How long is long enough to get over an affair?

Question

My hubby had an affair, and its only been 2 1/2 months since i found out. We are trying fix it, but i have my moments, say things when i cant bite my tongue, I'm sure you can imagine the shrewd remarks a woman can come up with in a situation like this. I still cry, I still get angry, etc. my husband has told me i need to let it go if we are going to work this out. I know deep down he's right, but he screwed fher for 5 months and i dont even get that much time to heal. He has told me that if i cant let it go, then he is leaving. I dont obsess about it 24/7, but it crosses my mind and things are said. Besides that, things are going quite well for us in spite of it all. But i think it takes more than 2 months to just let something like this go. Is he fair for demandng I just let it go and threatening to throw in the towel if I cant let it go? I think that when it comes up, it drives his guilt even deeper and he cant stand it. What do you all think? Thanks

Answer 1

Red_roses, everyone is different. How dare he tell you to get over it! You will let it go when you are ready, not when he tells you to.

Answer 2

think he is so wrong with wanting to leave because u are still hurt. takes time, he should not be so hard on u, after all it was his choice that caused this, takes a long time to regain trust, trust can only be regained if we are allowed to discuss our hurts, without being shut down by a husband who would just rather move past it all because it is making him unconfortable. doesn't happen quite that easy. he should be glad u gave him another chance and didn't end it as most would do. he needs to be admitting some stuff, and be taking some blame here. he sounds like such a spoiled brat, wanting to leave every time there is the least little problem.which may have been the cause of the affair in the first place. he needs to show u more patience, and stop the threats if he values u at all. he needs to grow up and know there is someone else in the world but him.

Answer 3

I am in the same situtation, and its been one year since i assumed he had an affair and 4 months since he admitted to the affair...Its not right for them to tell us that we need to get over it, its hard to trust someone thats caused this much pain in a marriage and yes we will always think about it maybe not every second of the day but most likely it will cross our mind...its going to take time to heal and i dont think its right for anyone whos had the affair to give the one theyre back with a time limit or make remarks about getting over the pain cause we just can't...maybe try some counseling to see if it will help, or if not then maybe instead of feeling this way all the time ...leave, so you can start over and maybe you will meet someone better that will give you their all and you will be happy again...i wish you the best...and yes i feel the same pain too.

Answer 4

First I'd like to say I'm sorry. I've been there. I love my husband with all my heart and he abandoned me at a very bad time. I did the same things you describe. Cry, get mad, go over the thoughts of it in my head almost like a reel/loop. You have to try to get ahold of your thoughts and divert them. I know it's hard. Trust me. Time will help ease your pain.

I think your husband is selfish. It's the most selfish act to cheat in the first place. Secondly demanding you drop it is not reasonable given how he broke your heart and shattered your security and trust. He needs to understand that it will take time. I did the same thing and still do every once in a while ...saying really sarcastic mean things. It stems from your pain. Maybe you two could separate for a bit to see what you both want and are willing to fight and sacrafice for.

I wish you the best. It's been over a year for me and it still hurts, but not quite as bad. I hope you find happiness and contentment. Email me if you need to talk. I really understand where you're coming from. Take care.

Answer 5

The guilt absolutely drives him nuts, but he has to understand your position of getting over it when you are ready. Until then.... he'll have to deal with it. If he leaves let him go he'll be back (and if he doesn't) screw it you don't need him. Either way you need to make the true choice to forgive him. Once that happens (when you truly forgive him) your healing will rapidly begin. My estranged wife is in Iraq, first it was Afghanistan when she told me she wanted a divorce after 21 years of marriage and 5 children. She never even told anyone she was going to Iraq. I found out when I went to court Aug 21 for child support the day after she left. It has been 2 years and I am just now getting over it. Good luck

Answer 6

I think his guilt would be eating away at him and then when you bring it up it would be like a stab in the heart.
If he is truly sorry though he needs to realise that he did this to your relationship he caused you to be hurt, angry and sad. If he cannot give you the time you need to heal and let you yell a bit then he musn't really be sorry.
You are only human and what you are feeeling is completely normal and of course you think about it who wouldn't think about the person you love being with someone else.
I'm sure if you had of cheated on him he wouldn't be so forgiving.
You can never cause someone to cheat if they are unhappy within the relationship with you they should be man or woman enough to leave before finding another partner.

Answer 7

I think your husband really doesn't understand the effects of an affair. Some women never fully recover from an extra marital affair. If you want to save your marriage, I advise that you both get into marriage counseling ASAP. Your husband needs to see that there are consequences for cheating and a simple "I'm sorry now get over it" just won't do it. He broke your trust and now he'll have to work overtime to restore that trust. You'll need time to heal and he needs to be more understanding.

Get into counseling now! Good luck!

Answer 8

3 years and still going strong. Almost as bad as the day the news broke.

Tell him to lighten the f u c k up, take responsibility for dicking another woman behind your back, and deal with the consequences or *you* have the legal grounds to financially ruin *him*. Geezus what an a s s h o l e. You should leave just based on his attitude after the fact. What a jerk.

Answer 9

This will take time for you .... Healing and getting past things takes time and maybe even counseling. I would say at least 6 months to a year to even start to get past the pain slowly and then that might not be long enough. You should not bring it up though and keep rubbing it in his face. Try to pray for him and bite your tongue and speak kindess and words of love to him even if you dont feel like it... You will see a big change in him if you do this. We are not held accountable to what happens to us we are held accountable to how we respond.

Answer 10

Time to heal and forgive can take a day or can take years. You will NEVER be ok with the thought of his betrayl. He has NO right telling you to get over it...he screwed around for 5 months..he knew right from wrong and he chose to betray his wife and his family..you did NOT have the choice of being hurt..him and his mistress made the choice for you.
You are the ones who should be setting demands..not him. It will take you awhile to build back trust in him..and he should accept that and work hard.
best of luck to you and your family

Answer 11

Your a good person, with a lot of will power, but nothing you do or say can ever change the fact that your husband betrayed you. He
thought nothing of you, while he fooled around, so that makes you have to ponder on his mistakes.My Psychiatrist gave me the best advice and I will let you in on it....He told me no matter how you examine or analyze the situation, IT IS OVER! I too tried to work it out ...... 2yrs later & I am now Divorced.