I love my boyfriend but we have a big conflict over his family. He's young and lives by himself, and his (married) sister often has him over for dinner, since we all know he'd probably have cereal or ramen if she didn't. All of his social events revolve around his sisters, their husbands/boyfriends, and their children. He wants and almost expects me to enjoy spending time with them as much as he does, but I just don't. I'm in the relationship for him - not for his family.
If we were to have children together someday, I know he would want to live near his family and to spend lots of time with them, letting our kids play with their cousins. The trouble, though, is that I don't really think that they would make very good role models, and would prefer to live a few hours away, where I work. I have a happy relationship with my family and see them only a few times a year, mostly for holidays.
Is this a deal-breaker in our relationship? Are we too different? Can I expect him to conform?
2007-01-23 07:05:18 · 7 answers · asked by Mysterious Gryphon 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I second Shayna's response, in most cases you marry the person you marry the family.
There are two sides to every story, but it looks like you've already been the judge and jury on this already. I don't know why you don't think his family aren't very good role models and you don't state any solid reasoning for your feelings other than the fact that you grew up with a different family dynamic than he did. If there are serious reasons why you wouldn't want any future children around them, this will be a serious bone of contention and cause problems.
He sounds like he's extremely close knit with his family and that they take care of him. Whatever the case is they are HIS family and if you two marry and have children they will be your family and your children's family.
You can't expect him to conform and he can't expect you to either. It sounds like you both are coming from two extremes with different family morals and values. Two different people can marry, but you both have to be understanding & respectful of the other person's point of view and be willing to compromise and meet each other halfway.
2007-01-23 07:20:39 · answer #1 · answered by hw 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Through open communication I think that you can find a common ground. If that doesn't work then instead of you wanting for him to make plans with his family, why don't you beat him to the punchline. Invite him to an outing with only yourself or friends. Show him through actions and not words that there is another world out there a part from his sister's family. You can even talk to his sister about this, talk about what she does that you and he appreciate, but then ask for help in developing your relationship with him. This has to be done delicately so she sees that she is helping you, not shunning your brother, or that you are not trying to split a family a part. I am sure she does not see a problem with him hanging around them all the time, but he needs to break the apron strings. Another thought is that you can make a mini vacation for you and him to go and spend some time with your family. Let him see the individuality in a family.
2007-01-23 07:30:44 · answer #2 · answered by w2kaad 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like my husband - he is very family oriented. This past year his mom passed away and the sister he was closest to decided to alienate the family. While I feel bad for my hubby, it is so nice not having to be over at this woman's house once a week every week. Hang in there! Should you marry this guy, you will also marry his entire family and have to deal with them. Right now, we've got nothing going on because the entire family is at odds - but I understand your thoughts and feelings exactly about wanting to be with him, but not wanting the others always involved. It's tough...sometimes you have to do things and go places you truly don't want to...but if you love him, it'll work out.
2007-01-23 07:30:09 · answer #3 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've said this so many times for so many different situations but it's always the best and most logical solution to any problem...communication.
I can understand your feelings that you don't always want to be around his family all the time, but instead of thinking if the relationship won't work or if you're too different...try discussing it with your boyfriend. Explain your honest opinion and i'm sure he will understand your point-of-view. Talk things through and work it out.
2007-01-23 07:14:52 · answer #4 · answered by Sonny E 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my experience, this can be a real deal-breaker for you. You need to attempt to get him to do some activities away from his immediate family and, if possible, with other, unrelated friends. This will enable you to better assess if he has any interest or motivation to establish the distance you need. Many people who are raised almost literally "in the bosom" of their families never learn how to break away successfully, despite deep-seated feellngs of resentment, in most cases. If you are already feeling closed in by his obsessive family relationship, I do not forsee success.
2007-01-23 07:18:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I are both only children, I would LOVE to have sisters and brother to share my life with. I feel that our children are missing out because they don't have cousins to grow up with.
I think you should learn to love them and accept them as part of your family. When you get married, you don't always have to be with them, but you should sometimes. I think it's great that your man loves him family . . . . it could be A LOT worse.
2007-01-23 07:14:58 · answer #6 · answered by lady_blu_iz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Truth is you do not just marry the person....you also marry the family.
2007-01-23 07:09:14 · answer #7 · answered by Shayna 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋