Husband would rather stay on computer or phone, than come to bed.?

Question

My husband stays up every night either on the computer or talking on the phone with friends. One is female the other is male. I usually fall asleep around 10 and have asked him to come to bed earlier, even if just to cuddle, and he ignores my requests. What should I do?

I work full time, he works part time and stays at home with our infant and toddler the rest of the time. I will admit that I've had a rough year, very stressed out from work and my mom passed away 6 months ago and have been depressed and have started taking medication for it. He talks on his cell phone, not the house phone. I've called the cell phone but no one ever answers and it is an automated message with no name. However, he erases the history from the computer every night. I've told him if he has nothing to hide he wouldn't be doing that.

I've tried lingerie. The other night he was out in the garage having a beer and I sent him a text message after the kids fell asleep that I was waiting for him to come in to make love to me and he ignored it at first, then said he was too tired, but stayed up another hour.

And I've asked him several time for a date night in the past few weeks, but still nothing.

Answer 1

That's a tough one. If he works part-time and you work full-time, you are probably more tired than he is and want to go to bed earlier as a result - especially if you are suffering depression also. It's understandable that he might not be ready for bed when you are. Still, when a woman asks her husband to come to bed, even for snuggling, and he would rather talk on the phone or be online, that signals a problem. Have you tried seducing him to bed? Also, no matter how tired you may be, have you tried connecting with him on the things that are important to him? Often when a partner feels their needs aren't being met, they will try to meet them in other ways. If he feels he can't share about his day or about things that are important to him, he may feel the need to talk to his friends on the phone if he can't talk to you. I delete my history every time I am online also, not because I have anything to hide (because I don't), but because I go to "tools", then "internet options", and then I delete cookies, history of browsed files, then I delete all temporary internet files, etc., simply because I used to work for an internet provider and I know how hackers can get in and mess you up if they are able to access what you have been doing online. For me, it is simply a precaution. You never know - that could be the case for your husband as well. Still, when a person deletes the history after being online, there is that chance that they are trying to prevent someone else from knowing what was viewed. I would try to connect with your husband with things that are important to him, to see if that will bring him back into your world somehow. I would also try enticing him to bed with some sexy clothing or suggestive words. Most importantly, I would sit down and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. He may not have a clue you are feeling as you do, and I think you need to give him the chance to be the supportive husband you need him to be. I understand the pain of losing a mother. I lost my father, then my brother 2 months later, then my mother 6 months after that. It was horrible. Though it has been 2 years, I still feel the pain of it at times. You need to be able to have someone you can lean on for emotional support. If you try talking to your husband and get nowhere with that, I would try counseling. Also, there is a good website out there where you can join message boards, called MotherlessMothers.com. I have participated on this site myself and have found it to be healing and helpful. You should try it out. It is for you and every other woman without a mother. There is even a place for children and teens without mothers to talk. It could help. Best wishes to you.

Answer 2

He's probably suring for porn or maybe chatting and cybersex on the computer. As far as staying up late everynight on the computer and talking on the phone, honestly, it's probably because that is more appealing to him than going to bed with you. The trick is finding out why and what, if anything, can be done to fix that.

My suggestion is to simply ask him why he would rather stay up late talking on the phone with friends and surfing the net than being with you. You must give him the latitude to answer openly and honestly without fear of being brutally attacked. You must also be prepared for an answer you really don't want to hear.

Let him know how it makes you feel and be prepared to discuss some sort of amicable compromise. If you try to make ultimatums or assume he's 100% of the problem, you will likely drive him further away.

Answer 3

Unless your offering something more that a cuddle then the computer or phone is somehow more appealing to him. Perhaps he is just not tired and stays up until he gets sleepy. If you do offer and he still doesn't come to bed then I would be a bit more concerned about what he is doing and who is talking with.

Answer 4

he is doing porn and contemplating sex or flirting with the female on the phone. Give him no chances, check up on him, if this is what is happening, give him the boot. He would not like that if you did it, now would he? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. go out after work w/ friends, have a drink, have a little fun, don't be so quick to come home and cater to him. Enjoy your life and vitality, and do not waste it on him

Answer 5

You need to find out what is going on, stop at nothing, get to the bottom of it. Install a key logger on the computer. Check your cell phone call records and see incoming and outgoing cell phone numbers. Something is really wrong.

L.

Answer 6

Sit down and talk with him about this. Shut off the computer, and tell him your concerns. He's thinking only of himself and putting the computer before you. I know I have been there.

He may not be doing anything sneaky behind your back like looking at porn or doing cyber sex with anyone, but I can see where it can cause trust problems if something isn't done to change this soon.

Answer 7

there may be a reason why he isnt up for intimacy lately. talk to him about it. tell him you miss him and you want to hold him before you go to bed. if nothing seems to be working suggest that both of you should stop using the phone tv computer after a certain time. if he needs some space, make a special time of the day when the both of you can branch off and do your own thing. but try and tell him you want the time before bed to be YOUR time. not the tv comp or phone.

Answer 8

Pick up the phone while he thinks you're asleep. Check the computers history and his e-mail. What is more important that being in bed with his WIFE?! Are you two still intimate? Talk to him about it, make sure you let him know how it makes you feel. If he isn't willing to change, then he doesn't deserve to be married to you.

Answer 9

My wife and I have different sleep schedules, and we have come to accept that fact. People are different. However, I also accepted the fact that we can't always have sex on my schedule, and she can't expect me to stay in bed all night after sex. So, when she goes to bed, either she will suggest I join her or I will follow her in for some sex. When the sex is over, I will get back up and finish my night and she will go to sleep. Once we accepted this routine, the problem you are having went away.

Answer 10

Maybe spice it up. I know this is simple but sex makes most men leave whatever they are doing behind and come to bed. Don't expect him to come to bed at first but try seducing him where he is, buy some sexy lingerie, give huge hints. etc, make a romantic dinner, try the same stuff you did before you got married. Good luck