He wants to live together and I don't - who's right?

Question

A lot of people say that living together before marriage prepares you and makes sure that you are completely compatible before making promises you may not be able to keep. This is my BF's position. I think, though, that you should date long enough to know how that person is without having to live together - and that living together in an intentionally temporary situation is not an accurate representation of marriage, which is (supposed to be) a permanent situation. It's just not the same thing.

So what should we do? This argument causes strife between us, as we are starting to talk about marriage as a possibility for our future. Is it fair for me to put my foot down and refuse under any circumstance or should I relent? I know my family would never, ever accept my living with someone outside of marriage, and I am a virgin with no intention of changing that before I'm married, and he's totally fine with that. How can we resolve this?

Answer 1

Yes, you're right to put your foot down. If you're not comfortable with it, you shouldn't do it, and he should respect that. Sounds like the two of you have different ideas of commitment. You're also right that it's not an accurate representation of marriage. Many people still keep separate checkbooks and other savings/bank accounts, splitting utilities 50/50 paying for your own cars, etc. The commitment is still not there, so it's not the same even if you are "committed" to each other. I lived with my husband beforehand and was skeptical of the idea. We are still married, but I don't think it would have made a difference if we hadn't lived together. Our marriage is a whole lot different than our relationship than when we were living together before we were married. Looking back, I wish we hadn't lived together. What's he going to want to do about kids (which also drastically changes the marital relationship). Is he going to want to adopt one and then get rid of the child if he doesn't like parenthood? Same principal.

Answer 2

My own view is that relationships are not about dogmas, they're about flexibility and adjustment. Often at some point in the relationship, it just "feels" right to move in together; I ended up virtually living at my then-b/f's place for several months while paying rent in my own apartment; it just happened this way, and moving in together officially was simply a natural thing to do (we are now married). I didn't do it because I wanted to "try out" the living together - but because we enjoyed each other's company so much, we didn't want to be apart; marriage was a natural extension of this feeling.

You sound very young, and perhaps at your age it's better to be safe than sorry. But I think as you mature you will let go of some of the dogmas, and will be more confident following your heart rather than the iron-clad black-and-white rules you learned from your concervative family. At this point, neither you or your b/f are right or wrong, you both have your own point of view, and you shouldn't do something simply because *he* wants you to do it. Do what feels right to you at the moment. Just keep in mind that the "right" thing to do may not always be what the dogmas tell you to do. Flexibility is key to relationships, and to life in general.

Answer 3

I feel that you are the one that is right here... Why live together before you are married... I do not see a use or reason for it... It is much more romantic to wait until you are married so he can carry you over the threshold into your new home that you are going to build together. It is fair to put your foot down on this issue and if he really love and cares for you the way he says he does then you will not lose him over this... I wish you the best.. Do what you feel is right and moral and God will bless you and your life for it!

Answer 4

You are right not to relent on your morals. Your fiance probably wants to "try before he buys" which-according to your principles and mine-is morally wrong. Besides, I've heard many times that statistically, the divorce rate is much higher for couples who live together before marriage. Also, living together is not an accurate representation of marriage because the commitment is just not there.

If he expects you to compromise on your morals over this issue, there are likely other issues that he will try to pressure you into compromising on as well, that just haven't surfaced yet as another answerer has already stated.

Answer 5

If you are against living together in a big moral way, then what other moral issues is he going to disagree with you on? In what other ways will you have to compromise your morals to make him happy? There are probably others, but they just haven't come up yet. The statistics say that many couples who live together first actually have a higher divorce rate. I don't know if they are still accurate. I lived with my hubby before we got married, but we already KNEW we were going to get married, we just wanted a bit more time for everyone else to get used to the idea and more time to make sure it would work. We are now 10 years strong....but what works for one couple won't work for another...

Answer 6

I think if you don't want to, you shouldn't. Marriages last longer when the couple has not lived together first. That is a fact few people realize. I have been married 20 years and my wife and I did not live together first. You are to be commended for remaining a virgin until marriage. Someone will feel very special one day, even if its not your current boyfriend.

Answer 7

I lived with my now husband for two years before we were married. We did not wanna enter into marriage unless we were completely compatable. You see things about the other person when you LIVE with them, not just date and go home. Your boyfriend is right, but if you are not willing to look down the road and see things for what they are, forget it. You say your in with a relationship, and would like to marry him, however, you don't want to even entertain the thought of living with him because "its a temporary situation". If you really love him, find out all about him. The divorce rate is high enough by people marrying and not realizing what the other is really like behind closed doors......living together. I'm for it. Your boyfriend is right.

Answer 8

Your b/f is wrong. Couples that live together before marriage are MORE likely to divorce than those that don't. Why would you call someone a boy/ FRIEND if he wants to do something against your wishes? Did anyone ever hear of a honeymoon. You get married, then when the moon comes up, you get the honey

Answer 9

If you are a virgin and don't intend to change that before marriage, then I can tell you categorically that moving in together will definately change that. There is no way that you can live in the same home without having that temptation to be intimate crop up. Unless you have no sexual attraction to your boyfriend, then you have to realize that if you move in together, it will be extremely difficult to abstain from sex. If you feel strongly about not moving in together and he doesn't respect that, then I would question whether or not he is right for you. Seriously - this is a big issue. This is important to you. We are talking about your value system and what is important to you. To him, it is no big deal to live together before marriage. If that is the case, then he doesn't have a conscience struggle here. In your case, however, it IS a big deal and you DO have a conscience struggle. If a person can't respect your feelings on something this important to you and can't respect the position it puts you in with regard to your conscience and your relationship with your family, then that person is not showing you respect. When you marry someone, mutual respect is vital for the success of a marriage. When I was married, there was no mutual respect and my marriage died. I am now happily engaged and we have mutual respect. For the record, I am living with my fiance. If my parents were still alive, I would not be doing this, because I know they would disapprove. Their opinions and feelings mattered to me because I had respect for them and the way that they raised me. For me, when we decided to move in together, it was only because my fiance was spending so much time at my place that it didn't make sense for him to pay rent and utilities on his place when he was never there. Also, I have 2 children whose father married suddenly after our divorce was final when just 4 months before, he was still claiming to love me and wanting to reconcile. It was difficult on my children to suddenly have a step-mother who they didn't have a chance to get to know before their father got re-married. I wanted my fiance and my kids to have a chance to get to know each other on a gradual basis before anything was settled on a legal basis. I wanted to work out any issues before we got married that might creep up. Also, we plan to marry soon. We have told my kids that we are abstaining before marriage, and they are aware of this. Still, we have slipped a few times because it is just plain difficult to abstain. I say, that if it is important to remain a virgin before marriage, you should NOT move in together. If your boyfriend can't respect your feelings on this without feeling threatened by them, then it is a red flag that he will not respect your feelings on other issues as they crop up down the road.

Answer 10

the decision is not your family's decision that's for sure. you need to learn to compromise if you intend on ever being in a marriage. my bf and i live together - and it is a window into marriage (i was married b4). you address money issues, trust, intimacy, household duties, etc. that you dont address living apart. but i do understand why u think it is wrong - you need to decide as a couple...why dont you want to .... and he can try to address those concerns. if you cant figure this one out, dont get married - marriage is full of compromise.