Can I survive a sexless marriage?

Question

I have been married for 6+ years and have had sex with my husband less than 30 times. It has been more than 2 years since our last encounter and was over a year before that. I am feeling neglected and frustrated. I have tried discussing this with him, it is a difficult subject for him, but what he has told me is he just does not want to have sex with me. He has little or no idea (or desire) how to be intimate (this has plagued him in past relationships) and prefers to f*** vs. make love. So, I am questioning all kinds of things at this point. I don't believe I want to have sex with him any longer. I simply have no desire myself as it is not emotionally fufilling at all. I have been occupying my thoughts with fantasies with other men... they are at this point all that keeps me sane. I desperately want to be desired... to feel beautiful. I mean, should I waste the prime of my life being forced to please myself? Is this normal? Should I stay... or will I go crazy?

Answer 1

Well you admit that he had these issues in past relationships, so he must have told you prior to marrying him, yet you decided to go ahead anyway. Now, you've decided you can't deal with it....who's the one being unfair here? If you have no children, then I would consider leaving, separating etc. If you have kids together, I would do whatever I could to try to save this marriage.

Answer 2

My moral compas says that divorce is always a last resort and you should always try harder to make things work out until it's just not possible. However my moral compas also says that if you're married you should never deny your partner anything, it is your jobs to take care of each others needs and if he is neglecting you and he will not stand up and take care of your needs than you also have a right to be loved, looked after and cared for and it sounds like he is not living up to husbandly duties. The only advice I could give would be to sit down when you have a calm moment and really confirm that there is nothing left to your marriage that you value and if that is the case than you have to take care of yourself if he will not take care of you but really make sure it is the LAST resort and that all other avenues have been explored. You could even try telling him that this is how you feel and since you feel you are being neglected you are thinking about other men and are thinking about divorce and see what happens and if that has no effect than I guess that's your answer. I wish you luck and be very carefull please divorce is a really bad thing, it hurts all people involved

Answer 3

NO this is not a complete marriage. There is something wrong with him that counseling may help - but only if he is willing.
People have all different levels of sex drive - but the lack of interest in making love (but will f***) says it is a mental problem not a physical problem. He may even be homosexual - so steady yourself for that too - contact PFAG for more information.

First of all - get some books on sex and really educate yourself - it may have been a taboo subject in his family or he may have some bad history that makes him want to avoid it. Might start some discussion. If he won't make an effort and swallow his pride or what ever it is stopping him from seeking help you do not have much of a chance for change. Do you want to be asking yourself the same questions in 25 years? The only change will be you saying "I'm not in my prime".

Answer 4

This is a horrible situation.

You need to either-
Seek a good sex therapist for BOTH of you to see so that you can determine what the root of this problem is to try and address is properly to achieve desired results.
OR
Seek your own counsel and go through your concerns. Determine if you want to try and solve this problem, or move on.

You should NOT spend any time on your life feeling this way- especially with you spouse. Your suposed to feel loved, special, and sexy. Intimacy is what holds you together in a whole other sense, it creates an enviorment of compassion, sharing, communication, and pleasure that you need to share together to be a healthy whole.

Otherwise your just people who 'care' about eachother and live together doing daily activitys. You might as well be with your brother or sister. Intimacy is what sets your relationship apart from any other, and what makes it special. Without that... what is there to make you feel complete?

Be sure to have MORE frank discussions about this, voice your concern. Express that you are feeling desperate and are having feeling for other men. Maybe it will help serve as a wake up call that he may loose you. But DO NOT stay in this without a fight of effort- otherwise, you need to move on.

Answer 5

1 thing I can tell you is don't be a Rat and cheat. Let him know that you two need to get it going on. And if he's with it take it so. I don't know how you seduced him but, did you get clear picture of what he likes and use it to help the situation? As, far as him dealing with ex then he's more messed up then he lets on. He's in a new relationship and still struggling with issues of an old one. Something is really going on. I don't know how to treat clinical depression except for "Distracting Pleasure". Do something for yourself and him. Tease him by pleasuring yourself in front of him or do it via Skype (Thank you Kendra Basket). Try you being alone and take some arousal aids and then see what happens after that. If the still isn't the key. You need to leave and move on. But, once again, don't Be A Filthy Rat and cheat. It's not worth your dignity.

Answer 6

Get some therapy - there is an underlying problem that has nothing to do with sex.

If you cant get your husband to go then go alone - you need some counseling to pick up your self respect ( I know how a sexless relationship can make you doubt yourself). The counseling will help you get stronger and make healthy decision about how to fix or maybe even just deal with this problem.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

Ah, I know it well, only in reverse. You have to decide if you want to be happy again versus life as you know it. The rest of your life is probably pretty good, there's just no intimacy. Do you toss all that aside to be happy? That's the tough question and one I haven't been able to answer... yet. I'm sure you're still attractive and desirable, he's just convinced you otherwise. Your wants and desires are perfectly normal, perfectly human. It's not wrong to have needs and desires. I'm sure someone could easily appreciate you and make you "feel beautiful" again. Search within yourself for the answer, it's an answer only you can give, despite all this well intentioned advice. Good luck, I hope you find happiness.

Answer 8

If you and your husband do not want to or feel that counseling will help you at this point, maybe you should think about divorce. At the very least, you need to take care of yourself.
At any point in a marriage when intimacy just doesn't exist anymore, I feel the marriage doesn't stand much of a chance.
Sex and intimacy are vital to any human being for physical and mental health.
You don't say how old you are, but ask yourself, do I stay because it is good for me, and is it healthy for me to stay in this relationship? Weigh the pro's and con's, all of them. If the con's outweigh the pro's, seriously consider what you want and need out of life, and act on those feelings.
You and your husband can continue to be friends, if that is what both of you want, but to stay in an intimacy-free relationship is not healthy.

Answer 9

It's time to call your trusty divorce lawyer and move on. Even in Insurance claim settlement, after an accident, if the husband or wife cannot perform sexually, there is a provision in the law for compensation called "Loss of companionship". Obviously, in your case no horrible accident has occurred so you should not suffer like this, it's ridiculous. Part of marriage is sexual intimacy. If you can't get it from your husband and there is no chance that it will improve, it's best to find a partner that will satisfy you. Plenty of men out there for you. Get out while you are still young.

Answer 10

This is definitely not fair to you. Your husband should know that a healthy sexual relationship is vital to a marriage (and any intimate relationship, in general). I think taking him to counseling would be a good first step. If all else fails, maybe a trial separation would be best. This would give you some time to experience something new, and maybe your husband would finally know what he's missing. Remember, you never know what you had until it's gone...