Help with advice on an abusive marriage?

Question

My sister is married to a verbally abusive husband. He always tries to hurt her by talking bad about our side of the family all the time. They get into arguments alot in front of the kids and she is always in tears when she calls me. The husband is shallow, and puts on a fake persona of being cool and sincere whenever he is around us or talks on the phone with us. My sister really wants to divorce him and get out of this abusive relationship, but they have 2 kids (one is 3 and the other 2) and she is afraid she will lose them to him since he is the only one working because she had quit her old job before the first one was born so she could stay home and be a fulltime mom. I think it makes him feels he is in control of everything and could do whatever or say whatever he wants since he is in control of the income. I feel really bad and helpless for her because she realizes she has to live with him and deal with his evils at least until the kids are 18. I think she feels trapped...

..and also helpless she is in a no-win situation. I feel she is depressed too. Is there any way out of this relationship without the possiblity of losing the kids to him? Any advice is helpful and really appreciated =)

Thanks for all the advices so far. He is obviously abusive to her because of the way he's making her feel about her situation with his words. He tries to get her riled up intentionally. It's too bad his real side is showing up, after they got married and had the kids. Had she known he would be like this she wouldn't have gotten into it. I just want to try to help and make the best of the situation. I wasn't aware of how likely a divorce court would give custody of the kids to which side if there is only one income. I just hope things turn out okay and my sister will be alright. It's just a sad situation and worsened because alot of it happens in front of the kids.

If she packs her bags and leaves him to come home, would they consider that kidnapping? I'm just afraid the father will call the police and tell them she took the kids and they will get her for kidnapping, which might make it even less likely she would be granted custody of the kids?

flagger, though it may hold less water with the law, what he is doing is still considered abusive, just not physical but verbal. I'm not too sure how the law sees both levels of abuse. But it is still abuse nonetheless. She is not trying to play any sympathy or doing anything to gain sympathy, it is what is facts and what is not right, so it's not fair to state that point. And yes, shall my sister decide she need financial help with her lawyer that is not a problem with me and our family, in fact, it's the last thing that would be on our mind when it comes to helping her out with her situation.

Answer 1

Do you know he is trying to hurt her?

I'm not saying that what he is doing doesn't hurt. What I'm saying is that you ascribe a motive that may or may not be there.

I don't know if this is abuse or not. It's bad behavior, certainly.

What has she done to share with him how his behavior affects her? What professional help has she sought?

Has a profession evaluated his behavior first hand to determine it's actually abusive, or is this just hers and your opinion?

I do believe she needs help, and so does he.

Leaving doesn't really fix anything, and often can make things worse.

I believe the best thing to do is to have a professional make an evaluation. If he cannot or will not address his behavior as recommended by a marriage counsellor, then she should consider seperation to protect herself and the children.

However, I believe this to be the last resort, not a first step.

Answer 2

Be very careful throwing the term abuse around.
Yelling and controlling behavior may be despicable but it is NOT abuse. Black eyes, broken bones, withholding food water or medical treatment , THAT is abuse. If he has never touched her and she calls the police they will do little if anything.
SO PLEASE, get the terms correct.
Her husband yells at her and exhibits controlling behavior. Do not get me wrong that is not fun but not abuse.
She does not need to put up with that behavior. Realize that controlling behavior happens because she lets it. She does not need to stay in that house. There are not many police who would charge a mother for kidnapping for taking her children away her to get out of a less than desirable household. She does NOT have to stay there. It is time for her to seek work and day care.
That way she can get some money and afford a lawyer.
It may well be time to get that lawyer start the divorce and go get child support set up on top of her getting work. If her life at home is that bad she will do it. If not she will continue to play on your sympathy but not change.
If you want to help, give her the money to lawyer up.

Answer 3

Well, she can take the kids and leave, go to a relative's or friend's house. Then, she needs to have him served with divorce papers the same day. Whoever the children are with at the time of the separation is who they stay with until a custody order is issued by a judge. In the meantime, while she is waiting for the court date, she needs to get a job and find a place for her and the kids to live, this will show the judge that she is capable of raising them properly. The worst case would be that they give joint custody. I highly doubt they would take the kids away from their mother.

Answer 4

First you have to come to the conclusion that it both is, or is not a verbally abusive relationship. I'm assuming on account that you feel it usually is, the it in most cases is. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as bodily and emotional abuse and wishes to be treated the equal means. Your husband first has to get to the point that he'll admit that he has a difficulty before it may be constant. Your next step would be for both of you to head to counseling and to get to the bottom of why he is abusive. For now you have to do something you can to shield your self and your daughter. Realize that the obstacle is him and speak along with your counselor about what you are able to do. If he refuses to get aid and make this predicament better, then you can also must transfer on to a trial separation, until he sees that the way in which he is treating you just isn't o.Ok. Abuse is a cycle that has to be damaged. It isn't convenient and can take a lot of work on both components. I stayed in an abusive relationship with my first husband for 15 years except I sooner or later gave up on any change. Some folks will simply never trade no matter what they lose. Nonetheless to nowadays (13 years later) he blames me for taking his household away. I hope you've got higher outcome. Good luck!

Answer 5

You need to help her get out and away from this marriage and abuse now because verbal and emotional abuse can very well turn physical someday. She will not lose the kids over this one if you and others stand by her and help her through this. She also will need a good attorney as well. She will however have to get a job so she can support herself and the kids once she is away from him. I wish her the best... Tell her not to feel trapped... Have her call or write to doctor Phil... Tell her to check out http://www.drphil.com and also http://www.marriagetoday.org... I am here if she needs someone to talk with as well... I will be praying for all of you in this situation. My first husband and marriage was very bad and he was very emotionally and mentally abusive and needless to say our marriage ended in disaster and very sadly... I know and understand what she is feeling and why and I am wondering if i had left soon or divorced if he would still be around today and not took his life the way he did. The mistake i made was staying with him for the kids and listening to my family to stay with him even though i kept trying to leave they would beg me to go back to him and stupid me i did. I now regret it very much and if i had it to do all over again i would have handled it smarter and differently... But i cannot change what has happned i can only live my life better for what i have learned and try to help others. Here comes lots of hugs for her!

Answer 6

She don't have to put with him, no he thinks he is in control of the income, her family seems they will help her out. Pack her bags come home until finds a real good divorce atty. and file for divorce and spousal & child support to start immediately. She needs support now so her atty. files immediately for support until the divorce and the judge will then rule. You don't have to live in that kind of relationship, the law is on your side. make him give support and furnish a automobile for her to tke the children places like the Doctor, etc. If bad comes to worse if her family will keep the children ,let her get a job there is noway the judge will give him the children. A Mother only losing her children if she proven to be a unfit Mother. Her atty will file for him to pay her atty, fees and courts cost plus the support for her and her children. Get rid of that scum bag because before he starts beating her up real bad a maybe even the children, you ever know.

Answer 7

Egads! If what you say is true and accurate then tell your sister to leave this man and rally up the family around to help her leave him.

1. All abuse begins verbally and ends up being physical. This is true, last year my two best-friends were in these relationships that began with control, verbal abuse and then finally ended in physical abuse.

2. Children are severely affected emotionally/mentally when they grow up in a home where they view/experience abuse. A lot of parents think they can hide their marriage problems from their children if they don't argue or do bad things in front of them. That's a crock, ask any person who grew up in a home with miserable parents.

3. Children who grow up in a abusive home often end up continuing the vicious cycle when they grow up.

4. Tell your sister to seek counseling, there are plenty of services out there.

5. Tell her to seek a lawyer to find out what her options are and whatever she does, don't let the husband find out She may not necessarily lose her children to him just because he works and she doesn't.

Good luck

Answer 8

Your sister needs to pack up her two babies and move in with a friend or relative This is what friends and family do for one another. Then she needs to apply for welfare and also seek employment. If the court can see that the children are in a secure and stable environment, they will rule in favor of the mother. There are mothers on welfare pulling their lives back together, and they have custody of the children. To wait until the children are 18 is insanity. She and her children do not have to suffer the abuse of this control freak. Help her pack her bags.

Answer 9

She is depressed because she is in a horrible marriage.
No judge is going to take a child away from it's mother over not having a job. Can you let her live with you until she gets on her feet again?
She can divorce him and sue him for child support and alimony! Then she can get a job and eventually a place of her own.
She is probably scared of this because he is threatening her with taking the children! It is just another form of control.
She needs to get a divorce lawyer.

Answer 10

tell her to run and by the time they file for divorce she should have a job -- the babies are too young they should go to the mother