I'm 27 years old. I have been in a wonderful relationship for 5 years & my boyfriend and I have been good friends since we were 12. We have two children ages 3 & 2. We have a nice home, financial security, an education, etc. But my question is this ... Why is it so important that we get married? We are very happy with how our relationship is. Why are we experiencing so much pressure from our families to get married? A piece of paper isn't going to change our relationship. My sister was married & a year later it didn't work, so now there is a nasty "costly" divorce on her hands. Why bother? This is a modern world, & we are a progressive open-minded family. Many kids are raised by single parents because of divorce, or whatever ... I don't believe those individuals are constantly scrutinized like we are. We're good parents & we're committed to one another. Our kids our insured, they have a college fund, we have a will ... why are we dealing with so much pressure?
2007-01-23 06:31:24 · 11 answers · asked by Kelli McCoy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I just posted this question, & I want to say that I think ALL OF THE ANSWERS I've received so far are wonderful.
2007-01-23 07:29:04 · update #1
Marriage is considered the normal, morally correct thing to do when you love someone and have children together. Not saying it is right or wrong, just that it is the norm.
I personally agree with you that a piece of paper will not change your relationship... but using that logic... why not just get married?
If you don't believe in the institution of marriage, then don't do it and share your reasons why with your families so they can drop it. Ultimately it is your life, your family, your decision.
2007-01-23 06:50:11 · answer #1 · answered by dai_nite 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because, like it or not, you live in a society - and the society usually doesn't do well with ambiguity. Marriage is still the only way to broadcast your social position loud and clear. It is a symbolic way to let the community know: "we're a couple". If it was "just a piece of paper" to you - then why not go ahead and get married, if the pressure bothers you so much? Obviously, for you this "piece of paper" has certain connotations - well, it is the same for everyone else. Social symbolism and connotations are just as important as the purely practical ones. Taken out of social context, money is just paper with a pretty design on it - but no one would argue that in any society, money is a powerful force. "Boyfriend" is an ambiguous term - is it a guy you met a month ago? A year ago? Someone you live with? Or see on a casual basis? "Spouse" has much more definitive connotations. Not to say that there aren't bad, abusive, or absent spouses; but, taken at face value, this term narrows the nature of a relationship down quite a bit. Society likes certainty; this is just what people are more confortable with. If you choose to be "different", and live by your own social norms, you just have to be thick-skinned, and not allow yourself to be bothered by what other people think about your situation. Because no matter how long you guys are together, there will always be someone asking - "so, why aren't you married yet?" There's a price to pay for being "different", no matter what the differences are.
2007-01-23 07:02:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was married for 18 years and it didn't stop him from cheating over and over again and hiding money away for himself.
I'm now in a relationship of nine months that makes me feel more "married" than I ever did before.
I say it's only a piece of paper and commitment is in your hearts. The law cannot legislate that. I would say that if you feel comfortable and secure, why change? As long as you and your children are stable financially and secure, that's the only thing that really matters.
I am going to choose not to marry this man because I don't want anything to change. I want him to be free to leave at any point without any strings attached (my children are grown and gone). There's just something special about knowing that you must put that effort into your relationship to keep each other around that helps you not to take advantage of each other or take each other for granted. It's a very peaceful feeling to know that you are both there because you WANT to be - not because some piece of paper says you have no choice.
2007-01-23 07:05:24 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot really understand until you are married for a couple of years.
I think you already have your mind made up. Your statement:
"This is a modern world, & we are a progressive open-minded family. "
says a lot. Some things never outlive their usefulness.
A family without marriage is like a house held together with scotch tape. Yeah, ok it'll hold but it can come apart at a moment's notice. And everyone inside knows it in the back of their mind, and if the wind blows hard everyone will run away.
Kids know this too. It means a lot to them that their parents are married. Anyone who tells you that kids raised by single parents are as happy and well adjusted as kids raised by married parents needs to have their head examined. Sure there are exceptions both ways, but kids need a solid, committed, permanent family unit.
The people putting pressure on you are people who know better. You just have to trust us.
EDIT: virgo yes times have changed, and for the worse. A couple of decades of breakapart families have taken their toll and it is getting worse all the time. People see it.
Marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. I wish you could see it.
2007-01-23 06:42:31 · answer #4 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Because there is a difference. Yes you love each other and a piece of paper won't make a difference. However declaring an oath and commitment to each other in front of your parents and family members as well as friends to witness your oath says more about your love for each other than just living together and saying "I Love You". Your SHOWING that you love that person so much you are willing to go through any thing with them, and work it out. And that they are not just your Husband or spouse but something special that you you want to be apart of for the rest of your life. Not a ball and chain or prison.
Your relationship isn't broke I agree, but it's not complete either.
2007-01-23 07:28:06 · answer #5 · answered by Ydua R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That piece of paper a long time ago, mean a lot But these days it as you say just a piece of paper because people don't live what a marriage ceremony means, the vows are not kept like they were in old days. The preacher that is marrying more than likely is breaking most of them himself, so why should he ask to commit to all this when he is not doing so himself. I've seen so many marriage not work and really the bible says you are married one you take those vows with until death do us part. If that spouse doesn't die and you have sex or marry someone you committing adultery. Your breaking one of the ten commandments. "Thou Shalt Commit Adultery.".
2007-01-23 06:57:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in a very similar situation with my bf and my son. We don't feel the need to be married despite all the pressure from our families.
I think since it was expected of our parents to marry when they were living together, with kids, they try to force the same thing on us. I don't want to live by their old-fashioned rules. As long as you understand the need to stay together for your children, you're fine. Your relationship sounds great to me. If it's not broken, don't fix it.
When your kids ask why you're not married, just tell them that mommy and daddy love each other just as much as mommies and daddies who are married .. and that people only marry for religious reasons or because they're insecure and need to trap their spouse by means of a legal contract. haha No seriously, there will be lots of kids who's parents aren't married. It's not like it was in the old days. Our families will just have to accept that.
They need to take a look at how well your family is doing and how much you and your bf love each other. That's real love that all the marriage contracts in the world can't fake.
2007-01-23 06:43:25 · answer #7 · answered by •√¡rgő• 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A marriage license is more than a piece of paper. It is a civil contract. Though your sister has a costly divorce, she can claim assets accrued during that marriage. If you stay unmarried, property is not considered "in common" (you both own it), unless it is legally stated that way, like a deed. Also, children will encounter difficulty if they try to act as agents on your behalf. Surely there are things you would like to protect or bequeath to your children.
2007-01-23 06:49:19 · answer #8 · answered by zax_fl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only good reasons are:
Lower car insurance
Rights reserved only for spouses such as certain visitation (hospitals)
But you're right, marriage otherwise is just a piece of paper. What's important is how you feel about and treat each other.
2007-01-23 06:42:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Seems to me you have your bases covered.I was worried you did'nt have a will cause if you own property together and theres no will you get squat.and have no legal say his family can take the house your cars, etc...make sure you do have everything up to date just in case.Good Job! and if it works don't try and fix it~ and tell others to butt out~
2007-01-23 07:25:08 · answer #10 · answered by Smiles 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋