I have been with my husband for about 20 years. He is a good man. But the last couple of years he has turned into a work a holic. And forgets birthdays and anniversaries. I have told him that it really hurts me when he can not even remember to give me a card. This last Christmas he asked me what I wanted, I gave him 3 ideas. When we had Christmas with our kids and grandkids on Christmas eve, I felt really hurt he didn't even buy me a card let alone a gift. I always go out of my way to make every holiday special for the family, and I throw him a birthday party every year, He has never thrown me one even though I have hinted at it several times. I know it migh sound petty, But I still feel very hurt inside that he did not buy me a Christmas gift, He said that he never knows what to buy and if I will like it. But I told him 3 things that I really wanted. What should I do? I just can not seem to let go of being angry with him. I need advice please!
2007-01-22 18:45:35 · 16 answers · asked by sindy_lu_who2 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to set down and have a serious talk with him. If you keep letting it go. It is just going to turn into a bigger resentment on your part. I would feel pretty hurt to if my husband did not get me a gift for Christmas, especially since you did tell him what you would like to get. It sounds like he is very tied up in his work. And is forgetting to put some effort into your marriage. It is good that he provides for you well. But you also have emotional need that he needs to take care of. Maybe he does not even realize how much you are hurting. Try setting a special time when you know he is going to be free to set down and have an open discussion with him. Just tell him exactly what you wrote here, and see how he responds.
I also suggest that you might go out and buy your self 1 or all 3 of the gifts that you told him you wanted. And show them to him, and tell him, "Look what you bought me for Christmas".
You never know he might just catch on to how you feel, and make him feel a little low about him self for not thinking about you and your feelings.
Hope this helps
Kali :-)
2007-01-22 18:55:07 · answer #1 · answered by Kali_girl825 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My God that is right on the head with my man, we have been together 8 years and at first it was all good gifts flower and all that , you know! Then i move in and everything changed all he talks about is money and we live good but he works works works and then there is hunting he has to pay hundrends of dollers to go hunting and buy new gear but where is my gifts. NOTHING! I had to buy all XMAS with my hard working money and he didn't even buy me anything after buying him a few hundrend dollers of thing, he bought nothing for my grandkids are Xmas tree for the past 5 years has been a tree we have growning in the house, oh he did buy me a singing machine about 3 years ago but when i was going to leave him he took it back and said it was suppose to be for the famly that i couldnt have it. Thats sad! I think im over the hurt, now i just get back at him yelling does not help so i go shop and shop and shop and i go out to eat with other people and i leave him at home wondering what im doing for so long and if he ask i tell him if you would of took me somewheres you would know. And for my birthday since ive never had a party either. I will make my own and invite everyone and not even tell him and if he is home i hope he has a good time cause i will with out him pay back is a B, and no i won't remember his birthday this year or good ol Feb 14th. Good luck cause im right with you. But reading your problem only made me want to go over and smack my man, but men are men and i will do as i said i will do! And i felt that hurt to. GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN FOR A CHANGE!
2007-01-23 03:12:30 · answer #2 · answered by Tina S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well hon, I have a feeling he is one of those guys who just can't live up to what a woman wants or needs. He is getting worse with age.
As I see it, you have two choices. Be made for the next 25 years or learn to live with it. Obviously the man doesn't GET IT.
Thus I suggest.....right before Christmas or any other time you should be getting a gift. Go out to dinner with him and tell him that after dinner you both are going shopping for YOUR Christmas Gift. Make sure it gets wrapped at the store.
This man is from mars or is it venus. He just doesn't have it in him to understand gift giving or cards. You are a woman who is highly tunned in to what a holiday and what gift giving should be like.
In your marriage he is the left side of the brain and you are the right side of the brain. Some guys have a bit of right brain, but then they aren't your husband.
Let it go or die unhappy. You can't get blood from a stone and you can't get a gift from a guy who doesn't get it.
Perhaps he is exhausted or depressed. If so, talk to his doctor about it. If there has been a big change in him he needs to see a doctor.
2007-01-23 02:54:23 · answer #3 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe go shopping with him and buy something for yourself from him. That way, he has bought you your gift!! But seriously, I think you are looking for more, right? My advice is that this may be a phase that he is going thru..mid-life crisis...rumours of retrenchment at the office...or maybe even an affair!!! You need to give him some space and yet communicate to him that you are there. (by that I mean listening and keeping quiet sometimes and not talking to him!!) Never breathe down his neck or nag cos' that will chase him away even more. Some men just wanna have some space - give it to him....on a long leash and gently pull him back when he is getting 'lost' but pull too hard and you break the string!! And there is power in prayer, woman!!
2007-01-23 02:55:25 · answer #4 · answered by goofy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may sound totally useless advice but ask him this very simple question:
"Do you feel respected by me?"
and if he says "no". Visit this website. Your husband seems incredibly disconnected from your relationship. Men most often withdrawl and plug into another source if they feel disrespected at home. That includes nagging, not esteeming him professionally, not encouraging him, not validating him sexually, etc. The first year of my marriage my husband was showing the exact same symptoms as yours. He was working overtime, seemed to forget things that were important to me, never wanted to be around me, and seemed withdrawn and depressed. Nothing I did got through to him. If anything, it pushed him further away. Until one night I heard this message of "love and respect" on the radio and it literally TRANSFORMED our marriage. My husband couldn't put a voice or vocabulary to what he was feeling. But when I asked him "do you feel respected by me?" I was devastated to learn that all of his behaviours and distance was a direct result for him feeling that I did not truly and deeply respect him wih my actions. Just ask him. And encourage him to be honest. And make the changes and see a powerful difference in your marriage. Dr. Emmerson Eggerich also has a book entitled, "Love and Respect" and I truly encourage you to read it. It's what every couple needs to hear - good marriage, or bad!
Good luck!
2007-01-23 03:09:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
after 20 years I guess you know this man so stop hurting yourself by asking or expecting things from him that you must know he cannot or will not do. Perhaps send yourself flowers or gifts whether you tell him or not is for you to judge after all this time I suspect he is too busy working to even think about any problems. So spoil yourself and cheer up at least he is a good provider. Try and remember the good things that he is and after all this time don't ask for the impossible and don't dwell on it !!!!!
2007-01-23 03:04:33 · answer #6 · answered by njss 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is an escape. During the last days of my marriage I worked 75-80 hours a week just because I couldn't deal with the silence. You have to find out why he is doing this, has something changed alot in the last couple of years kids gone? Maybe you all just have to find each other as man and women instead of mom and dad or nanny and paw paw.
2007-01-23 02:55:18 · answer #7 · answered by 33kasper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Show him the way by being forgetful on one of the ocassions when he expects u to remember to do something for him. Otherwise 20 years is a long period to get used to forgetful character of ur spouse. Why get hurt?
2007-01-23 03:59:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should stop going out of your way for him, especially on his birthdays. would he notice if you didn't have a party for him this year? would it make him think about it? would it bother him? would he say something to you about it? would he be disappointed? how about also forgetting valentines day,x-mass,etc....?? would that make him think? You have a right to feel sad, its not the gift per say but its more of the thought behind the gift. when somebody gives you something from the heart & its "perfect" or "what you wanted" it shows that , indeed that person was not only listening to you but that they also went out of their way to make sure that you would be happy. when our spouses become to envolved in themselves then my choices would be counseling or that its time to leave.
2007-01-23 03:08:47 · answer #9 · answered by ivybenne 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
let's just face it,the only thing a man remembers is the schedule of NBA games.if you always get hurt whenever your hubby forget occasions,then justl lay down your cards.men aren't mind readers.tell him what you feel.if you have occasions,tell him what you really want exactly.
also,make a little surprise for him:a nicedinner,a nice tie,something he would adore, so that it'll remind him to do the saME thing for you next time..
2007-01-23 03:04:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋