I have been married for almost 5 years. My wife cheated on me with a co-worker on a few occaisions about 1 1/2 years after our marriage. I think she was in love with the guy but she denied it. Everytime I begin to get past it he somehow comes back into our lives. He will call her about every 6 months(that I know of) and I overheard her friend ask how he was while they were talking on the phone last month( I wasn't eavesdropping, we were sitting next to each other having dinner and she said it loud enough for me to hear)I haven't felt close to her since I found out about it and I don't think I ever will. I try to live a normal and happy life and provide one for my family but it is very difficult. I try to kiss my wife and she just likes to give a quick peck and pull away. We only have sex once a month at most. She is a great mother to our children and is a hard worker but I don't think she is attracted to me physically, but loves me otherwise. ANy advice would be much appreciated!
2007-01-23 16:48:53 · 23 answers · asked by yellowstone34 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You've got a lot to think about. It sounds like there is a lot of unsaid stuff between you.
Do you have the willingness to confront all this openly? I mean "confront" being an introspective personal process, not person to person combative activity. Can you answer hard questions, like "What am I getting out of this relationship?" and "Why am I staying?" and ever more profound, "What best for the children?"
Anybody who immediately says Divorce or Stay cannot answer this question for you.
Can you find a workable solution, that is emotionally healthy for both of you? Then stay in the marriage. Talk to a counselor, one on one at first, then maybe a marriage counselor for joint sessions.
If no workable solution is possible? People may not like my answer. Get a divorce. Regardless, I would recommend talking to a counselor to explore workable solutions, first.
I hear the pain in your voice coming out in your text. You do not have to take on all this burden by yourself.
I wish you the best.
Peace.
2007-01-23 17:16:01 · answer #1 · answered by axon_zenith 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Women don't usually have affairs for sex, they usually are seeking a different communication style or dialogue and then the sex comes into the situation bc it's an obvious outgrowth of the communication with the new partner.
If you two are not doing counseling on this issue and she is not willing to work on it 100% I don't see any true hope. Right now she is coldly brushing you aside, so you have to find out once & for all if she's going to work at counseling or not. If not, you must have the strength to move on.
Even if she ends up with the other guy, that is no guarantee that their marriage will be hunky-dory. With marriage comes responsibilities and that often takes some of the "romance" out of it if both parties are not mature enough to keep things going.
2007-01-23 17:23:33 · answer #2 · answered by Lake Lover 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While you have a legitimate reason to divorce your wife I would hope that you would reconsider for two reasons--and they are both apparently under the age of 5.
I don't want to try to condemn you to a unhappy life but too few people these days consider the kind of life they are foisting off on their kids when they hit these tough patches in their marriage. If you divorce, your children's lives will never be the same and I'm not speaking euphemistically either.
Children never recover from their parent's divorce as many studies have shown. Every aspect of their life suffers. They fall behind emotionally, academically, and intellectually. They are more mistrustful of others and see life in more negative terms. They are less likely to see marriage as a worthwhile option for themselves and are more likely to be promiscuous and to have children out of wedlock. Even the ones that fare "well" say that they have never gotten over the anger, guilt, and sorrow because of their parents divorce.
I'm not saying that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship. No one should have to suffer physical or extreme emotional abuse--or have to be witnesses to it. But then, your kids shouldn't have to suffer because of the bad decisions that you two have made either.
I suggest that you go to family counseling of some kind. Your minister would be a great idea or, if you don't have one, a regular family or marriage counselor. If she won't go then go alone but someone needs to act like an adult in this relationship and it appears that you've been appointed as the "grownup" here.
2007-01-23 17:15:08 · answer #3 · answered by Ellen J 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, are you sure that the 2 kids you have with her are yours. I would tell you this, you have kids with this woman, and you need to sit down and blatently ask her if she loves you, and if she does then she should do whatever she can to make you feel better about this situation, whether its leaving her job, and completely losing contact with that coworker. Ask her if she would tolerate you talking to someone that you had slept with in the past. 3rd party people in a marriage is a bad thing, especially when its someone who has broken your sacred vows that you took when you got married. I would go to counseling, and see what her feelings are on the whole matter, and if that doesnt resolve it, then divorce after you know for a fact that it WILL NOT get better for both of you. But just know this, you should completely devote your life to your kids, which means no dating other women until your kids are 18. I know thats what Dr. Laura says always. Call her and ask her yourself about this question. 1800drlaura. She is a HUGE help! Or buy her book, proper care and feeding of marriage, it helped us out a lot.
2007-01-23 16:56:32 · answer #4 · answered by etrombetta41402 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My hub cheated on me. More than once. Had my children been healthy, I would have divorced and by staying together it sent a clear message to the children that three is ok and that dad does not have to honor, cherish his wife. My grown sons have had a difficult time finding and properly treating their women, and have both ended up in counseling and finally are happy. My daughter despises her dad and doesnt trust men.
She is still in love with the other guy. Let her go. Tell her to go. When she wants to come back, find out why (is it because he left her? or she really wants back? or needs money, security etc).
It is better for your kids to have two seperate families, and juggle that than try to figure out what a marriage should be like.
Your gentleness, kindness will eventually be noticed by someone who can love you fully.
2007-01-24 04:29:16 · answer #5 · answered by whoknowsanymore 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may end up on the path to divorce, but the next step is relationship counseling. In counseling, you can address all issues, including lack of intimacy/sex, and infidelity. Even if the love and trust are gone and you end up divorcing, counseling is important to help the two of you make the best decision together. Many people believe that counseling is about trying to make your relationship work, and that may be the end result for some, but it's truly about communication, expression with a mediator, guidance in your chosen direction, and understanding. Any decisions about staying together or divorcing are your own. Take care... see a relationship counselor.
2007-01-23 17:11:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will never make this marriage last, she left a while ago, although you see potential in her domestic capabilities, she is still a Cheat.I almost think that you have made it comfortable for her to be who she is, just as long as she is around.She may see
you as a good father and a responsible provider, but did I forget to
say her Husband? You can always start being the opposite of how your personality is, and stay with her just to get under her skin. Shes not going anywhere or she would have already, use this to your advantage!
2007-01-23 17:05:25 · answer #7 · answered by Skinz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Divorce her. Your children will always be your children. there are so many other woman out there that you will find someone that will be in love with you and you will have a better life from now on.I know that every time you go close to your wife from the time you find out is nothing the same and you dont feel that she is yours so take the right desicion for you and dont think only about your kids.
2007-01-23 16:58:16 · answer #8 · answered by omonoia 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are well within your rights to divorce your wife. The children though is a different matter if they are girls then the courts would most likely leave them with your wife but boys depending on the exact age would be given to the father. This is the standard unless there are extenuating circumstances and I'm afraid adultery is not one of them.
2016-03-28 23:49:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it does sound rough, but i feel divorce should be the absolute last option.
there was a reason why you two fell in love in the first place. maybe you could go to counseling and you could figure out how to get back to that place.
a word of encouragement... i know of a marriage that looked even grimmer than this situation and they have made it and now you would think they are the perfect couple that never had a problem in the world.
2007-01-23 16:59:08 · answer #10 · answered by tara g 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋