Partner turned out asexual after child birth. Drove me to frustration. Should i continue with the marraige?

Question

I have a huge sex drive and my wife turned out to be just the opposite. Situation worsened after birth of my child. The last time we had sex was an year ago. This has got me frustrated and drove me to internet P.orn in every flavor. I imagine sex with every other good looking female i see. Distance between me n my wife has widened to the point that we hardly talk to each other these days. Feel terribly depressed at times. Have even resorted to adultery in depression... and felt bad later on. Plese help. I am still continuing with the marraige becos of my child and becos of our parents who are unaware of the situation. Cant tell our parents of our sexless marraige and cant have my child splitting his time between parents. I weep terribly at times when i analyze my situation, which seems hopeless. Please put yourself in my shoes before u answer. Sometimes i feel an early heart attack would solve my problem. I am 35 and my wife 34 with a marraige of 8 years.

old topic.

Answer 1

Dear CA,

I've seen many VERY happy marriages that were absolutely sexless due to various reasons. Sometimes medical problems can make sex impossible.
Imagine this: What would happen if you were in a car accident and lost your genitals? Would your wife stay with you and love you just as much?
True love trancends the sexual relationship. Your true happiness will not come from sex, but it will arise from your heart if you can put your wife in the position of honor she deserves. It is very common for women to lose sexual drive for a while after childbirth. She will most likely recover her drive and give you many more beautiful children if you take care not to destroy the relationship now. Give her time. Give her respect (and this means being faithful to her as well) and give her all your love. Show her how awesome you think it is that she bore you a child. Honor her decision not to have sex for now and when she is ready to reveal herself again to you, it will be a gift you deserve and an honor beyond compare.
I know it's hard (no pun intended), but you have to be strong now for the sake of everything beautiful in your life, and everything beautiful which is yet to come.
Talk to her with love, don't let the distance get wider. Let her know she is still desireable to you.
Also, you sound like you may have some of the signs of clinical depression. You will need to see a doctor for this just to make sure it is treated if in fact it exists. You want to remain strong: mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Your patience will pay off, but don't mess it up now over some senseless affair.
Remember: It is not hopeless! The only way it can be hopeless is if you give up.

Answer 2

You may choose to come out of your marriage if you want. But already you have found a reason not to do so - your child. There are other reasons too. Your wife is suffering from a problem which could perhaps be taken care of by an able doctor or counsellor. I find no mention of any such thing in your question. Please try to do that first and foremost. Your wife's asexuality at this stage (after giving birth to a child) may not be sufficient ground for unilateral divorce either. Also keep in mind that this might be a passing phase (it happens with many women after child birth). She might regain her sexual vigour later with or without proper medication. You can in any case talk to her freely about this problem which is literally driving you mad. Maybe some mutually agreeable solution can come up. But do give up adultery. Not only do you invite problems for your family and yourself through adultery, but also risk contracting STDs and HIV. Overall hold your patience and give it some time. Don't get easily frustrated. These things have a tendency to turn for the better just when you have taken an intractable step.

Answer 3

First of all, get therapy! Not having sex for a year is neither normal nor healthy. See someone who specializes in sex therapy. You have a child and you've put 8 years into this marriage. You owe it to your wife and child to do whatever it takes to solve this issue without breaking up the family. If your wife refuses therapy, or if therapy fails to revive her sexual interest in you, then you have some tough decisions to make. The moral issue with an affair isn't that a person is having sex with someone else, but that there is a violation of committment in the relationship. It's dishonest. However, and I know this won't be a very popular answer for some, but I have definitely seen that it's a very realistic solution... you could always let your wife know that you need sexual satisfaction, and that if you can't get it in the marriage, you will be forced to look elsewhere for it. There! You've warned her! She might agree - it might take some pressure off her. Barring that, you could leave the relationship, but I think this is the least desireable outcome. The bald truth is that conventional rules and relationships don't work for everyone. I know a very successful couple, who don't have sex and they've agreed that the husband will have sex elsewhere. The truth is that if you don't do something about it, it will happen without anyone's consent - even yours. Make sure you are in control of your choices rather than having your choices control you.

Answer 4

Dang dude! You dug yourself a hole...but calm down..I think your wife's decreased sex drive is fairly normal after having a child and you shouldn't have taken it so personally...

You can make it work! Just because you have been a ripe b*st*rd in the past doesn't mean you can't fix this. Start going to couple's therapy. Quit the cheating IMMEDIATELY. Rub them out on your own, if necessary, but don't got to other women. Your wife will LEAVE if she catches anything.

You and your wife need to reconnect and be able to speak openly and honestly about your situations. You will have to work very hard at it, but it's not impossible, if you want it to work. You will probably find that you are missing out on an amazing person once you start looking closer.

Just quit beating yourself up and get moving on falling in love again!

Answer 5

I have a friend who is in a similar situation as urs. and he too is very miserable and not able to leave, because of the kids. He too looked for sex outside and did get it, it was not difficult too ,for he holds a very high position in a very good company, But now, i find, at the end of the day he is not happy.

He went searching for happiness and satisfaction, and when he did get it, his guilt and fright where his wife may come to know ,has made him miserable. He is fed up of lying and making up stories when he gets home late or has to go out to satisfy his urge.
It is sad, very sad, for no one understands that sex too is very important to keep a relationship healthy. We are human and all of us have this urge which is absolutely normal within us.

So friend, i can only tell u, thru what i have seen, is, please sit and talk to her, if it works very good, but if it does not, then i think u will have to take a call. It is better to die once than die every second of our life is a saying... so here i say it is good to face, suffer, and thrash things once and for all. Everyone will come to terms with the situation soon, rather than prolonging it and u suffering, she suffering and later the children too suffering in an unhappy marriage and family.

Remember it is better for the child to know, that his parents seperated..rather than knowing that his father cheats on his mother and sleeps around with other women.

Divorce is an accepted fact, but cheating still isnt.

so wish u all the best .......

Answer 6

If you are so unhappy WHY would you want to stay in your marriege. What does it matter what other people think. The only thing that's really important is what's good for you and your well being. Grow a set of BA**s and get on with your life.

Answer 7

You should talk to your wife about what has been going on and how you've been feeling. Just try not to make it sound like your begging for it (even though I wouldn't blame you if you did!) and make her listen. In my own opinion you should both go see a marriage counsler and have her go to the doctor. She may be experiencing Post-Partum Depression (even if it's a year later).

Answer 8

Sorry man. Obviously you need to talk her to find out what the problem is before cheating. This is normal after having a child, she might have PPD. Hopefully this isn't the case, they do make viagra for women.

Answer 9

Congratulations on doing the right thing for your family......especially your child. That child needs his/her parents to be together. I can only imagine your frustration. I certainly respect your integrity in not giving up.

Does your wife feel sexy or beautiful? My guess is no. And that is probably something she brought into the marriage with her, and it worsens with child birth.

Try to make her FEEL beautiful and sexy. Make her FEEL like she is the only woman for you. Make her FEEL like she is the goddess of your life. And make her FEEL like you are driven by your love, not by sex.

Take it slow. This is something that is not going to happen overnight. But if you take it slow and easy, she will gain trust in you over time...............and her love, and sexuality, will grow.

The main thing...............try your best to understand HER and what is causing this. She needs gentle help and guidance...........and understanding. She needs your patience. Most of all she needs to know she is emensly adored for who and what she is right now.

Make her fall in love with you all over again. :)

I know this seems like you need to do all the work, but if you do, it will pay off with great rewards in your relationship............and yes, sexually too.

We women are are funny creatures. We FEEL everything. That's just something that comes with the package. But we reward greatly when the man of our life makes us the queen of his life..............and treats us as such.

Again............congratulations for hanging in there and wanting to build the relationship instead of throwing it away. I wish you the very best.

............I would be omissive if I didn't throw in here the obvious and recommend marriage counseling.

Answer 10

Ur problem is really serious. I think u should take ur wife to some psycotherapist. try to make her understand ur problem, discuss about it with her, communication gap will only widen the gap between u two.Exite her sensually with love n affaction. do all these things at ur best level, I wish that she'll come close to u but even if she doesn't change think seriously about divorse bcoz u have every rite to live a normal life. All my best wishes r with u.