My wife and I married about a year ago. Blending families has been tough especially when we have her daughter full time and my 2 kids only a few days a week. I love my wife and would like to have another child with her. However I’m on the hook with child support and we get none in from her daughter’s father (her decision to not complicate things). She has a good job and makes a decent living. My job is decent and it’s a little shaky right now. I’m stuck in not the best area for jobs but have to stay in the area because of my kids and the life I built with my wife so if I lose my job, prospects in this area for me are kind of slim for what I do (Meaning I probably will rely on my wife more if she wants to maintain our standard of living. I could leave the area and make more money but decided to stay for the kids and build a life with my wife). My wife is really pushing for another kid and I’m flattered and would like to have one with her but I’m worried about me being on the hook financially to my ex. and not getting any from her daughter’s father. It doesn’t seem to bother her. She seems to think we’ll be fine and really wants a kid with me. I’m one of those people where all my ducks have to be in a row before I plan something major like that but because I’m divorced I’m thinking maybe they never will be again. I’m a little afraid to have another child (even though I would like to) and trying to figure out if my financial fears from my ex. is causing me to not build a life with the woman I really love. Am I being too cautious?
2007-01-23 00:51:07 · 7 answers · asked by golf4everdude 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
YES... I mean it's nice that you are weighing out your pros and cons, but goodness gracious you are going over the top with worrying. You love her and she loves you, you will not ever be financially ready for another child. You just have to let it happen. It will work out, your wife is right.
2007-01-23 00:55:50 · answer #1 · answered by In love with Life 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think too cautious is how I would put it. You are thinking straight on when it comes to money. Why don't you sit down with her and tell her that you would rather wait until your job situation strengthens. You new wife is thinking with her heart on this issue though, so you have to be delicate yet firm. Give her a timeline, like say if my job has improved in 6 months then we will try. Let her know that you do want to have a baby with her, but the timing is just not right at the moment and tell her why you feel that way. Communication is the most essential part of marriage and hopefully while she may not like what you have to say she will respect you for being so upfront and honest with her.
As for the money situation goes that you are worried about, sit down with all income and fixed expenses, ie mortgage/rent, utilities, gas for vehicles, etc. take only her income and start deducting. This way if you are getting down to the red or too close for comfort area, you can take that to her and show her. also if you do lose your job, can't you petition the court for reduced child support? Isn't the amount of child support based on income?
2007-01-23 09:20:24 · answer #2 · answered by ♥ Sparks♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you're not being too cautious. I wish more people would give as much thought to having children as you have. You're trying to be logical and responsible.
You raise a number of good concerns; it's not that you don't want another child, but are being realistic about your financial situation and quality of life for the entire family. I don't think your financial fears come from your past with your ex; I think if this were your first marriage and your job situation were the same, you'd have the same concerns.
Whether or not you decide to have a child, you should do what you can to strengthen your job status. You'll need to do that no matter what the future brings. Secondly, sit down with your wife and write out a pros and cons list about having another child. Be candid with her about your concerns. Frankly, her ex should contribute to the welfare of her daughter. Ask your wife if she's willing to take a hit on your present lifestyle; ask her to consider how you would manage if for some reason you were unable to rely on her income (illness, job loss, maternity leave, whatever).
Finally, reassure her that it's not about you not wanting a child with her, it's more about thinking responsibly about what's best for the entire family and how this decision would impact everyone.
2007-01-23 09:05:37 · answer #3 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you have only been married a year. You are still growing as a married couple. Jsut be honest with you rwife. Let her know that you are not ready to have a chidl with her. Be sure to tell her that you are not completely ruling out the possiblity just that you don't feel right is the appropriate time. It won't do you r fmaily or your marriage any good to have another child just because you think it will make your wife happy. You both have to agree that you are ready to make that step.
Good Luck!
2007-01-23 08:58:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
GOOD FOR YOU for at least taking the time to think about this before actually doing it. you realise that you two don't make a lot of money and that having another child will put you guys almost in the poor house. if she wants to have a child and you don't then it will be up to YOU to protect your sperm (in case she tries to oops you...don't put it past her...if she wants a baby desperately then she will find a way to oops you). you provide you own protection. there is no compromise in the decision to have children. you either do or you don't. there are no maybes and there is no return policy. if you don't feel comfortable with it then DON'T DO IT. cause the child will be the one to suffer the most. don't give in to your wife just because she thinks everthing will be alright. children are expensive. from birth up to past 18 years. don't do it if you are not ready and don't do it if you are not sure.
2007-01-23 10:32:22 · answer #5 · answered by cfalways 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The short answer is, yes you are being too cautious. There will always be a reason to not have kids if you are looking for them.
Most of the time you just have to trust that you will manage somehow. Nobody is able to predict what may or may not happen as far as financial security.
2007-01-23 09:13:51 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just my opinion, but my impression is that you are a little PO'd that you have to pay child support and her ex does not.
Every married couple, no matter how many kids they have from previous relationships, deserve to have children together.
Don't worry about the financial aspect. Just take it day by day if/when if happens.
2007-01-23 08:58:43 · answer #7 · answered by Michelle *The Truth Hurts 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋