My stepdaughter?

Question

My stepdaughter, "Lois," is 30 years old and has one young child. They have recently begun to visit us every Sunday. Each visit begins about 2 p.m., runs through dinner and ends well after 8 p.m. These are not visits by invitation.
Lois doesn't offer to help with cleanup or setup, nor does she bring a dish. In my family, we contribute. Sometimes a family member may ask us to help clear the table or put food away. Would it be considered improper etiquette to ask Lois to prepare a dessert for the next visit or help with the dishes? My husband thinks it is rude to ask this of anyone, no matter how many times they visit. I think a guest runs out of free meals after a while.
I don't mind the visits, but I'd appreciate a little help. Recently, Lois yelled, "See you next Sunday," as she left. What's your opinion? -- Help Wanted

Answer 1

Heck, yeah. Just ask her in some friendly fashion, like, "I'll bet you're a great cook. Got a favorite dish/desert/salad? Bring it next time and bring me the recipe!"

When you're cleaning up, get grandpa to watch the kid, hand your step daughter the towel and say, "Could you give me a hand with this please?" Start up a conversation about something fun, interesting, or that involves one of her interests, and she won't even know that she's helping out. (I do this with my adult daughters all the time. It works great. You have to understand that when adult children come home, they have certain programmed ideas about "visiting". You need to introduce the idea that they're part of the party and can contribute like everyone else.)

Part of your problem is that your judging your stepdaughter's behavior rather than accepting it and including her. Get past your prejudice and whatever bias you have regarding her and move toward a sincere and mature relationship with her.

Friends help friends out. Make her a friend.

Answer 2

Here's what you can do. You and your husband should go out for dinner this Sunday. Leave before Lois shows up. It might be a little early so make a day of it. See a movie and then go to dinner. Don't tell her. The woman is 30 years old. She shouldn't have to be asked to bring something. She knows very well that food costs money and that after a meal, cleanup has to be done. Anyone with manners would help out or bring something. She knows exactly what she's doing and she knows no one will tell her not to come to dinner. Start not being home around this time and she'll get the message. If you're not comfortable ditching her, I would suggest just flat out telling her. She's not worried if you're offended or put out by coming to dinner uninvited so don't feel like you're going to hurt her feelings. She's being very rude and she knows what she's doing.

Answer 3

You didn't mention whether or not she is a single mom and/or whether she has financial difficulties. Both of those things could play a part in this situation and how you might handle it.

You also didn't mention if there are more kids...yours or his. That, too, would affect this situation and how it is handled.

So, depending on the particulars...it just might be that she wants to build a different relationship between the two of you. It wouldn't be rude of you to say "Lois, come in and chat with me while we clean the kitchen together", or "do you have a specialty dessert that you would like to bring next week?" How about inviting her before she invites herself, by saying "hey, Lois, why don't you come early next week and help me prepare the roast?"

And, if you don't want her every week...you can always say, "Lois, we're busy for the next couple of weekends, but would you like to come to dinner on (choose date)? We'll make steak and you can bring the salad".

My opinion is that she is part of your family and that generally people who love each other feel secure enough in their friendship, to communicate effectively. You are not wrong in how you feel, just in how you're responding. It isn't rude to ask your children to help (step or half or adopted or inherited - doesn't matter) your kids are your kids, and as such are not necessarily treated like guests. Put her to work step-mama...it will do you both some good!

Answer 4

no it is not asking a lot to expect some help and I would just get up from the table at the next dinner and say Lois would you mind helping me with the dishes tonight . Say something like you are feeling a little tired and could use the help and then if she invites herself the next week call her in the middle of the week and say do you think you could make a desert for dinner this week tell her you running out of ideas or something maybe she will get the hint to pitch in or get the hint she is uninvited and stop popping in uninvited.

Answer 5

It is rude of her. Just call her before the next dinner and ask her to bring a pie or something. Then when dinner is over politely ask her to help with the dishes. ( I've had the same problem with a neighbor). She might not come over as often or not at all if you ask. She might even think that you are rude to ask her such a thing. But it has to stop somewhere. Don't you think? She might even feel more like family if you ask for her help. Maybe.....

Answer 6

No that's rude, don't put up with that. Doesn't your step daughter have manners. When ever my step mother cooked dinner ect.. I always did the dishes after no questions asked because my step mother cooked dinner everynight so it only right of me to help.
Next time your step daughter comes over, I would ask her if she minded helping you clear up the dishes at the end of the meal.
And if your husband has any respect for you he should've mentioned something by now to his daughter!
If she still doesn't lift a hand to help you, then tell your hubby that next sunday you are not cooking nor are you doing the dishes, tell him he can!
Good luck

Answer 7

I think it's proper etiquette to ask her to bring a desert, and ask her to help with the clean up. I think it becomes freeloading if she look forward to dinner every Sunday and never offer to bring a dish nor clean up. If your husband thinks it's rude for you to ask, then he should help with the clean up in her space. You should tell him this... Since it's rude to ask such a small thing from her, then you are to help with each clean up that she doesn't take part in. Tell him that it's rude to have you to prepare all of the meals and also clean up behind everyone.

Answer 8

cathy - you really shouldn't be asking two different questions so closely together, since users can tell you asked both of them. Here you have a 30y.o. stepdaughter and a husband. yet in a question you also asked this afternoon, you're a single mom with a boyfriend michael who's not committing to marriage.

Answer 9

Hey! I think it is far ruder of your husband to think you are running a resturant! Enough! Put your foot down & insist she a)bring a dish and b) help clean up AND your husband,too! You can't be surprised if they use you as a doormat if you let them! Furthermore, you could plan another activity & not even be home!

Answer 10

it is rude.. let her spend time with her dad... and try to enjoy yourself without worrying about all the work... order takeout...use paper plates... there is always a way to solve these things but think of it as a nice family gathering... she could not come around at all then how would he feel?? a child is never a "guest" in there parents home...do you have children??