How do you decide whether to have children or not?

Question

I'm 31, single, professional and I really, really don't want to have kids. Everybody, but everybody says that I will change my mind, but that I mustn't do it too late.

The thought of having a baby in the next 5 years is like a death sentence. That means I have only 5 years to meet my travelling, career, personal and financial goals. Then its 20 years of looking after someone elses life instead of living my own.

'They' say that it is irresponsible to have babies after 35 (birth defects, fertility problems), but un-thinkable to get ones tubes tied if you haven't had kids.

'They' also say that I will love my child and will never regret having it and will never miss losing out on my career, travel, sleeping in etc.

How do I make this decision? Is it really now or never?

Answer 1

Only you will know when you are ready. There is no point in listening to other people. Why bow to pressure as that's what it sounds like...?

Answer 2

Well, it's not really now or never. I have heard of women who go on birth control for many years and as such they never have their regular cycle so in essense they preserve their eggs so to speak and end up having periods for years which is why you see more and more women getting pregnant at the age of 40 - 50. I guess you always run the risk of higher birthing complications as you get older. I mean that's one of the reasons people age is because of the decay of our genetic material and as you get older your ability to produce a healthy child becomes lessened but that totally depends on how well you take care of yourself. I would say that it is not required that you have children or a family and maybe your traveling and career is more important to you. However I can safely say that by not having children you would be denying yourself the very reason you are female. So once you fulfill that purpose you probably would feel something inside yourself different than you have experienced thus far. However I am not God so I cannot be certain. As for whom says it's irresponsible to have a baby after the age of 35, see above comment about elder people having healthy children. The only reason I could think of that it would be irresponsible is because of your age and higher health risks and higher death probability that goes with it. @ 31 I would not worry too much about that though, but around 40 start biting your nails

Answer 3

It's really a question that only you can answer for yourself. But having children isn't the end - it's the closure of one chapter in your life and the beginning of another.

I too wanted to travel the world, have a kick-*** career, get my own house etc, etc but life didn't work out like that. I met my husband when I was 23, had 2 children by the time I was 26 and that was that. We're still together 15 years later and happily married. The girls are the most beautiful, witty, intelligent kids that ever walked the earth (of course!). I was reluctant whilst pregnant but as soon as I saw that little thing that I helped create, this feeling overcame me like nothing I have ever felt before.

When they started growing, getting their own personalities, I realised that being their mum was what I was meant to do. Now they are older, I am going to uni to get the degree I would have dropped out of doing when I left school. I am working hard and doing very, very well. I know I am going to have the career I wanted and when the girls are at Uni themselves in about 5 years time, we will still only be in our early 40s with time enough to see everything we always wanted to see with the finances to do it.

Not having lie-ins did affect me initially but they grew out of waking early years ago and yet I am the one who can't lie in in the mornings now!

What I am really saying I suppose is that you should let nature take its course. If you were meant to be a mum, then that is what will happen. If you decide to do one thing or the other, you will always wonder what would have happened if you decided to do the other thing.

Answer 4

I agree, children are the single largest responsibility you will have in your entire life, so make the decision responsibily.I know from experience. I have two beautiful daughters, aged 25 and 19.I have no regrets looking back on my life. I was relatively young when my first wife and I had children (we were both twenty-one). Too young, maybe. But it does mature you beyond your years as we found out raising two children while in our twenties.The decision ultimately IS YOURS, not someone elses. So don't let anybody pressure you into doing something you might regret in the future.
A century ago people had huge families, the idea being that when they grew up they would help to support the family,and ultimately they would take care of their parents (during their old age).However, that certainly is not the case today.It seems as though our children are dependent upon us much longer,sometimes well into their twenties. And as far as taking care of us when we get old,they will, by placing us in a senior's care facility and visiting us on special occassions only.I hope my two daughters are wise enough to understand that the amount of time I spent raising and caring for them during their childhood should be directly proportional to the amount of time they spend with me during my twilight years.
These are difficult times we live in today, and they're not getting any better.Make your decision wisely.Your life and your children's depend upon it.

Answer 5

Think very carefully. I was with my ex for 14 years and he really wanted kids and I didn't want any at all. We split up about 5 years ago and I got with a wonderful guy who I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He has 3 children from a previous relationship and I realised that I would dearly love one with him as he is the man of my dreams. I have just had pelvic inflammatory disease caused by an operation I had for cervical cancer a couple of years ago, and have now been told I cant have kids. I am devestated. I only wish I hadn't been so negative about having kids when I was younger.

Answer 6

First off it is your decision to be made and no one should try to pressure you into children.
No everyone wants children and you might be one of those individuals that does or will not have them.
Lastly it is not irresponsible to have children after the age of 35 and many women are having children later on in life
Do what you feel is best for you and do not give into the pressure

Answer 7

I think you should relax smart blond. Take life at the pace that is for you. I have children and I love them to bits and they did not come at the time I planned.

My advice to you would be to carry on with the rest of your life. Having children is somehow like true love it just happens and works itself out. Keep an open mind about what you want. Some choose not to have children but some would like to and can not have of their own so keep your options open. Children are a gift. After all someone decided to have you.

Answer 8

Who are "they"? Who cares what others think? Listen hun I knew when I was a child that I would grow up and be a mom. I have never once regreted the descion to have them. I think you are either born with this or not. If you have no desire to have children this doesn't make you a bad person or weird. It is just what you prefer to do with your life. Don't let someone else make you feel bad about being you. Best wishes my friend:)

Answer 9

Over the years I've known a few married proffesional couples who have been perfectly happy not starting a family! Reproducing is not the be all and end all of life. Just do whatever makes you feel happy. Some women just don't have thta mothers instinct, and that's perfectly ok!

Answer 10

it is now or never. but you seem like a career driven women, so i doubt you will change your mind. the worst thing ever isto have a child you didnt want. it is a huge commitment. dont EVER rush into somthing as huge as that. you need to decide, do you actually want a child. if not then you shouldnt plan for one. who knows what will happen. your opinion is different to 'them' and you should do whats right for you. i think around 36-7 is the max at which you should have a child, but you seem like you really dont want one, so dont force the feeling- you dont want to end up hating and resenting your child do ya?

Answer 11

It sounds like you don't think it's in your self-interest to have children. In the "old days", with no NHS, limited pensions, etc, you would be more likely to be dependent to a degree on your children, esp. if things went pear-shaped. With high infant mortality, you'd be more inclined to have a large family. In the 21st century, with a new economic reality, fewer children are born in rich, Western countries.

The UK's government has ensured that Britain is excessively family friendly. In many jobs, you'll find it's single people who do the most work per pound earned. Workers with families are given fully-paid maternity AND paternity leave, more likely to be given flexible hours, allowed to leave work early to pick up kids, etc. I don't think it's totally unreasonable, but those with families are going to pick up a "family dividend" in the long-run (see self-interest reasons above), so should perhaps be paid less, if they do less work.