live frugally. did you ask him that? maybe that's why he's working so hard to keep his family from living frugally and from living check to check. why do you feel the need to serve two meals? why not just fix him a plate and leave that in the microwave for your husband to heat up himself whenever he gets home? you don't HAVE to make your kids wait to eat that late. that is your choice, not a requirement or an obligation. you may have to accept the fact that your 'tradition' of eating together may have to be reduced to a couple of times a week instead of every day. just because you are willing to live frugally doesn't mean that he wants to. and since he makes the money...well...he has his family to provide for (in addition to future expenses regarding his children). he could be working for their college education. did you think about that? maybe thats why he's working so much. besides...maybe you should get some activities of your own that don't include your husband and your family. i'm not trying to be mean. i'm just trying to get you to think beyond what you see. instead of just sitting there...why don't you get up and do something for yourself. stop waiting on your husband to get home and find some activities of your own that YOU and only you want to do. your children have theirs...your husband has his...and now what about you? you can either sit there and be misreable or you can do something for you. besides...you are complaining way too much. get some activies outside of your husband and your children. being married and having kids is not the end all and be all to life.

Answer 11

Your husband, unfortunately, is missing on out his own children growing up. He will live to regret that he wastefully occupied his time with work. Someday, he will look into his children's eyes and realize how little he knows of his own flesh and blood and time is cruel -- none of that can ever be replaced. Secondly, if he isn't willing to try to see how all of his long work hours are destroying the exact thing that he says he is working for, than what kind of marriage do you have? While he might think it noble of him to make such sacrafices, he should take a closer look and realize that every life needs balance. Not just for the benefit of his children, or his marriage, but even for himself. He, too, will find himslef empty and alone, cut off emotionally from what he once knew as his family. He will be a stranger in his own home. You have a legitmate problem on your hands. Either he is going to have to start listening to how you feel, or you might just have to find another husband like he told you to do.

He is an adult, and it shouldn't take much more than a heart-to-heart talk with him to realize his marriage is in jeopordy, his children are fatherless and he MUST find a way to rearrange his priorities. I don't think this is something he needs to be "coached" into doing, or persuaded. He is a husband and a father, and a grown man and this is non-debateable subject. Just be strong and let him know how you feel. He has the option to make it better or to dismiss your feelings. He is well aware of the implications of both.