When I met my wife I knew she had 1 lover before me. She never talked about it and still doesn't. But I learned from her sister that he told her he loved her just to get her to sleep with him because she was a virgin. We have been married for 2 years now and the other night she looks at me and says, "I wish I was a virgin when I met you, that I would have saved myself for you."
Now I can't get this off my mind. Before now I was indifferent about the matter, now I'm not sure if I'm mad over someone taking advantage of her, or upset that she feels burdened over something like this?
I love her more than anything in this world. This hasnt changed our relationship in any way but I cannot bring myself to talk with her about it.
2007-01-22 17:02:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You sound intelligent...why are you being so dumb about this? Get past it.....sounds like you both love one another.....you don't need to talk about it, there nothing you can do to undo it.....let's go on from here...............
2007-01-22 17:09:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
What a wonderful compliment she paid you! She is trying to express how very special she thinks you are and how much she loves you.
The best thing is that you get to choose how you want to react to this. So far you've only given yourself 2 choices, mad and upset.
Consider feeling humbled because she chooses you now, or thankful that she didn't contract some kind of disease, or spectacular because everything you two have together is enhanced by the recognition of what might have been.
Don't waste time or emotions on the past, just make your future wonderful.
Let her know that you believe in secondary virginity. That means that she chose to remain chaste after her prior experience, until she met and married you. It also means that she is faithful to you and your marriage. Also let her know that you are thrilled with her just the way she is.
You can do all of those things without having a 'talk' and that might just be the best part of what your relationship has. Understanding through unconditional love. (wow, I'm jealous!)
2007-01-23 01:23:14 · answer #2 · answered by minimickimichelle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, this is tough one, but you'll get over it. The comment she made was an effort to tell you how much she loves and honors you and how she feels somewhat unworthy of your love. Which, of course, is nice, but it plunged a large stake through your ego and it's stuck there like a big piece of steak in your throat, right?
Well, cough it up, big guy. You've got a tremendous wife and if you let this thing eat at you, it will tear down your feelings for her eventually. You can't let that happen.
Drop your pride and let her know that you found her comment sweet and loving and well-intended, but that for some reason, it wounded you. Talk it out with her. Maybe she has some insight that you don't have. But, be careful not to imply or give her any reason to think that she is somehow "used". Let her know that all of that is in the past and that it is not about her, it's about your stupid male ego. Let her know how idiotic the whole concept of virginity really is. It is way overplayed in our society and it's time we did away with the stigma attached to not being a virgin. Very silly stuff that leads to unnecessary hurt, pain, and self-judgement.
It'll pass. Same thing happened to me. Took about six months to get over it. My wife was very understanding and helpful. But, there were some tense moments because I didn't handle it very well.
You'll do fine. This is just a little hiccup on the road of married life. Hang in there.
2007-01-23 02:05:25 · answer #3 · answered by SafetyDancer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let it go, it happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter since you love her, just tell her what you said here now :" I love her more than anything in this world. This hasnt changed our relationship in any way but I cannot bring myself to talk with her about it."
2007-01-23 01:18:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell what you just said! That you love her more than anything in the world and you consider her a gift no matter what and that you feel upset that she was taken advantage of and that she feels burdened by this. Reassure her, tell her that their is nothing to be burdened about and that you feel lucky to have her!
2007-01-23 01:08:59 · answer #5 · answered by flappymcp 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Give her a special, romantic night with candles and wine in a fancy hotel or something. I bet he never did anything like that for her.
It's sad but nobody really saves themselves for marriage anymore. Everyone feels the same way. It's not your wife's or your fault.. It's society..
Do something special for her involving sex that nobody has done for her yet. It will be something the 2 of you can remember and share.
2007-01-23 01:16:35 · answer #6 · answered by •√¡rgő• 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, come off it. No one sleeps with someone just because of the 'I love you'. She was just as interested in having sex unless she's some sort of mindless prude. She's probably saying that because she thinks that's what you want to hear or she was silly enough to get herself emotionally attached to that other guy and regrets it because she's thinking about him while having sex with you.
Why do you have to talk to her about it? If you feel like you have to talk to her about it, just spit it out, but honestly, I don't see how it could possibly matter.
What exactly is your question anyways?
2007-01-23 01:12:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she just mentioned it in passing or maybe she thinks it is something that you think about. Either way, communicating with her is the best way to put a bad experience behind her and focus on the good relationship she has with you.
2007-01-23 01:24:53 · answer #8 · answered by sweetcaroline1679 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason why she probably didnt tell you is because she doesnt want to bring the bad memories back...when she is ready..or when she is ready to speak openly about it..she will..till then...you shouldnt say anything...and her sister told you..not her...she might be upset that you went "investigating" about her past sex life.
If she talks to you about it..be supportive..if she doesnt..dont push it. No one likes to talk about old wounds.
2007-01-23 01:10:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to let it go. No matter what she did before you, this women obviously adores you and can't even think of being with anyone else. consider yourself a lucky guy and go hold her right now!
2007-01-23 01:11:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be supportive of her. It shows that she regrets her decision. But just give her lots and lots of love. She loves you and it shows. I suggest you talk with her about it. Because otherwise if you don't it's going to eat you up.
2007-01-23 01:10:50 · answer #11 · answered by Bryan M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋