forgiving your wife for cheating?

Question

if you really love your wife and she is sorry for cheating how can you forgive her she told me everything even down to the very small size of his you know what which makes me feel good cause im not that big myself how do i get rid of the visions of her with him she said it was a huge mistake she thought i did not love her anymore we just got lost in our relationship how do i find it in my heart to forgive im having a real hard time with this i want it to work for me and my kids but im afraid i will always harbor these feelings of sadness
can anyone help me

Answer 1

Kids complicate the issue, I know.. I'm in the same boat.

I am going to be frank, if there were no kids, I would suggest NOT forgiving her, however, this is not the case this time.

There are several pros and cons for forgiveness, the cons are
(get ready for some tough love)

because it will always be in the back of your mind,
she will ALWAYS say yours was bigger than his regardless of actual size (sorry... remember tough love, trying to help, I wont sugar coat it)
what ended it in the first place?
is she still seeing him?
if you forgive and forget, what will happen the next time you see the guy in the street?
and in the end what would stop her doing it again?

The pros,
you have a family together, its hard, work through it, your kids need their parents to show a united front and love and support otherwise they'll try and find it elsewhere (school, gangs, lovers, etc)
You obviously love her, (trust me man, I know how this feels)
Your sadness will pass, if you make the effort, sadness for you = guilt for her, and that will only drive her away again.
and you don't want that otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question... you'd already know.

Want a friendly tip?... give her something that reminds her of how good she has it with you... do something special for her. Make the first step towards healing what went wrong. Make her realize that you're not mad and we can all move on now..

Be the bigger and better man in the equation..

Trust me bra, it worked for me.


Keep it together

Good luck with it.

Answer 2

Actually sometimes cheating is a blessing in disguise. It alerts you to the fact that there are serious communication problems in the relationship. The one who cheats usually harbors a lot of guilt about the act of cheating, so giving your wife a really hard time will just make her close down eventually and give up. The person cheated on is usually bewildered, shocked, angry etc. So you both have feelings that need to be discussed in an open, compassionate manner. I think if you are able to accept that a distance occurred in the relationship, and you became like the proverbial "ships that passed in the night" then you have a chance because you are both admitting that each contributed to the distance. Look, the only reason anyone cheats is because of how the other person makes them feel...they really want the magic they felt with their husband or wife initially.

This is a chance to reinvent your relationship...but get assistance in the process with a couple therapist. Why not? Infuse new life into the marriage by doing creative things. It is about giving and receiving on both your parts. Focus on the love, and with that will come forgiveness. You have to want it to work for you and your wife, NOT your children. No one should stay in a marriage for the children....they would sense your loneliness and despair. Only stay because you love your wife still and want to give it a go...but you must participate fully and forgiveness must be there for this to work...good luck!

Answer 3

Been there.
The damage is done the hurt inflicted so you might as well go with it for a while. Give her that ONE second chance.
I will tell you that the time for the " love games" is well past. It is now time for you to define your marriage in terms to your advantage. She did not think you loved her so she went elsewhere? Do not accept her mind wandering like that again. If you feel any of that going on let her have it. She has given up the right to your unconditional love so do not give it to her. Make sure there is serious remorse and she kisses your butt for a long time.
The pain will go away but it will take a while. Take charge of your marriage and set new rules that work for you. She already went her way without proper direction it is now your turn to set the agenda.
You will always remember this. If you do not put some limits on her your sadness can turn to contempt. That will not work. Take charge now.

Answer 4

Been there...bought the T-shirt. By the way...punctuation dude! Hard to read!

Anyhow, If it's happened once, it can happen again. I was tormented for years about the details..her giving herself to someone, when it was mine...and it was btw. That's what marriage is all about. Giving yourself totally to someone else. I stayed for the sake of the kids, and because I couldn't bear the thought of another man raising my kids. It's been 17 years since the "1st incident", and there were 2 more after that. I'm preparing to leave now (next month). She may be a decent mom, but she broke the trust and did on other occassions later. It was pure selfishness on her part...pushed me away just far enough to find justification to play out of the boundaries.

You'll have to figure out just what you are willing to accept, and if the trust can be repaired. (And if it's worth it) The work and pain are enormous. It's much easier to move on and start over. Yep, there's pain there and loneliness too, but it beats being used and abused.

Answer 5

The answer lies in your first 2 statements. You love her and she is sorry. She trusted you enough to tell you everything. Recapture your relationship by making sure she never feels that you don't love her. Let her know all the time how much you love her and after time you should be able to forgive her. Also keep her happy in the love making part so she'll never want to stray.

Answer 6

Choose to forgive her. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. If we had to feel like forgiving, no one would. Since we have all been given the freedom of choice in life we have to take that option. Every day say to yourself: "Today I choose to forgive......so that I too may be forgiven by God." It makes sense to take that option because when you begin to believe what you say, forgiveness actually happens. I did it after my husband cheated and ran off with his floozy and he returned with his tail between his legs because she rejected him for someone else. It happens that way. people think the grass is greener on the other side and the perfect partner is out there, but sadly no such person exists on earth. We have to learn to love unconditionally and respect unconditionally and that means warts and all.

When women stray its because they think their husbands dont love them. Ephesians 5:33 says" God commands men to LOVE their wives and commands women to RESPECT their husbands. When neither of these things exist in a relationship the marriage goes into a crazy cycle and everything that can go wrong goes wrong. When one decides to do his or her part slowly the crazy cycle receded and things begin to change for the better. Each partner begins to prefer the other and things go according to Gods plan.

Its ironic that the bible gives us clear and simple truths to follow, but of course the world out there knows better and tries to twist and turn things around to take the good away and call it history when its not anything other than absolute truth and sensibility and accountability towards oneself and others. More still its all about love, because God IS love. Perfect love casts out all fear. People fear things that are not real but happen because they spoke them into being.

You can choose whatever you like, but I choose sense, wisdom and underestanding going so far as even to ask for the gift of discernment.

Its all about asking and receiving, too. YOU HAVE NOT BECAUSE YOU ASK NOT. So ask.

Read the book LOVE AND RESPECT by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This will help you with everything. MAy you attain what God has purposed for your life., read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Also excellent and helpful. God bless you!

Answer 7

Ask yourself with the tables turned. If your wife was loyal and loving and you cheated, should she forgive you? Works both ways.

Answer 8

oh god.. u r in a tight spot. well buddy if u love her truly and vice versa , u have to forgive her. Move on. s u will be haunted by those images for some time, but by having good time and fun with her - u will be able to come out of those dark images. u have to have lot of patience, and good determination to pull her back in to those good old times and enjoy being a family.

don't keep anything in the mind, flush out all ur emotions and images from ur mind by talking to her. never allow anything to get accumulate in the mind.

re discover, rejuvinate.

good luck.

Answer 9

My husband and I were in almost exactly the same boat...I cheated on him for exactly the same reasons; I thought he did not love me. And he thought because I cheated on him that I did not love him. What a mess!

I can tell you that divorcing did not resolve the painful feelings for either of us. What you need is Counseling and Time.

Best of luck to you...

P.S. We are friends now, but we could have salvaged our marriage if we had been willing to talk it out with someone wiser than us, and not so emotionally invested in "who's to blame"...

Answer 10

Fisrt let me say.. you have a bigger heart then i do. I have no sympathy for cheaters.

If you really love her, and she is deadly serious about making things right, then i think the only road for you to take is couples therapy. At least there you guys can get to the root of the problem together and she wont have to resort to cheating if shes feeling unloved.