My wife brings me down.....Help me.?

Question

Married 10 years. 3 beautiful children. Love her to death. I am outgoing, she is introverted. I am positive, she is negative. She always thinks the worse and expects it to happen. I treat her great, show her I love her ( massages, flowers, sweet notes before work, gifts etc.) I try to give her everything . I feel like she just wants me to pay her bills so she can shop all day. At my request --we went to counceling-- did not work? Any suggestions? I feel empty inside and I worry about the children.

Answer 1

Well first off...many women play the "brakes" for their husbands asperations. Taking risks is a very male thing. Men crave conquest and problem solving. They like to make goals and reach them...
Women are not like this generally. We thrive in safety. We like safe because we naturally worry about things. It is our nature and has been put in women to help her in dealing with children and their safety. Safety is important to how a woman views the harmony in her home. It is meant as a compliment to men's more adventurous natures. Men are the gas and women are the brakes. That's how it is for many couples.
Too much shopping? Make a ledger of your bills and how much you pay in bills and how much for recreation and perhaps show her in terms of percentages. 1/3 should be for housing..."X" percentage for groceries and bills and gas...etc....THIS is how much you spend on shopping. Tell her you love her and want her to have all the things your provision can provide...but this is "too big of a piece of the pie than I'm comfortable with. How can we make it a smaller piece?" If you involve her and educate her on your finances and she still goes crazy shopping.....put your foot down and say NO! Tell her she is affecting your future together and you need as much of the extra petty cash at the end of each paycheck as possible to plan and save for your (hers and yours and the kids) future. If you have to...cancel credit cards and don't allow her to take any out in your name. But show her first. It could be that she is unaware of how much it is affecting your life....how bad it really is. Give her a set amount you both agree on for her to "shop" with and no more. Her spending habits sound like they need to be reigned in a bit.

Answer 2

3 babies, what are the ages? you are saying that you treat her great, but are you helping her with children? It's really big stress for women - first pregnancy, can you imagine whole body is changing even heart is moving a few centimeters and all this change of hormones, try to imagine going through this for three times in row. Then newborn - nights without sleep, baby is crying and you don't know what he/she wants, you look in the mirror and are terrified of what you see there, so try to imagine all this and you will understand that no messeges, flowers or sweet notes can help make her feel better. Just give her some time to recover from all this and try to help her with raising children. It's good that you are concerned with this, because most of husbands don't even realize what is happening with their wifes.
Good Luck, I'm sure everything will be fine!

Answer 3

If you've been married ten years and have 3 children then that would put your wife at about the point where women naturally start to worry. It just goes with the territory. Not all women do it but enough of them that it is a distinguishable pattern. And when you think about it, having 3 kids exposes her to a lot of potential grief. Something *could* happen to one of them. You probably don't think this way because you are busy providing for your family.

My guess is that your wife has too much time on her hands. She needs something to do. Maybe she could volunteer somewhere. Helping people is a good way to avoid feeling depressed. And your wife, based on your descriptions sounds depressed. And if she worries in addition, it's classic. Depression and anxiety go together. The shopping thing is problably her flawed way of trying to deal with this. She may not realize what's going on with her.

I understand how you feel. I know how hard it is not to get pulled down. Being around a depressed person is depressing. The best of people can't fight it well enough to avoid its effects.

I am dealing with everything you mentioned except the shopping. So I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to be around but all you can do is be there for her.

An introverted person can end up feeling very uncomfortable when you show affection, buy flowers, bring gifts, and write notes. She might actually like these things but lacks the enthusiasm to express it.

Try your best to be depressed for a few days so you can begin to imagine what it is like. It can get so bad that you literally don't want to do anything. Based on your descriptions, I think this will only get worse. I would go the bookstore and buy some books on depression. Take her with you if she'll go. Both of you read some of these books together and talk about how it relates to her. Depression can be very isolating so there may be a lot she is not telling you.

Somehow, you've got to live your life and find ways to insulate yourself from the affects of this but at the same time, try to remain connected with her. But I understand how hard it is to maintain a connection with somebody who doesn't seem to want it or feels uncomfortable with any sort of closeness.

I would stop giving her stuff. She might see that as some sort of substitution for you. I don't know. Try to give her your time. Set up a date night every week and take her out. Talk to her if she'll talk. Not about anything in particular. Just let her talk and you listen and participate. Try to bring her out of her shell.

I know what you're going through. It's not easy and there is no quick fix. It'll take time and patience to see her through this.

Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 4

I have four generations of clinical depression in my family. I was also in your wife's shoes once upon a time. When I DID attempt to talk to my husband about it to seek help his response was "Well that's just to bad, I CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY! You'll just have to make your ownself happy." That was not the answer nor the support that I was looking for and needed. If she attempts to talk to you about it, suggests that you find a counselor THAT SHE LIKES and is COMFORTABLE with. Clinical depression has been proven to be genetically transferred through generations. Do some research and try to find out if others in HER FAMILY bloodline have the same issues. Talk to her siblings' spouses if you can...see if they secretly have the same problem. Many times people do not want other family members to know what they THINK is their personal business.
Lastly, have you ever been unfaithful to her or vice a versa? If the answer is yes, it is borderline impossible to get that trust back and it will destroy your marriage in the end anyway. If that is the case, get out now and don't WASTE 15 yrs of your life like I did. It is better to move on and try to be happy with someone else and she would have to do the same. And if all of that fails, start looking for tell tale signs that possibly she is having an affair and is just miserable when she is not with whom she wants to be with. Hope this helps ... it comes from the voice of experience!! Good Luck and let us know if the answers help. There were a lot of good suggestions even before I started typing.
God Bless, SS

Answer 5

Is she aware how you feel? this is a terrible position for any one to be in and feel like you do, I think I would be so resentful I would be in a tizzy all the time. and women wonder why their husbands wander on them. As for getting her to change , it can be done but it is not pleasant, pull back on the Mr wonderful, I am not saying be nasty, but treat her exactly like she treats you, and hopefully she will see the difference and ask why, and then you can tell her" you get what you give," And you are working for the entire family, so perhaps the budget needs to be redone and money put away for family things and not senseless shopping for stuff. Some times if we can actually see what we are doing we will ignore it until it is proven what a self centred person that we have become. best of luck

Answer 6

I hate to answer a question with questions but here's a few to ask yourself and her. Are the kids young and draining her of her energy? Does she work outside the home? Does she know you love her or is she feeling insecure and looking for your positive affirmations? Is she depressed, bipolar? You sound like a wonderful husband, ask her to see her doctor and take care of herself so she can feel better and be there for you and the children. The entire family needs to feel happy again. Take her out on a date and talk about how your relationship has grown and changed since you got married, this will help you lead into how unhappy she has become. Good Luck, I hope it all works out!

Answer 7

First off, not to be rude, but I'm guessing she's smoking hot...
Ok here goes:
Sounds like you are giving her what YOU think is romantic. You have to meet her needs as well (although not exclusively, it is a two way street). Meet her half way, and make sure she does too. Maybe you guys have fallen into a rut or something. Try spice things up. Have her free up the weekend for a "couple's counseling retreat," then blow her away by taking her to a romantic bed and breakfast or something for the weekend.

Good Luck

Answer 8

Er dude, what are you looking for?? She is what she is and there's nothing you could do about it.

Ask her if she's seeing someone. If she is then it's her problem.

Ask her why did she marry you in the first place if this is all you can offer??

Seriously, your wife has issues.

Worst case scenario, divorce and take custody of the children.

Nuff said.

Go watch the movie: The Persuit of Happyness by Will Smith.

Answer 9

You sound a lot like me. My husband is incredibly negative and always looks for the down side of everything. It's very frustrating and hard to live with. In my case, I think my husband is clinically depressed and would benefit from meds, but he won't go to the doctor- maybe your wife needs solo counseling or meds? Maybe she just needs something in her life to get excited about, like a job or a hobby. Just ideas- you've probably already thought of them yourself. Good luck.

Answer 10

OK, you told us how wonderful and perfect YOU are and how completely pathetic your wife is. There is NO perfect person on this earth - if you were such a wonderful husband, you would not be dissing your wife to a few million people. you did not manage to utter ONE single beautiful word about her...... (?) if she's really so cr@p, why on earth would you love her so much? look, you probably are a really nice guy, but come on - list some of your own faults too. maybe its YOU that's making her so unhappy..? maybe you're forcing yourself too much on her, maybe you're just too overbearing...too overwhelming, too much in her comfort zone? i don't know, there's just something missing from your story....? hope you'll find a way to work it out... good luck