Mature men answer please...When u shut down...?

Question

in a longterm relationship how do you get yourself out of the funk? I am the g/f of a stressed out b/f. He has major finacial stress from his previous marriage that just caught up with him. IRS, my problem is that he is shutting me out and distancing himself from me. We have been going to couples therapy since Sept06. He never wants to talk about the problems there. From his last outburst in thereapy this past Saturday I feel he more worried about the opinon of the therapist than finding solutions to our relationship problems that arise. How do I draw him out? He blows up & "leaves me" when I try to draw him out with specific questions. He fixed one major problem (his family). He had to give up his "best friend" his exwife (b/c he kept naked pics of her! & he would help her but NOT me with car trouble etc) I told him it's either me or her. Can't make two women happy, chose which woman. He made me give up my friends, my friendshilp with my ex...first. He says he misses his ex. Blames me

for things I'm not even sure of. His feelings of anger, no control over his finances.??

They were divorced in 1999, plenty of time for the "dust to settle". I found a solution for his tax levy. I'll even pay the first $500! Let's see if he really wants my help or if he just wants to complain that I won't help him. ?? he's building walls up quicker than I can take it down. Lilke he doesn't trust me...I talk to much about his problems. But this is how you solve HARD problems that aren't in our own control cause be lack the college degree it takes to solve them!

They were divorced in 1999, plenty of time for the "dust to settle". I found a solution for his tax levy. I'll even pay the first $500! Let's see if he really wants my help or if he just wants to complain that I won't help him. ?? he's building walls up quicker than I can take it down. Like he doesn't trust me...I talk to much about his problems. But this is how you solve HARD problems that aren't in our own control cause be lack the college degree it takes to solve them!

Answer 1

Above all things do not let this man's problems drown you.
It is not your fault that he's in the situation that he's in and if he blames you then he's being unfair.
Men often times shut people out when they are stress and under emotional turmoil but he obviously still has feeling for and you shouldn't be emotional shortchanged becuase of that.

Answer 2

I have learned one thing after being married for 22 years now divorcing (not by choice by situation). Women tend to want to always talk to men about what it is that is bothering them. As men we generally would like woman to understand that we say we are ok. or fine, or nothing is bothering me.... leave it at that. If you push and prod at a man in these times we get the impression women feel we are incapable of handling our problems. This is a major rejection and (not intentional) insult to our manhood. I cannot speak for all men, but the ones I do know share my feelings that when we shut down it is because we have to take time to evaluate our situation(s) go through the process of what options are available and what possible downsides there may be. We do not generally want help until we realize there is no other option. I know my ex-wife felt as though I was saying "quit being a nag" or "why do you think I am incapable of doing anything", this seemingly lead to a big misunderstanding of resentment, of her feelings of not being needed or wanted, etc.. By no means waas this my intent, I just didn't know how to express that until it was too late. I love my wife to this day and she is very mean and nasty to me, I have accepted that we are through and have since moved on (F-her) but sometimes women need to back off certain situations. As for the latter part of your situation speak to him in plain english, if he does not see that you seem to have done everything to keep your relationship together, darling you do not need the hurt or frustration of this sort. I know that it is hard to walk away from the one you love but sometimes it is for the best (in this case sounds like you). I hate to see any relationship die, I still do not understand why it happens and have given up trying to figure it out. One thing I do know is that there is no medals of honor for being the good guy/girl. I wish you well.
God's peace be with you

Answer 3

Perhaps it isn't your beauty but the way you put yourself out there as an easy bed-buddy. Men want a challenge and if you are sitting on their laps before you even get to know them, they are probably thinking you do it all the time, (plus wondering what STD's you are trying to give them) No one but a dog wants to be with another dog. Going out to socialize is one thing. What you describe here makes it sound like you are only interested in a one-night stand.

Answer 4

Wow story of my life lol my bf always shuts down when hes mad too after 3 yrs its hard to leave but in your situation I cant see how you put up with most of those things just the pics alone of the ex he wouldve got cut off In all honesty why would you want to spend your life with a man that obviously still loves and cares for his ex its like your living in her shadow I mean not to put things in your head but me personally Id think crazy things like does he picture her or think of her when were intimate like you never know with a guy like that it seems like he is still hung up over her maybe you should consider finding a new guy

Answer 5

Sounds like he does not want to get you involved in the "other" side of his relationship. No matter what he still has connections with his ex.
Why did you get involved when you learned of his ex? You should have waited a few years until the dust settled with them.

Answer 6

Seriously, I'm not a man and I'm probably not that mature, but you really need to get rid of this guy and move on. He obviously has a lot of baggage and problems that have nothing to do with you, but he definitely cannot give you the type of love and respect you want. If you want to be happy leave him and move on.

Answer 7

I can see this is going downhill fast. He's blaming you for his own problems. I don't blame you for giving him a choice.....I would have done the same also. I can tell you this one thing.....in my opinion.....it's better to be single and lonely, then to be in a relationship or marriage and be miserable. Think about that. If he continues, then dump him, don't subject yourself to all of that BS. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 8

sweeite...he has issues. and if he is not willing to talk about it then don't force him. if he wants to be left alone. then leave him alone. he misses his ex then he needs to go be with her...not staying there making you misreable. girl...you need to get out. if you don't have a job..get one. you need to have your own job with your own money and in your own place. get back your frineds because YOU need them more than ever. if any man wants to drive a wedge between a girl and her frineds then he is not worth wasting time on. stop waiting for him and move on with your life. you just sitting there trying to help him is only making matters worse for him. so leave him alone and live your life. don't sit there miseable. get out..

Answer 9

he is in a lot of problems and u being there for him is good,but if its not working move on to someone who appreciates your help and love

Answer 10

see a regression hypnotist.