Why is my trust in him making me think I dont love him?

Question

I love spending time with my boyfriend ( I look forward to coming home to him after work) I like doing nice things for him, I am incredibly attracted to him. I trust him, I respect him and I care for him very much. This is a very healthy relationship where we almost seem like friends but also have sex.

All of my other relationships have been drama filled and emotionally abusing as well as jealousy because of trust issues.

So here is where my problem is arrising. I am not jealous of him and therefore feel as though I dont love him anymore. I trust him and I feel as though if he left of course I could go on. In the past I couldnt even imagine my life without those losers.

So all in all this is very different for me. I enjoy the drama free lifestyle and think that I love him.

Is it true that since I am not jealous of him I dont love him?

I want to spend my life with him but feel as though I cant. And why do I feel like I could go on (not as happy) without him in my life?

Answer 1

Congratulations! You're growing up!

Seriously... what you're describing are the hallmarks of a great, fulfilling and loving relationship between two mature adults. It's just new to you because, from the sounds of it, you've never had a relationship like this before.

Let's address your concerns one at a time.

1. You're not jealous of him -- not because you don't love him, but because you trust him. You trust him because he's not an abusive, immature jerk who's using you. But you've been brainwashed by your unhappy past into thinking that the drama is a necessary sign of love. It isn't; it's a sign of immaturity, it's just that it's sometimes coupled with love until we grow up enough that we can put away childish things and treat each other with respect, care, and mutual attraction.

2. You feel as though you could get on without him because you CAN. You're now mature enough that you could make it in life without this boyfriend -- you wouldn't be as happy, but you have turned a corner in your own life and you know you can provide for yourself, get the bills paid, keep your houseplants from dying (or not... I still have trouble with that :-) and get through the day.

And THAT is the BEST place to be for a relationship. It means you're not so needy that you're willing to put up with a life of emotional abuse and constant melodrama just to say you've got a boyfriend, and then convince yourself that the melodrama and abuse are the price of love.

The irony is that it's this feeling of NOT needing him, the feeling that you could go on without him, that makes this the best relationship you've ever had. Here's how I know...

From the time I started dating my first girlfriend in high school, I "knew" that she was the one, my future wife. We'd even talk about it -- where we'd live, what we'd name the kids, etc. And then that relationship would go bad and I'd start another. Not always in that order... but that was my own immaturity running my life. And then I'd re-invent my whole emotional world around the new girlfriend -- SHE was the one, we'd talk about where we'd live and how many kids and all like that.

And until I finally broke up with each of them, I couldn't imagine my life without these girls. I even cut myself over one of them.

Eventually, as I was nearing the end of college, I found myself in a relationship with a young woman I'd known for years. I trusted her, I respected her, I cared for her very much; we were good friends, and when the relationship got to a certain point, we also had sex. (Lots of sex. Lots of GREAT sex. All the sex either of us could ever imagine.)

But for the longest time, I didn't imagine myself marrying her. I was just "in the moment" with her. I trusted her, I loved her, I loved being around her, and I loved spending time with her.

That was some time in 1978. The same woman just got home from picking up our youngest son from school and will go get our youngest daughter after rehearsal ends; our oldest daughter is in college.

What made it happen for me? The fact that we really WERE so good together, that I didn't have to make anything up or invent fantasy games to imagine we were having a great relationship. We HAD a great relationship (still do, but I'm talking about the relationship we had when I made the decision to marry her). It was real, it was there, it was something we could count on and depend on -- the way we depend on each other.

And I suspect you'll understand what I mean when I say that the best predictor of a successful relationship isn't emotional intensity or love or passion -- it's how much you LIKE someone. Of course I love her, have loved her for a long time -- in fact, based on a memory of the way I felt at the time, I now know that I was in love with this woman several months before I understood it myself. But we have a great relationship, are building a fantastic life, and all the rest primarily because we really, genuinely LIKE each other. Because if you LIKE someone, you trust them. You want to do thoughtful little things for them. You respect them. You're willing to give up jealousy because you trust them. And, fundamentally, you give them some slack when you have a conflict (which, let's face it, everybody does now and again). Not because you have to, not because you're supposed to, but because that's what you do for the people you like.

So I can't say for certain whether this guy is The One for you or not. But you should begin taking notes now and crossing out everything you thought you knew about how relationships were supposed to be, because THIS relationship -- one that's based on attraction, trust, respect, caring, independence, competence, oh yes and sex -- is what a mature, adult relationship is all about.

And on that note, I repeat my congratulations. This is where it all starts. You're in a fantastic space -- you have your hands on the controls of your own life, you have the self-possession to know that you can lead this life for yourself, AND you've found somebody you really enjoy sharing it with. It's a wonderful world.

Answer 2

I am soo confused as to what you are really asking. WHY on earth would you be jealous of your boyfriend, or have you been in the past? Love is not a competitive sport. I believe that you are simply just used to all the drama and tears from your pasts relationships. So this relationship almost seems weird because you dont fight or you dont cry over anything(well from the sounds of it, not like you did in the past). I was dating someone who fought with everyone one of his girlfriends and they would fight back. Im sort of a quiet girl, and not a fighter. So when he would want to fight over something dumb with me I would just basically walk away .. It seemed as though he was always looking for a fight and had to have one atleast once a week. To him our relationship wasnt normal .. BECAUSE I WAS NORMAL!!! So be happy that you have found a great guy and take advantage of it, because you dont want to be stuck with another loser like you had, or one that I had .. GOODLUCK, and Keep thinking positive ...

Answer 3

I think you are "used" to the drama. So naturally your mind wants to move on because there is no drama in this relationship. Everything is peachy. You can't force yourself to love some one no matter how good they are to you and how perfect they may seem. You may also see him more as a friend with benefits than as a boyfriend. It's a very fine line between boyfriend and friend with benefits. Just ask yourself what would make you happier in this relationship.

Answer 4

if you are attracted to him, stay with him. if you leave him, you will regret it. i was with someone, but i didn't like them anymore. a year later and i want him back. i really regret it.life is too short to let go of people you love.