PLEASE......what would you do if your daughter dropped this bomb shell in your lap?

Question

I live in north central NC and have a problem. I have a 17 yr old daughter, who works at a local fast food chain. She told me 2 weeks ago she is having an affair with a 36 married man, who has 3 kids..15, 11, 6. He has been married 2xs. Still with his wife. Here is the kicker..he "was" her boss. When I contacted the regional manager, he transfered this man to another store here in the same town. She is of age for legal consent for sex. We have no idea what to do. She IS going to get her heart broken by this man, he is just using her for sex. But she thinks he really loves her. Now her whole school knows. She has went to church her whole life btw! We have made her quit job, took cell phone + she isnt allowed anywhere excecpt school. He has bragged to everyone at work how she is a booty call. He tells her all the time he is leaving his wife next week but next week never comes. She just wont listen to anything we say. HELP!!!! PLEASE!!!

Update for some of the people who have been so kind to answer. The mans wife KNOWS about the affair. But wont kick him out. So confronting her wont change much. I have sat down with my daughter and talked to her, and told her that the people who will be hurt the most by all this is the his children. My daughter is kind of nieve..to say the least. She had plans to go to college this fall, and has decided to stay and go to community college.

Answer 1

Ever heard of letting her learn the hard way? Tell his wife and let things go from there. Don't hide her away, let her live the consequences of her actions.

Answer 2

Ok, first relax, this is not a life threatening situation. Second, how is he still able to tell her that he is leaving his wife when you have her cell and she only goes to school. Next check on that legal age thing. It may be that the age of consent in your state is 16, but there is often the rider that if one of the consenting parties is under 18 then they BOTH must be under 18 or it is STATUTORY RAPE. So, check that, stop the communication if there is still any. Let his wife know (hey the school knows and if he's telling colleagues then he knows she'll find out anyway) and then let it be. You've done your job stopping it at your end, and at his end (with the wife knowing) and you've told her what you feel. She is almost an adult and will be free to make her own mistakes pretty soon. It will be painful for her and you but sometimes that is the only way they will learn. And don't be too sure he wont leave his wife as he has left one before. But you are right, her heart will be broken, but she will live through it and be a better person for it.

Answer 3

If she's at the legal age for consent in your state, I don't see what you could possibly do. She is 17 and so she's a minor and still subject to your rules but I don't see how you can stop her from doing this. And the more you try to stop her, the more likely she will be to do more of it. 17 is the age when kids show their parents their independence.

Your daughter is making some very bad choices but most kids around this age make bad choices. I know you must care a great deal about her and you must feel helpless in this situation. I think she's rebelling against everything that it important to you. She's trying to shock you and show you that she can do as she pleases.

Bottom line, I don't think there is much you can really do and I'm not sure how much effort I would put into trying to force a 17 year old to do much of anything.

You could throw her out of your house. But that would bring more pain to you, I fear. It seems to me she is making adult decisions and so she should go the rest of the way being an adult and make her way in the world. She should get a job and an apartment and move out and pay her own way. If she doesn't like your rules, she doesn't have to live with you. But if you pull that trump card, you have to follow through on it. So don't threaten that if you're not prepared to actually do it.

I would think long and hard about what it is that you want and what you can realistically expect. It is only after thoughtful consideration along these lines that you will come to a good understanding of what to do.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Easy one - follow her to a rendezvous - wait two minutes - walk in and shoot him in the head!! Claim temporary insanity because you happened to be driving by and saw her go into the apartment or hotel or whatever. Problem resolved!! She sees how screwed up his wife's life is now, you get off scot free - and he's dead!!

Or you could take her to the guy's wife and have a sit down with her and the kids - she sees he is not going to leave his family and what a jerk he is being. The wife and kids find out the truth - the guy gets burned for 15 years of alimony and child support - you sue the restaurant and move the family to a new state to start all over!! Also too easy and more legal.

Final plan, take her to the church and have a sit down with the pastor and all concerned parties. If she still has any moral values at all she will feel remorse and might actually grow spiritually from the experience. Or she will throw it right back in your face and walk away!! If she does that go back to plan 1 or cut her off from the family - it's called tough love and it sounds like she needs it. Don't coddle her!! If she believes in God she knows that adultery is wrong and it is a sin she needs to turn from (it doesnt matter which one is married they are both guilty.

Answer 5

I raised a daughter who is now 28. She turned out fine. I am sorry to tell you, that the more you put restrictions on her against someone she wants to have sex with, you are the ones she will flee from and will be reinforced in her efforts to get with that scum-bag. You say there is nothing you can do legally. And she is 17. If she lives in your house, she should go by the rules in my opinion. But, my advise is to give her love and let her know that you are highly disappointed. Your love will make her think of your disappointment. Your imposed bars around her will tend to make her want to break out. So, if she doesn't want to follow your rules, maybe she should be aware that if she thinks she's old enough to screw with a married man, maybe she's old enough to have that job support her in her own place.... and to give you a call collect if need be, even whenever she wants to talk to you about anything. And please, if you know she is having sex with this idiot, make sure she knows that you are concerned about protection for her.

And as to what everyone else thinks. I'm not a big believer in who knows what. Who cares? What matters is that your daughter knows you love her, but must deal with the consequences of her choices. She'll learn the hard way, hopefully without any diseases or unplanned babies. You said she told you about the creep. That's a good thing. You want her to trust you to keep communications open. And that is where you voice your wisdom. She'll listen, but not behind bars. Gosh, what an age for a girl now a days.

Answer 6

I've read your question and many of the answers. You've got a dilemma with her being over the age of consent.

Also, I had absolutely no idea why you think that because "she has went (sic) to church her whole life btw!" this couldn't/shouldent happen. Church has nothing to do with it.

That being said, have you contacted a lawyer and approached this from the standpoint of sexual harrassment being permitted by the corporation for whom she worked when this started? I find it almost incredulous in this day and age that the regional manager merely transferred the guy to another store. I'm sure the corporation would feel quite a bit different, and who knows, you might just end up with enough to pay for her university education not a local college.

Good luck, and peace out...

Answer 7

She's 17 - she knows everything. You're her mom - you know nothing! That is what is in her mind. If you tie her down, you will loose her. She sees you wanting to destroy her happiness.And I'm sure you can't talk to each other without an argument. Contact his wife anonymously. Send his wife photo's of them together. Let his wife be the one to stop her husband's actions. Take pictures of him and his family and mail them to your daughter. Then be ready to pick her up because she will be crushed, this is her first love, maybe her first sexual partner. She will never get over it completely. And though your actions are backstabbing, it will help her see she is nothing but a past time for him. Of course he calls her all the time. Start recording it, then call his wife and play it back. If anyone will stop his playfulness, it's a good butt chewing from his wife, and the fear of yet more child support and alimony. Don't waste your energy fighting with her, use your energy to show those around her how THEY are causing her the most hurt. Be your own private investigator. You can do this.

Answer 8

to me, the statement you made that your daughter is "a booty call", seems like a need for attention ..although it is the wrong kind of attention....she just isn't seeing that...her age is tough, they know it all....like we did when we were their age, but most of us would never hook up with a guy that age...I think even though she is of "legal" age you said, I thought 18 was, could be wrong....He is 36, and married....that has to be something along the lines of a pedophile act somewhere in the books....the guy has kids for god's sake....How's about calling the DHS where you live and reporting him, maybe they can make his life just a tad uncomfortable, seeing he doesn't mind having sex with a MINOR...she can't even buy a pack of cigarettes but can have sex legally, that is screwed up if that is the law in your state.....She is out of control I am afraid....and no offense to your parenting skills....kids are wilder these days.....they are into way more stuff than when I was that age, with all the drugs and all we had back then, there is a lot of other influences now....You have a couple of choices.....I'd tell the wife first of all...That'll throw a wrench into his extra curricular activities, hopefully a big one!....Set up a meeting with a clinical psychologist, at your mental health clinic, no shame in that....to get to the root of why she is in a self destructive mode, because that is what it is...I would do something before she gets herself pregnant, and "oh he'll leave his wife now....." you and I both know he won't and she'll be stuck with a kid to bring home for YOU to help raise.......CALL THE WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

The updates is even sadder then the original post. I too would call the police since she is under the age of 18 there might be some old NC statues that will assist you. Keep her focused on her studies by saying even a community college is going to be a challenge and you need to be prepared for that.

Have you tried to confront him yourself? As a dad I would be all over him on this one. I would be saying you know when you child is 17 I hope no person approaches them for sex.

My heart goes out to you, best of luck.

Answer 10

You are getting very good advice about what to do with your daughter. As a man with a daughter, I feel compelled to protect her honor and reputation.
Back here in midwest, some 15-20 years ago, town bully of smaller town got killed. No one saw it, confessed, or know nything about it. I am not saying kill the man, but make his life absolute hell on earth. If this f---er is bragging and calling her a booty call, his balls need to meet a very tight vise. Just aim for him, not wife and kids. But make his life miserable. Hve the football team kick his ***, regularly. Get some big ugly dudes to intimidate the bastard.
Demand that the fast food chain fire him. If he did this prior to 17 it could be rape even if she consented. Picket outside his store, his home. Basically phuck his life up every chance you and all of your friends get. His bragging tells me he thinks he is hot stuff. Usually the ego will conspire to his own undoing, but give him many many nudges along his path to self destruction.

Answer 11

Don't envy you hon..... there is not too much you can do except be sure she doesn't get pg.... the hormones are raging, and she'll indeed get her heart broken, and he indeed is using her..Counseling?

Thoughts: Wonder why she feels she is not worth one nice boyfriend, rather than a guy with baggage, and old enough to be her dad... and have you asked her where she thinks this is going to end? Project into the future: He leaves his wife, then his kids move in, and now what? she's their mom? as in they are going to listen to her? And who is going to support her and him in their new place when he has child support to pay to the wife with the three kids? And what if she becomes pg.... oh, no, not another mouth to feed. Suddenly the romance is out the window, she has a screaming child, colic that lasts for days, vomiting in the bed, poopy diapers, he won't help, and she is only 18, (and never got to have any fun in college, with friends, frat parties, homecoming, great conversations in tiny places with super other college students....) . He dumps her, just like he dumped his wife.....

And no other guy will want her because single guys regard other men's children as baggage, big time..... try that one on for size.