My heart carries a deep apology
My eyes glisten with reminisce of tears.
No one can feel what I am feeling
…That I can not erase your fears
I want so much to make you happy again
I want to give you the sun and the stars.
There’s so much that you deserve to have,
But I only leave more scars.
What can I do to be the one that you want?
The one that you’ve dreamed of for so long.
Your every wish, your every fantasy
A woman who is strong.
Please show me the way to be the girl
That sweeps you off of your feet
To love each other forever more
To heal your heart that weeps.
2007-01-23 04:19:46 · 26 answers · asked by LaLaLaBamba 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
I think, the first section of the poem is above outstanding!!! It is far superior to the entire poem. But over all it is a very good poem. I really think the first section could win a prize in a poetry contest.
2007-01-23 05:18:57 · answer #1 · answered by ruthie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sad and affecting words. You write well.
But since you asked, just one suggestion: Use personal pronoun "who," and not "that," when referring to a person:
"What can I do to be the one that/WHO you want?"
"The one that/WHOM you’ve dreamed of for so long."
"That/WHO sweeps you off of your feet."
These are just grammatical fixes (I'm a purist -- as well as a purrist: Meow!), but it's perfectly fine the way you've written it. That's your poetic license!
2007-01-23 12:29:11 · answer #2 · answered by macguffin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice
2007-01-23 12:23:30 · answer #3 · answered by blue 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Change last line to, "and heal my heart that weeps" or "To heal the heart that weeps". Seems you are the one that is hurting in this writing.
2007-01-23 12:25:05 · answer #4 · answered by father of 4 husband of 1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the poem is okay, but i don't like the idea of someone feeling a need to change themselves in order to make someone else happy - it's like the girl is trying too hard to be someone she's not, so in trying to make the guy happy, she probably won't be - she shouldn't lose herself by trying to give him everything he wants
2007-01-23 12:37:57 · answer #5 · answered by JeenaBlahBlahBlah 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
better than most that I have read on here, but I still wonder who the first idiot was that decided poetry has to rhyme to be good. To me, forcing a poem to rhyme really limits your creativity.
2007-01-23 12:22:35 · answer #6 · answered by I hate friggin' crybabies 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Neat. Good luck with that
Take care
2007-01-23 12:23:38 · answer #7 · answered by Iguana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that is a sweet poem. I bet you'll get lots of rude answers though, don't pay attention to them!
2007-01-23 12:22:41 · answer #8 · answered by Sweet! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very good,maybe you should try entering it in a Fair.
2007-01-23 12:25:27 · answer #9 · answered by Someone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice i enjoyed reading it. Very creative and sweet..gOOd Job
2007-01-23 12:24:14 · answer #10 · answered by Kara 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋