Here's the quick version. My ex husband and I have a 16 month old son. My ex got remarried this past Saturday, the 20th. No big deal, right? Well--it was a very big deal because I didn't even know he was dating anyone until the Monday of the week they got married--he told me via email......anyway.....she wanted to meet me, so i did. I met her for lunch and she talked and talked and talked. She's 48, been divorced 4 years, is 6 years older than my ex husband and they decided to get married a week earlier. They have only dated since October (presumably they started dating RIGHT after my ex and I'd last attempted reconciliation).
Anyway--I don't know this woman and now he wants me to add her to the daycare pick up list. I have full custody and I don't agree. Am I being unreasonable in not putting her on the daycare list?
2007-01-23 15:10:32 · 24 answers · asked by kathylouisehall 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I would tell her that you really would like to get to know her better and for her to please give you more time with this. If she pressed the issue I would tell her you didn' t even know about her until a week 1/2 ago! Surely she would understand.
(And if neither of them do understand, screw that! I don't blame you at all- this is the most important thing you are talking about here. Just the fact that you would go to lunch with her speaks volumes about how reasonable you already are!)
Good luck!
2007-01-23 15:18:42 · answer #1 · answered by Simply_Renee 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
They're your children and the courts have give you the rights to them. If you don't feel comfortable with this woman picking up your children from daycare (or even letting them come around her) then you don't have to. Not only is it not unreasonable, but I'm sure they'll understand when you say "I don't know anything about your new wife. It's great that you've found someone to share your life with again, but I decide what's best for my son. And at this point I still don't feel comfortable giving your wife (use her name) any responsibility over our son." Does she have children of her own? If not, it's just another reason you have to not trust her. Remember when you first brought your son home from the hospital how you felt nervous letting your OWN mother hold him? It took time before you could pass him on without feeling jumpy to anyway, and now your ex and his new beau will just have to wait before you feel comfortable with her around your son.
Just a side note, it's very inconsiderate of your former husband to not inform you of his marriage plans until just before the wedding, regardless of how long they had been dating. I wouldn't give the relationship two years though (seeing his track record and considering he hasn't been with this woman for more than 3 months and he's already jumped the gun). It would have been a different story if your son wasn't in the picture, but this just shows that he has no consideration for you or your son when it comes to his own activities.
2007-01-23 15:19:08 · answer #2 · answered by Athena 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would not put her on my daycare pick up list. You have only met her one time, and know nothing else about her. It's better to be safe than sorry. Your son probably does not know her or recognize her, it could be pretty scary for him to have a stranger picking him up. I would arrange visiting times so that everyone is together, and go from there. You will be able to determine after more time in seeing how she interacts with your son and he to her. And always listen and watch your son's reactions and behavior.
2007-01-23 15:20:05 · answer #3 · answered by sassy_395 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you have full custody, or joint custody, and you are the primary? Does he have visitation and when he does, does he get them from the daycare? If so, I think she should be added, as he may have to work late, or something of that nature. That is reasonable. I don't see why Dad doesn't put her on it himself for the days he may pick the child(ren) up.
Whether you like it or not, this woman is going to be a part of the child's life. Nothing can be done about that.
Let's put it this way. When I have my kids, I pick them up from the daycare, and return them the next morning. On my weekend, I pick them up on Fri, and return them on Mon morning. I am currently single. In the event I have to work late, I call the ex, and she picks them up, and I get them from her. If I were to remarry(never going to happen), I would add the new wife, to be there to get the kids. This would eliminate a hastle to the ex of picking them up, and my hassle of getting them from the ex, and listening to her complain about it.
You have to choose your battles.
2007-01-23 15:19:50 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
As a stepmom, I would say that you are definitely not being unreasonable by not allowing someone who is a complete stranger to you to have direct access to your child. It seems that his father is being somewhat hasty with his actions - which, obviously, isn't in your child's best interest. Keep an open mind, but a watchful eye... you're doing the right thing (and remember, this is coming from the "other side"). Best of luck!
2007-01-23 15:21:28 · answer #5 · answered by pamperedrotten 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think ur being unreasonable at all. I mean, this is your son and you have to be concerned about his well-being. Your ex has not been dating her for that long, and it seems that you don't really know her at all. I think you should just tell your husband that your uncomfortable allowing her to have responsibility for your son simply because you don't know her well enough. Take the time to be open about getting to know her, particularly if you feel as if she is going to be involved in your ex husband's life, and essentially, your son's life for the long term. But if you are not comfortable about her taking care of your son, you shouldn't rush it.
2007-01-23 15:19:28 · answer #6 · answered by Becky 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
no you are not being unreasonable...this woman may be your ex's new wife and your childs stepmum BUT you do not know her from a bar of soap...your ex would be unreasonable if he didnt allow at least another 6months or so for you to feel comfortable with this woman in order to trust her enough to be put on the daycare pick up list
good luck with it!
2007-01-23 15:15:51 · answer #7 · answered by panda64 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Like you said, YOU do not know her. Don't put her on the list. You are not being unreasonable that is your baby and there are too many crazy people/predators in this world. When/If you get to know her and you feel comfortable then put her on the list but give it some time.
2007-01-23 15:17:43 · answer #8 · answered by Forever_Young 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
No, you are not being unreasonable about this. And I think you should tell the daycare workers that if she does try to pick up your child, or if your ex tries to add her to the pick up list, they are to contact you immediately.
2007-01-23 15:17:55 · answer #9 · answered by littlevivi 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You don't have to put her on the list of you are uncomfortable with it. You hardly know her, so you are not being unfair by refusing to add her. Tell your ex that you'd like to know her longer, or at least wait until they have been married longer to add this stranger to pick up your child. Maybe later on down the line...
2007-01-23 15:15:03 · answer #10 · answered by Proud to be 59 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋