My husband had an affair and claimed it was over. I broke into his email and found out that he was still having the affair for 4 months. I found pictures of them together, read emails about her love for him and found emails from him saying he didn't find me attractive, and wanted to be with her. The emails hurt and I can not forgive him for what he said to her. He says that he didn't mean what he said and he wants to work on our marriage.
Then he acts suspicious sometimes and doesn't want to come over to the house. I am stressed out and told him that I want more money in the divorce (if there is one) and I want his stuff out. Then the next day I want him there again. But sometimes I break down and cry because of the mean things he said.
He has said that he doesn't want to hurt me and he feels obligated to make it work. And he said he doesn't know if he's tried hard enough. What is going to come of our marriage? Could we get past this without counseling?
2007-01-23 01:19:49 · 30 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
"What is going on with your marriage?" You husband has committed the ultimate dealbreaker --- betrayal. Marriage is admiration, respect, passion and trust. the four biggies. He has shared his body and soul with another lady, and therefore you can no longer trust him.... the respect and admiration are about to be in the toilet as well, making you having none of what makes a marriage... things are surely in your ears --- 'once a cheater, always one...', and for sure, he will cheat on you repeatedly. The first one is usually just the "bridge" out of the marriage... You have none of the four biggies for him, and for sure he has none of them for you.....
"Can you get by this without counseling?" Doubtful. Any counselor worth his/her salt will tell you that it will be two years in counseling before your marriage will be repaired, and that is no guarantee.... two years...and that is if both truly wish to save it...
My dad always said "a divorce is a nice thing if you can afford it." If you have no children, it would be time to cut your losses and find a guy worthy of you. Don't share, hon, never share. Never be the "jerk in reserve" and that is what he is doing to you... and you really don't love this guy --- you love what you thought he was, and what you thought the two of you had, and they just are no longer the same. You can't be a door mat unless you lay there and take it.
2007-01-23 01:41:41 · answer #1 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
#1 HE MEANT EVERY WORD HE SAID TO HIS MISTRESS ABOUT YOU!!
#2 He feels OBLIGATED to make the marriage work?? NO he should WANT the marriage to work because he loves you and you are his wife the one is supposed to love and care about so much.
#3 You know why he doesnt want to come over to the house??? HES WITH THE OTHER WOMAN!!
#4 Affairs are grounds for a divorce!!! If he TRULY REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH YOU he would be at home WITH YOU not out and about with some other woman.
#5 He obviously DOESN'T deserve you and if he cared/loved you in the first place like a husband is supposed to he would not have an affair in the first place!! He also LIED to you about that the affair was over! You found plenty of evidence that the affair was still going on!
#6 You DO NOT need to keep on being treated like #2 and keep on getting hurt by your husband! I don't know if you can work this one out. He wants to be with HER not YOU so let him. He isn't worth your tears or time anymore. GET A DIVORCE!!!
#7 No counseling is not going to work and NO you two cant get past this issue. He already made it clear he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he lied about the affair, who knows how many more affairs that he could have that you don't even know about?? Whos to say he wont have another affair???
I wish you the best!
2007-01-23 01:49:36 · answer #2 · answered by . 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband went beyond having an affair, he actually betrayed your inner most feelings by relating to this woman that he no longer found you attractive. My I can truly understand how hurt and betrayed you feel. This is total lack of respect on his part. Right now you are struggling with the pains of losing him and this is normal, your hurt is still fresh. Why don't you wait awhile before making any decisions. Maybe spend a day or two alone, time to think things through. If you decide to go to counselling, even if it is not for the sole reason to save your marriage, it might benefit you to learn a few things about what went wrong, and also give you time to sort things out. My guess is that he is sure of your love for him, he knows your weaknesses, and therefore he is not afraid of losing you. You must find ways to get strong and not let him continue to hurt you in this way. Remember, no one can treat you in anyway you do not allow them to treat you. Do not reward his negative behaviour and show him you will not tolerate this and mean it even if it hurts. Your self respect is way too high a price to pay for any man! Good luck to you!
2007-01-23 02:39:03 · answer #3 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you could get past this without counseling you would have resolved it by now. Stop the madness!
1. He says he feels "obligated" to make it work, which is very different than WANTING to make it work.
2. If you are both serious about reconciliation, then you have to be honest enough to know that you can't work it out without professional help. Are you both committed to that?
3. Your stress is affecting your decision-making ability, going from wanting to take him to the cleaners to wanting home again.
What's going on with your husband and your marriage? As a couple you've not communicated with each other about what you want. You haven't decided if you want to make an all out effort to save your marriage or if it's over. Your husband hasn't clearly demonstrated that he's willing to do what it takes to get things back on tract, and your emotions are (understandably) running amok. You haven't asked each other what got the relationship to a point where he had to step outside of it to get things he needed from someone else.
Your situation is bigger than you. Individual or couple counseling is the best option for you right now. It doesn't sound like you're able to make a cohesive decision about anything. A counselor can at least get you to clear your mind and give you tools to help you navigate this situation.
2007-01-23 01:33:31 · answer #4 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok #1 he has hurt you already, #2 Anything can be worked out but not with out trust and that is something that has been broken and for you to truely give him another chance it means once again giving him trust even though he doesn't deserve it and you are not doing that if you are checking up on his emails and stuff. If you feel the need to check up on the one you love and can't let the past be the past then you need to find a new furture for your self. No one deserves to be in a marriage where you are just an obligation and if he didn't mean the things he said about you then he was not only lying to you with the affair but also lying to someone he didn't even know to have a piece on the side. Lies seem to surround him and that is his issue and he doesn't deserve to have as much control as he has.
Did I contridict myself in this answer NO I didn't its black or white
BLACK: Start your relationship over with your husband by completely giving him your heart full of trust again, be willing to never bring the past up again because you can't do that if you truely forgive someone
WHITE: Choose not to forgive him and make him suffer the choices of his actions and move on no matter how hard it may seem or how much pain you may feel it can't be anyworse than laying in the bed next to someone you love knowing that they connected phyically and emotionally with another women when they vowed to love you forever.
Good Luck
2007-01-23 01:32:19 · answer #5 · answered by MommaG 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's obviously not feeling very happy in the relationship. If you keep arguing maybe that's just a very huge sign that you weren't very compatible to begin with. Freaking out would serve no purpose, because it would only give him a bigger reason to think that you're crazy. You need to stay calm and think about things in a rational way - which can be very difficult I understand, because our feelings don't always have our best interests at heart. But you need to be strong and push them aside and think 'Do I really want to spend the rest of my life this way?' - and then act on your answer. Unfortunately you cannot force somebody to think or feel about things the same way you do. If you are unwilling to accept that sometimes it's okay to disagree with each other, then maybe getting a divorce would be your best option. Life is too short to be this unhappy all the time. You need to start taking better care of yourself, even if that means letting him go. Good luck. :-)
2016-03-28 22:34:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. You know in your heart that this probably isn't going to work out. You're going through a grieving process right now. That's why you want him gone and then want him back. Also if you can get him to come back that means that what he said isn't so and you're as good as the other woman. It's a blow to your self-esteem that he said and did those things. Soon you will come to realize that she isn't fit to carry your shoelaces and you are ten times the person she is. You could get through this if you went for counselling and he was committed to it and not obligated. I think you should go to a cousellor on your own to help you get through this and sort out your feelings. I wish you all the best.
2007-01-23 01:37:18 · answer #7 · answered by mjm52 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what he is saying is he feels obligated, think counseling is needed, but truthfully if someone didn't find me attractive, and doesn't come over that much, maybe he is busy with her. he doesn't want to part with the money u want either. of course it is going to hurt when the love of our life has betrayed us and no longer finds us attractive. he meant what he said, and knows in his heart he hasn't done all he could do. he just doesn't want to be with u anymore, and he is torn between her and u. personally once i found out he did not find me attractive anymore i would not be able to stay in the marriage. he will tell u it's over with her, because that's what u need to hear. wouldn't trust him at all now.
2007-01-23 01:33:24 · answer #8 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I am sorry for your hurt and betrayal. I don't feel you can get past this without counseling. You both need a lot of it. But, if he wont go..go for yourself. I feel he violated many levels of trust here. First the affair, then continuing the affair, than saying those things about you. This says a lot about his character. You may be better off without him..but if you both want to work on it..you need counseling. He needs to regain your trust in EVERY WAY and he wants to want to change. You deserve more and better than how you are being treated. DO NOT compromise yourself here. You need and deserve better. If he loves you and really wants to work it out..he will do it with 100% effort. If he half asses it, he is just waiting for you to get over it , so he can go on with his behavior. Please go to counseling and help yourself. Good luck.
2007-01-23 01:30:48 · answer #9 · answered by wartytoadjody39 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are not going to be able to get through this without counseling and maybe not even with counseling. I am sorry, but it sounds like you need to leave him. HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!! He is with another woman.....cut your losses. There is someone out there that will treat you right, love you, and be devoted to you. Stop wasting your time in a dead end marriage.
Good Luck!
2007-01-23 01:24:33 · answer #10 · answered by CPA2B 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋