What do I do now? My husband has told me a dark secret from his past.?

Question

My husband and I have been married for over 2 yrs, together for 6, and we have a 9 mnth old. When we first got together, I found gay porn. I confronted him about it, he said he was just curious, and I accepted it. Then, his ex told me he had had sex with a man when he was in high school. This caused some issues between us, and ever since (for the past 5 years) I have been asking him about it, and he throws it in my face saying that if I believe her over him, then I should just get out and it's not worth it if I don't trust him. we have had trust issues in the past, he has lied many times about small things. Then, the other day, we were having a heart to heart and he confessed that when he was 16, he did have sex with an older man. He said he didn't enjoy it at all, that it felt wrong and dirty, and it was something he was ashamed and embarrassed about it. I can understand that, experimenting is normal at that age, but he has been lying for 5 years! How do Iever trust him again?

For those trying to say it is my fault, you do not know the extent of the issue- we are very sexually open, and have no secrets from eachother. I have done things in the past that are almost just as bad, and I told him upfront. I would not want to be with someone forever that couldn't accept me for who I am. I am not upset at what he did, I am upset that he has been lying about it. It is not like I ask him all of the time, just maybe once or twice a year. My deal is that he lied because he was afraid I would leave him. He waited until we were married with a child and he recently moved me half across the country to a state where I don't know anyone to tell me, so I couldn't leave him. I wouldn't have left him, but I still diserved to make my decision before we got married. We are VERY open, and that's why it is so bad. I would never leave him, but now I don't know if I can trust him.

To answer all of your questions, YES he knows everything about me... EVERYTHING!!! (I have some pretty big skeletons, too.) I have known him before he did this, so yes, it is a big issue. We have been Romantically together for 6 years, but I've known him for over 10 and it's not like he avoided the conversation- he flat out told me no, and if I thought it was true I was pretty much a horrible person, and he would put me through emotional HELL even the first time I asked--- So for all of you who want to judge- that is not what this site is for. I asked for help about how I can build the trust back with my husband!!! We agreed to get married on a clean slate- no more secrets--- I poured my heart out about everything because if he couldn't accept things that I have done, then I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I had to keep secrets from. FOR THOSE OF YOU BRAGGING THAT YOU KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR SPOUSE- SHAME ON YOU!!! I knew him waaaaay before this happened.

Answer 1

I think it sounds like he is extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it. It sounds like he has a tendency to like men..but not as much as women and..he is ashamed and has some self loathing sort of thing going on. I would drop it unless something else happens to make you wonder. I understand that you have concerns..I would and its natural. Good luck.

Answer 2

Yes l can understand how you feel about the trust issue but he was obviously very ashamed of himself for what he allowed to happen. I am sure that it is not something that he would want made public. You must also remember that he was only 16 at the time, very young and immature. Obviously this girl who told you about what happened is a trouble maker and l would stay right away from her, there was no need for her to bring up something that happened long ago and would be upsetting for you and your husband. He has been honest with you now, he has told you how badly he felt about it and l'm sure that is why he has always denied anything happening. Leave it alone now and move on with your lives, together and try to be happy. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 3

I'm sorry, but I don't think men experiment. You couldn't pay the majority of genuinely straight men to even kiss another man, let alone have sex! I think that if a man "experiments" it's because he is gay. I don't know much about your life or relationship, but I would be willing to bet that you will be so much happier in the future if you were to split amicably, and let your husband persue whatever it is he really wants and you find yourself a straight man with no secrets. If you don't, you will be living with a miserable person who really probably isn't enjoying sex with you, and more than likely will sneak out on you again at some point. Please don't think I am being mean, just honest and hopefully, thought provoking and helpful. You know that if you weren't concerned with this you wouldn't have asked. And who cares if you can trust him again or not, that's the least of your worries!

Answer 4

Guys having sex with Guys is not normal at any age. And I do not mean from a religious point of view. I do not know of any of my friends that ever had sex with another guy. At 16 most non-gay guys are very very very much into trying into girls pants not guys. I do not have any issues with gay people and think that is a normal thing in life. There are gay people and strait people. I do not believe that a strait 16 year old guy would ever voluntarily have sex with another guy. And the gay porn thing?? He might be Bi or he might be gay but he sure is not just strait.

Answer 5

He's been the same person all along, so if you trusted him then, you should trust him now. I can't even believe he told you something like that, that took an emmense amount of trust and faith in you for him to share it. If you act too brashely to his honesty, then you can probably expect a lot less honesty. Really, who cares if he was or is bi-curious or had a gay relationship? Would it matter this much if it was a woman he had slept with?

Answer 6

Stand on his side n tink abt it 2. He denial earlier might b he felt tat his man ego/pride was being threatened. He felt ashamed n embarrassed abt it and he actually let u into tis secret of his. It really took alot of courage on his side 2 break it 2 u.

Ask yourself truthfully, after considering te above. R u able 2 accepted his dark secret from te past? If you can, it wont b easy 4 both of u 2 actually put it down. Be prepared 4 it. If u cant, consider where u n your child should go/do next. Put your child priority 1st. Gd Luck!

Answer 7

Trust is hard to build up once its torn down. The two of you should get some maritial counseling. Trust needs to be earned; so he will have to prove to you that you can trust him. Him being honest with you was a good start; just five years too late. Perhaps having more "heart to hearts" will build the trust.

Good luck--you are not in an easy place.

Answer 8

This is a time you need to ask yourself if there is something, anything, even a very small thing you have never told him.

IS experimenting at a younger age something you need to talk about? Or even bring up?

Shame on his ex for ever telling you! He told her in confidence.

IF you suspect he has bi-sexual tendancies, try introducing anal sex into your bedroom.

You shouldn't be ashamed of him or really feel he's lied. He just didn't think it was something you'd except and granted, he's right to have thought that.

I'm 50 yrs' old. I have just recently experienced anal sex for the first time ever. I'm wondering why It took so long!
I'm not ashamed of my boyfriend for not minding it himself either.

Maybe your just too closed minded with your honey, and that's why he lied. His love for you over rode the fear of being honest, cause he was affraid of loseing you.

Answer 9

I am not sure that your husband isn't still lying to you. If he is looking at gay porn then he still entertains the thought. My guess is that he struggles with his sexuality and is afraid to come out of the closet with it for fear of being rejected by his family and friends. He may even have a secret life that you know nothing about. I feel very sad in saying these things to you, but I was married to a man for 13 years and then learned that he had another life that he lived outside our home. Because of this, I often suffer with nasty infections. I am worried about you. If he is having homosexual relations, then you are at risk of getting hiv, or stds. He isn't thinking about what this means to you and is risking your health. He may not be in a sexual relationship with a man, but as I said, he is definitely entertaining the thought or he wouldn't be viewing gay porn. Please think long and hard about this. I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I wish you and your baby well.

Answer 10

Honestly, I don't blame him for lying about it to you. It seems like you have been grilling him and he wasn't ready to talk about it. It is in his past, and you say you understand experimenting at that age, so now you want to hold a grudge because he didn't want to talk about it because you did. Give him a break. Let it go and stop bringing it up already. If you were so concerned he may be gay, why did you get married and have a kid? If you don't think he is gay, you need to leave this alone. This is his past, and he's not obligated to talk about it to you unless he wants too. It happened so long ago, your health isn't at risk, let it go.

Answer 11

You are totally concerned about yourself... It doesn't matter that you just blurted out your husbands deepest, darkest secret to the entire world... One, that he's probably been carrying with hurt for years... and all you seem to be worried about is trust issues... Leave the man alone and try to make his life a bit better... He's more than likely told you little lies along the way because of your pestering... So cut him some slack... He's been with you long enough to trust him on the important things...