Can any mature adult person help me with this situation I have put myself into again?

Question

I was in an abusive relationship with a man, had 2 children together, and now i'm out of the relationship THANK YOU LORD! but after not being together for about a year and a half, I still have feelings for him, I think! So this past weekend I let him stay at my house with us, thinking an old kindle might lite. I have felt more rejected now than I ever have, Hoping to spend some alone time with him, he decided to go to sleep in the extra bed in the kids
room until they feel asleep. So after a while I went to see if he was coming to bed. He just beat around the bush about it. Asking him if we could talk, I ask him why he was here, and his reply was to see the girls, He made it very clear that after all I have done to him, that he wants nothing to do with me. I just am very lonely I guess & I must be desperate for something, but my heart stays broken up over this man. I read some of his text msgs from his next victums and they think hes such a great guy. Please send me some good advice

Answer 1

Does somebody need to hit you over the head before you realize something didn't work? Apparently, even that may not work. Your relationship with him was a failure. according to YOU he abused you! AND you want him back? With this attitude, expect the cycle to continue. You need to find some self esteem and respect FAST. If not, be prepared to repeat the same mistakes with the next temporary husband.


Your relationship is over, it didn't work out. Be thankful he wants to be a part of your children's lives. And that he doesn't care to knock you around anymore.

"...his next "victums (SIC)" Let us review this statement: It means one of two things, neither of which are very flattering to you.

1. you are convinced he is still abusive...yet you want him back... good show... Let me guess: you were not a Rhodes Scholar? or;

2. you too are abusive... it comes through in your writing. You are verbally attacking strangers that your abusive ex-husband chose over you.

I could go on and on...there is just so much here...

If you were a little smarter...you'd be embarrassed.

Answer 2

lett:

Perhaps all you need is a bit of perspective.

First off, I cannot fathom why you would let this dude back under your roof, after you admit that he was abusive. You seem genuinely happy to have gotten him out of your life, not only for your sake, but for your children as well.

Right?

If for no other reason, the thought of putting the kids BACK through the hell they've already been through should keep you from pursuing all dealings with him, other than those absolutely necessary.

Think...When you were going through the divorce, did you have any fond feelings, did you long for the abuse that he dealt? Did you really miss all the unnecessary crap you and the kids had to deal with? You never mentioned if the abuse was physical...if so, do you miss going to the E.R., or to your family doctor, making up stories to correspond to your injuries so that you don't earn a beating for "ratting" on him?

I know it's not as simple as all that..."It wasn't all bad", right? Had some happier moments too, right? Thinking about it though, the bad heavily outweighs any good, where his behavior's concerned, right? I dunno how long you were together, but it sucks to be on your own after being with someone a while. Looking, dating, it's a hassle, right? Something to be said for familiarity, eh?

You are lonely. That's normal. Please consider any actions that may prove to be DEADLY just to cure lonliness. You did a brave thing, and you're just beginning to find out that the anger and outrage you felt getting this bum out of your life isn't going to carry you much farther. Now is when the real bravery and your true faith has got to come out. Be brave in knowing that you WILL make it without him, and you are better off. Have faith in yourself that you do deserve someone better, and that you will eventually find this person.

No easy answers here, I'm afraid...

Answer 3

Okay so you took a few steps backward, and you see how that went. You have to let him go. You said, "he made it very clear that after all I have done to him, that he wants nothing to do with me." You managed to do without him for a year and a half. You need to give yourself time. You said that you were in an abusive relationship with him, and that you "felt more rejected now than I ever have." You deserve better than him. Be glad that he's out of your life and that he can't torment you like he used to. Now he'll be some other girls pain in the a**. Eventually, he'll show his true colors to his other unwitting victims. Guys like that never change. Try to make a good life for you and your children. They are counting on you. In time you will see things from a different perspective and know that eliminating him from your life was a wise decision. Good luck!

Answer 4

It's not feelings for your abusive ex - it's loneliness, it's fear of being alone, it's sorrow for a relationship you desperately wanted to work, but didn't, it's longing for love. It's a million things but it's isn't love. You can't thank God in one sentence for being out and then suggest you feel something for this guy in the next. Be grateful that you had the courage to break away from this vicious cycle of abuse, and be proud that you are not allowing your little girls to grow up in a home where daddy is mean to mommy and then begin to believe that abuse means love, and when they are older, seek out abusive men for their own relationships. Recognize your courage and celebrate it. Then take some time for you. Learn about yourself - your hopes and dreams. Get back everything about you that living with abuse took away. You can do it. You have already made the first step. Now, make your life so good that the man you include in your life will only make it better. Best of luck to you, sweetie. Be brave. Survive.

Answer 5

oh sweetie, the truth hurts but you really need to listen up!.....

Dump his *** and never look back! So if he wants to be a part of the children's lives is ultimately up to you at this point by the sounds of it, don't just leave the door wide open for him to come waltzing in and trample all over your heart again!

What you really NEED to do is gain some self-respect/confidence...if he was abusive no doubt it ran you into the ground mentally, emotionally, etc...but you simply must pick yourself up and move on completely, he's NEVER going to change...if he doesn't have the ability to decline your lonely-minded invitation to spend the weekend, he hasn't accepted any responsibility for his actions yet, and he may not for many years, do you honestly want to spend YEARS of your own valuable life waiting on him to grow up???!!!!

You say after all you have done to him...what does that mean? Are you still feeling guilty after one and a half years? Were you physically abusive to him or was it him to you? You absolutely are lonely, no doubt about it, but never think of yourself as desperate, hun, woman are programmed to be the nurturers who always want to find a way to make a situation right....just don't give him any more freedoms in your life, he never did deserve them...

p/s...if you choose not to take this advice, you are in for a long road paved with heartache and dissapointment....find yourself and be happy as a single mother, the right man is out there, just relax and fill your time with your children and things that you enjoy, I know it sounds easier in type, but you have to do it!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW THIS SICK INDIVIDUAL INTO YOUR HOME AGAIN! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT!!!

Answer 6

My partner was in an abusive relations with this guy, and he done some very wrong things to her. But time and time again I have noticed she will try to contact him, I will see emails from him on her computer, she says she has blocked him, then he comes back up again.. She met up with him one night and invited him into her home. What I'm trying to say here is that I think woman that have had abuse done to them by a partner, will always for some unknown reason go back to this person. Might be unresolved issues or I don't know, I'm really not sure but the whole point is you might think you still have feeling for this man, but it's more something driving you back to him rather than your true feelings towards him, just remember all those things he done to you, he doesn't love you. But it is normal for you to be drawn back to him. Just remember deep down, you don't really love him if you wanted it to end so badly. You went down that road, it didn't work out, don't go down the road again.
Hope I helped out :)

Answer 7

1st of all.. stop being stupid.. WHYYYYYYYYYYY would u want a man back that was abusive??? do u not remember what it felt like to be scared, to be made to feel like dirt.. treated worse then a dog??? Do u remember possibly ur kids crying from watching it? Or them being to scared to come out of their room??? IVE BEEN THERE.. but i'll be damned if id ever go back to that again..

Remember.. he was controling not only physically but mentally, and he knows just the right buttons to push with u .. he likes knowing he has the power.. be lucky he wants nothing to with u.. You shouldnt even be under the same roof alone with this man.. and u know it..

Maybe u were to gain some self respect for yourself and some confidence in urself u wouldnt need to be so desperate to want someone like him back in your life.. u deserve better, your children deserve better..

Let the abuse stop.. stop torturing urself.. he's still controlling u even if he doesnt want u.. he likes that u want him he likes that he gets to say no, he likes knowing at the snap of his fingers he could have u back any time he wants.. he loves using u , he loves making u miserable, he loves that ur pining for him and he loves screwing around, knowing if all else fails ur his back up plan..

Get away from the same ole crap.. start being confident, u want him to take notice of u.. then be the girl he once knew, confident.. but when he notices u , tell him to kiss ur azz , he had u , he treated u like crap, and now its his turn to pine over u..

Answer 8

You love him. He's the father of your children. Maybe because you know what to expect of him you are willing to put yourself in that situation. BUT you have probably suffered some self-esteem issues due to the fact that you would be in an abusive relationship to begin w/. Work on your self-esteem. Even if it means counseling and realize you deserve a good man. Your children deserve to be happy as well as yourself. He didn't make himself clear either as to why he was there so brush it up to lack of communication. One person will always blame the other. It's classic regardless of who the abuser was the abuser sees himself as the victim. Start over and be happy your out of a bad situation.

Answer 9

First thing, has he changed his abusive behaviour? If he hasn;t kicked him out. If he has changed and you are ready to accept him again, talked to him. Tell him why you did that to him in the past. Tell him that you are upset just like him and say you are doing it for the children too. Tell him you wanted what is best for him. You guys need to communicate, really good communication and you have to trust that he has changed (i mean if he really has) Give him some confidence and be there for him. Everybody needs a second chance expecially if you still loves him and vice versa and also for the sake of kids.

Answer 10

You are having a natural reaction from an abuser relationship .
When you first get free of them you feel like the weight of the world has lifted off of you . But after a time you miss some one paying that much attention to you never mind the kind of attention it was but attention .Please do not fall back in that trap .
He will not forgive you for what you have done to him ?!
Does he even admitt to what he did to you ?My ex didn't take any responsibility for his actions .Don't let the kids see him treat you that way again .and don't fall for what he says to make you feel guilty ,they are great at that .The only thing he has done right is not sleeping with you .Don't confuse the kids .