Comments on my poem...?

Question

Can you give comments, or what i can do to make it better? Thanks in advance!
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Why did it have to be this way?
I thought we'd stay friends
There are many things left unsay
How did it all ends?

The lust went away
The feelings were never there
The friendship should have stayed
The things we've shared

You knew the real me
For you I've let it out
Without you I'd never be-
The real me without doubts

Those hugs came naturally
Now I have to watch myself
You're never here fully
Always with somebody else

What has gone so wrong?
You were my shoulder
It has felt so strong
But now it's getting colder

I'm stuck with empty walls
I want it all back
But now I feel so small
Nothing is on track

I need to accept the facts
We're growing apart
Know you've made an impact-
You've opened my heart

Answer 1

This was better than most of the other banal drivel that I've read over the last week.

A spelling error looks to be the only structural problem. The voice is all right, not exactly powerful but not weak.

The voice has the "whatever" sound when I read it again, meaning that the events, while sad, are not enough to spurn any serious emotional reaction. The first things that come to mind as a reaction are: "Oh well, life goes on." If that's the tone you're going for, you hit it head on, otherwise, you missed the mark by a little bit.

Regardless, keep up the work, you have potential.

Answer 2

There are a few grammer problems that I have fixed below. Other than that it is good. Take Care:

Why did it have to be this way?
I thought we'd stay friends
There are many things left unsaid
How did it all end?

The lust went away
The feelings were never there
The friendship should have stayed
The things we've shared

You knew the real me
For you I've let it out
Without you I'd never be
The real me without doubts

Those hugs came naturally
Now I have to watch myself
You're never here fully
Always with somebody else

What has gone so wrong?
You were my shoulder
It has felt so strong
But now it's getting colder

I'm stuck with empty walls
I want it all back
But now I feel so small
Nothing is on track

I need to accept the facts
We're growing apart
Know you've made an impact
You've opened my heart

Answer 3

Touching, it's all I can say. It feels has if you've had such
experiences.

There are a few grammer errors.
All of the hyphens shouldn't be there.
In the third stanza it should be, There are many things left unsaid.
In the fourth stanza it should be, How did it all end?
In the 17th stanza it should be, What went so wrong?

Keep up the good work!

Answer 4

line 3- change from 'unsay' to 'to say' of course I do like that play on words.
line 4- take out did
paragraph 3 *awesome*
line 19- change 'has' to 'once'
line 23- you might want to think about 'for' in place of 'but'

Over all I think it was a pretty good poem, B-. These are just some suggestions you can keep what you have if you want to, it is your poem. I'm not trying to rip it or change it. I just think these changes may help the flow a little.
Keep writing and good luck.

Answer 5

Awesome! It was well-written. Keep up with the good work.
I love to write poems as well, especially friendship poems.
The poem that you wrote has deep meanings behind it.
It expresses out the different feelings of a person.
I love it, really good job!

Answer 6

I liked your poem. I feel you have lived through these lines in real life. I know I was touched by the words that you spoke. If this is your original poem then I think you are very talented. Keep up the good work.

Answer 7

these words would probably be the perfect lyrics for a rock ballad composer

Answer 8

I really like it

...made me tremble and feel my own pain again

don't change it- it definately moved me

thanks

Answer 9

It rates a couple of dozen BRONX CHEERS.