ok i love my husband with all my heart the only problem i have with him is his drinking. if he wasnt a drunk he would be a perfect husband. he has a good heart that is why i have tried to make this work for so long because i see the good in him. i have tried alanon and i have tried to get him to go to aa but refuses in nov i gave him a choice to stop drinking or i was leaving with our kids(14-17) he did ok for a couple of weeks and now is back at it.(i know he cant do this alone he has to have help) he doesnt want it..so i feel he basicly loves himself and his beer more then me and his kids.. so here is what i need help with. it takes every penny the two of us together make so if i divorce him what do i do first? talk to a lawyer, talk to my husband, find a place to live, ect.. how can do we split our stuff up? i am not out to take it all. in fact i dont want our house i cant afford it plus it has to much memories for me..
(more in details ) sry its long
2007-01-23 07:24:43 · 13 answers · asked by crazyme 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i dont know what to do first or after i have been married for 20 yrs and i am only 38 so that tells u how long its been since i was on my own.. i have no family to lean on and no real friends they have all passed away. so i am pretty much on my own here.. he has family to lean on. i know he will have to pay support but it wont be enough.. i am just lost i dont know what move to make first. plus i am broken hearted. i gave him my heart and he has continued to step on it. whats the point in love anyway if this is how it is? someone please help me by telling me how this divorce thing works. and where do i go to first? please be serious and please dont tell me to go to alanon or aa ect and do not tell me i need to get my kids out because i know alll of this aready.. i am just lost and confused.
2007-01-23 07:28:55 · update #1
everyone keeps telling me to get out that i need to leave for my kids???? thats what i am asking to do here i just dont know how? and i know he has to want to stop what i meant by he couldnt do it without help is that i knew the 2 wks he did better it wouldnt last because he refused to go to aa... and someone asked y i went back? i have never left yet...
2007-01-23 07:43:13 · update #2
If your mind has been made up and u want out then you need to find a place to live. Once you do that, take what you need from the home. Your kids things should go without any questions. Divide up the things in the house between you and your husband, Keep it fair if you have 4 TVs take 2 with you. The decisions about personal property settlements generally come from each party so you need to be able to compromise. Get an attry to file for the divorce an handle the home and child support. You are entitled to half of the equity in the home so that needs to be done by an attry. Best of luck to you!!!! Its not easy leaving a marriage of 20 yrs with kids. Your not only leaving ur husband but a Friend at this point. I hope you have thought this all through.
2007-01-23 07:57:25 · answer #1 · answered by Kim 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you. I know what this feels like and it IS scary, and it IS hard. BUT, you can do it. Talk to your husband first. You already gave him a chance to change. He didn't. See if you can work out settlements with him so the papers will be signed easily. Go see an attorney for a free consultation. It's a lot easier on you and cheaper if you two can just decide on what to agree on, and file it yourselves. Most courts now have divorce packets online that you can print. Some states have ecourts. You just fill in all the papers, then print, take them to the court house, pay the filing fee and off you go. Start looking for a place to live now, and if you don't have one, a job. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.
2007-01-23 15:43:19 · answer #2 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi!!!!
Call your county courthouse and inquire where you can apply for free legal aide........every state has it. Here in Illinois its called the Prairie State Legal Aide. I divorced my deadbeat husband and had an awesome Dupage County Lawyer and it didn't cost me ONE PENNY. And I have a full time job.
That is your first step. In the meantime, you will need to find cheaper housing. Get used to the fact you may have to live in smaller living quarters for awhile, but that is Ok, you can make a cozy, peaceful home that is not filled with tension and chemical addiction. And that is a nice thing- I think you will agree.
I wish you best of luck. Be strong. Do not be afraid. You have every quality a person needs to posess to get through this. You have already proven that by dealing with your husbands addiction.
Best wishes
2007-01-23 15:48:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Married for 13 years here dated her for 2 before that. Forgave her for the first affair I found out about, but the second one was too much of a slap in the face to deal with. So I filled for divorce in April of 2006. It's not easy. It's not something I regret doing. It's something you must do if all else fails.
What I would have done differently? I would have been the one to move out, instead of making her leave. So my advice to you is, start looking for a place to rent. Based on the income you have alone. You're lucky that the children you have are old enough to stay home after school alone and you don't have to pay for child care. Get a budget together. What will it take for you and your two children to live? Document everything. Keep a diary, note every abuse incodent, both mental and physical.
Go to the court yourself and tell the court (Judge) (Social Services) whoever you can talk to, tell them you don't want to involve a bunch of attournys, but you need out of this abusive situation and you need to make sure your children are taken care of.
Sure, you might end up having to get an attourny if he gets one, but after you get all your ducks in a row, talk with him and tell him you are ready to file for immediate and ultimate divorce. He had his chances.
I was $7,000 in legal fees before I decided to give her everything, just to get her out of my house. We never made it to court yet. Attourneys can be expensive. Try to do it without them.
2007-01-23 15:47:25 · answer #4 · answered by 35 goodlookinmalefrombalt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would do my research first. Call an attorney, see what your options are. Start scouting for places to live. Inconspicuously pack up your most treasured posessions. Once you know what the best course of action is for you legally speaking, you can make more definite plans about leaving. I think, seeking legal advice should be #1 on the list.
2007-01-23 15:46:52 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say that he can't do this alone, yet you fail to realize that he IS the only one that can do this. It is only HIS choice to stop drinking, and he's making his choice by refusing to go ta AA. The ball is in YOUR court now an you have to be strong for whatever choice you make...but please do realize that both of your children are watching and learning from him as well as you...keep it as clean as possible, no mud-slinging or bad talking. The kids are old enough to understand what you're doing and why...
2007-01-23 15:31:38 · answer #6 · answered by Proud Mommy of 6 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1-at this time he really doesn't like himself very much (he needs to want the help to stop -or it's useless)
2- if he didn't drink you would have extra cash
3-why did you go back?
4-you need to decide if you are ready to leave( for good)
5-talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling --everything else will fall in place
6- GOOD LUCK
2007-01-23 15:36:32 · answer #7 · answered by gabby 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry. First off tell him what you are going to do, it might make him realize and be firm. tell him the only way you would stay with him , is he has to go to AA meetings regularly. If he does not agree, talk to a lawyer first, He will advice you.. Good luck , I hope he will agree to AA..
2007-01-23 15:31:14 · answer #8 · answered by lynda 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have a friend you and your kids can go stay with for awhile till you can find an apt?Get a lawyer,go to your welfare dept# get help.Not saying stay on it .you did'nt say if your employed?If your not find a job.Its not going to be easy but you can do it.Not to say being happier in the long run.Your husband don't think you ever meant it.Thats why he is back at it!so, you have to go ahead and start.if you went to alalnon then you can find a good co-dependent group too they help wonders.I was there 5 yrs ago,I stayed for my kids worst thing I ever did.
2007-01-23 15:35:01 · answer #9 · answered by Smiles 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Today is the 1st day 4 the rest of your wonderful life. Do it ;get rid of him !.Trust me he will bring u down because he does not know how to love & he doesn't love you. Be excited the burdon is gone!!!!!The house throw the memories out they r all negative., Another burdan gone!!!!!! Meet new people & enjoy life without drunks!Get yourself a church family! learn how to really love & don't look back! good luck!
2007-01-23 15:40:35 · answer #10 · answered by lilly l 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋