My fiance was recently laid off work and has had little to no change in his daily activities. He's home during the day taking friends to work and playing video games in his spare time. What makes matters worse is that I'm 7 months pregnant with out first child. Work is becoming increasingly difficult and not to mention stressful. He gets angry with me because I try to help with Job searching- he says I'm telling him what to do and that makes him feel like a child. But if I don't, he does nothing. He was supposed to start a new job this month but it doesnt look likely to happen for a while. He's waiting to "get in" to the union. So for now, I'm stuck paying bills while he sits at home waiting for a phone call I feel will never come. What do I do? His mother says, cancel the cable-ok but we have DTV so they'll charge me an arm & a leg to reconnect it. I'm so lost and confused....
2007-01-23 08:33:26 · 15 answers · asked by Jessica S 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
Remember, there is a difference between being forgiving and sympathetic, and "enabling" someones poor behavior.
Now, I have been there many times. I understand that hunting for a job can be time consuming, difficult and scary, but there is no good excuse for ignoring the problem or pretending like it doesn't exist. Looking for work is a full time job just like any other, and the more seriously you take it, the easier it is likely to be. Everybody gets turned down for a job, it is not anything personal. Like playing football, the important thing is to get back up and keep going.
Canceling the satellite sounds like an excellent idea; reconnection charges are soon going to be the least of your worries! Canceling Internet service might also be an option, if you have it, and if you feel it's an issue. If he protests, tell him you are the one paying for it, so it's your decision. If he wants to pay the fees and bill in the future, he is welcome to. If you feel it is the right thing to do, you have every reason to be assertive about it, and you do not need to defend your actions.
Another thing that might be possible is coming to an agreement about a set time during the day when he would either be actively looking for another job, or else be out of the house searching around. Or maybe you could make a goal with him of having a set number of interviews per week. It may be hard having him out of earshot when you know he's having problems, but it's better than him sitting on his hands all day. In the end, any job that pays money, however menial, is better than doing nothing.
Also remember that you cannot truly be responsible for his behavior. In the end, only he can find the courage and maturity to face up to his personal difficulties. Nagging him or dumping your insecurities on to him, or becoming argumentative is never going to help either of you. The best thing you can do is (very) gently remind him of his obligations, let him know that you still love him no matter what, and that you are there to help him in any way you can. But he has no right to ignore your needs, or those of his child. You are not his mother. If he still totally refuses to compromise, or hold to his promises, the only thing you can do is go somwhere else untill he wants to behave like a husband and father.
most importantly, have faith. Things will work out well, and I don't doubt that you will be able to make the most of your circumstances.
Good luck!
~Donkey Hotei
Additional:
I would advise against giving ultimatems except as a last resort.. This implies that it is already too late and he doesn't have any more choice. If it IS already too late, tell him that he has one week to get the lowest paying job he can find; after that you are leaving, and he is welcome to come back when he has done so.
2007-01-23 09:30:43 · answer #1 · answered by WOMBAT, Manliness Expert 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to get his act together. Tell him you're concerned about the financial situation since you have a baby on the way. And it's probably true about the union. Some places won't hire you unless you're a union member. But he needs to be actively doing something to help out, not just playing video games. In the mean time, you can SUGGEST, not demand, that he look at a temp agency or get a part-time job of some sort until he gets into the union and can go into full time work again. It's a delicate situation, but you need to talk to him and let him know how much this bothers you and how concerned you are.
2007-01-23 16:42:15 · answer #2 · answered by ~*Bubbles*~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My son is 4 months old and his father has worked for about 3 months the entire time since I was expecting. I went through this same thing, and for me they only got worse. After baby came I was not only looking after a newborn but caring for an adult male who couldn't be bothered to pick up his own socks from the floor. When I would look at job ads he said I was pressuring him. Luckily I live in Canada and I get a year off from work at a reduced wage which I can afford to live on without his help. I love my sons dad, but my life is so much simpler without him. You need to take a hard look at things and decide what you can and cannot live without. Including your fiance. If you think that things are tough now your problems will only be magnified once there is a baby in your home.
2007-01-23 16:43:11 · answer #3 · answered by saskprincess 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say try to suspend the DTv service to help motivate him and hide his gamer unit or better yet stick it in your car when you go to work and tell him if he wants it back he has got to step up you didnt make this baby by yourself and your not going to raise it by yourself and if he cant find even temporary work to help pay for the things the baby will need that you will go elsewhere until he decides to step up give him an ultimatium and let him know you are serious. Also ask him what happens when I am on maternity leave and bills need to be paid but yet there isnt enough money since you were the only one working give him worst case scenarios about money and baby and bills, if he doesnt get motivated move out temporarily and tell him if he wants you and the baby back then he will get a job and if need be go live with his mom because then if he whines and cries she will be by your side to defend you since its her grandbaby and you can always put the bills in his name so that it would be his fault that they werent paid and he will suffer the consequences of sitting on his butt
2007-01-23 16:48:00 · answer #4 · answered by sexy b 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Good luck, Try sitting down with him and telling him that you cant wait to get a job he needs one now, how about a temporary job until the one he wants comes. I do not have TV for that purpose I love my husband dearly and he works 5 days a week but If we had cable he woudnt do anything else on his days off and im sorry but some of the stuff I just cant do myself --- work on the car etc. Tell him your 7 months pregant its his time to step up. Tell him how hard its getting foryou at work too -- you should be the one at home with your feet up not him.
2007-01-23 16:38:49 · answer #5 · answered by Katy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you go easy on him now you are only setting a pattern for your future marriage. Tell him that he needs to step up and be the man of the house and quit expecting you to take care of everything. You are 7 months pregnant and the stress he is putting on you can cause you to deliver early or lose the baby. He needs to grow up and take responsibility or get out. A temporary minimum wage job is better than nothing when he helped get you in the condition you are in.
2007-01-23 16:55:29 · answer #6 · answered by Summer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN !!!!!! what are you gonna do when you have the baby and only have 60% of your income coming in or none??? is he still gonna sit there and play video games and not buy food or diapers or pay bills. tell him your leaving if he doesn't straighten up right now!!! he can get a job till he gets in the union, getting into the union can take years, my fiance is trying too but he works every single day until he does. good luck
2007-01-23 16:42:13 · answer #7 · answered by Mz. Tanning Bed Junkie! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do nothing... pay your portion of the bills and leave his. Go about your business and every day to day stuff. Don't hold it over his head he got laid off, don't get down on him about playing video games... he'll come around. Some men just go through this sort of thing after a lay off... they look so calm and collected when you see them but they scramble just as much as we do when your not looking. Once he sees his bills start to pile up he'll realize... ****... i gotta do something eh? Not to mention your 7 months pregnant, you'll be on maternity leave soon. :)
Best of luck to ya hun
2007-01-23 16:42:13 · answer #8 · answered by Gig 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him nothing if you have a relative or friends that will let you stay with them a while just politely pack your bags put them in the car and leave tell him while going out the door when he is ready to step up and be a husband and father then and only then will you come home I know it sounds hard now but you or your baby doesn't need a deadbeat to wait on
2007-01-23 16:52:57 · answer #9 · answered by what gives 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him how u feel and that your work is cutting your hours tell him how much pain your in dont be close with him put some space there make him understand that the baby needs his support financially to ask him to get a job long enough for him 2 get accepted into the union or tell him he or u go 2 go
2007-01-23 16:46:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋