How do I learn to help myself...please read more?

Question

For my whole life helping people has always been something I've done. I love to do it, it is very important to me and I firmly believe in it. The thing is, I never help myself. If I'm really really down, I don't seek any help...but if someone I think just might be, I am all over it. I help my friends achieve things that will make them happy but don't do it for myself. I bend over backwards for other people, people I don't even know and I think its a great thing...but sometimes I need help too, and I never get any (and refuse to ask). What do I need to do to learn to help myself? I just don't get it...sometimes the only that that motivates me is it I convince myself that benefiting me will benefit someone else. Why do I care about how other people are, but not myself?

Examples...here is an example. This girl I know was going through a really rough time, I hardly knew her at ALL...just barely. Not even an acquaintance. I gave her my number and told her she could call me any hour of the day any day of the week and I'd talk to her...she did, sometimes at three in the morning, and I'd talk to her no matter what the expense was to me- even if it meant I failed finals the next day, or got last in a track meet. I don't want to change this, I just need to learn to balance it and to...get some help for myself too.

Answer 1

It doesn't seem like you place as much value on yourself as you do on others. Until you develop some self-esteem and worth that is independent of what you do for others and their opinions of you, you will be stuck where you are currently.

Start small-ask your friends for little things at first until it becomes more natural for you to ask for help when you need it. Be prepared for some people to react negatively-people tend to be wary of change.
Relationships tend to be very superficial and unsatisfying for both people who are involved when there is no reciprocity. Most people enjoy helping their friends and appreciate opportunities to do so.
Good luck.

Answer 2

You have deep feelings of worthlessness and lack of value as an individual. Consequently, you seek to gain 'validity' by being of service to others, since you think that by providing such service, someone else will 'validate' your existence.

It doesn't work that way, because every time you help someone else out, and they don't 'validate' your existence by giving you the reward you believe you deserve, you feel 'cheated' and even more 'worthless'. And because other people, who don't have the same insecurities, see someone offering help, they have no problem accepting such help without feeling the need to return the favor.

If you truly believe in helping people, then you really don't care what their reaction is. This is because to a person who believes in service to others, the service to others is what counts, not how much they get back. It is called giving without strings attached.

What you need to learn (and accept) is that you can help people more when you are healthier then when you are sick or unhappy. You cannot help people when you are secretly resenting them (or yourself) because the resentment will affect the way you help them, usually by building up within you to the point which you will refuse to help anyone, which will then explode into 'guilt' and which will make you help the person beyond your ability to recover quickly from it.

A sound mind leads to sound answers. A troubled anxious mind leads to troubled anxious answers. See the connection between your health and your ability to help others (and how it is being worn down by your present behavior) and you will learn how to say 'no' to others.

Also, remember that just because you say 'no' doesn't mean that you can never say 'yes' again. Just because you go on vacation doesn't mean you are quitting your job. Does not going on vacation actually help you cope better at work? The same idea applies. If you overwork, after-awhile you lose productivity and effectiveness. Be productive, learn to take rests and recover.

Answer 3

Wow this is kinda scary, my best friend is exactly like you and I feel a lot like the girl in your example. I first meet my best friend when i was 15 and he was 16. I was going through a really rough time and he said to me ' i'll help you through this no matter what, i will be there for you.' And he was, completly amazing.

But about 6months ago he broke down on the phone to me. I was really worried because it was the first i had kind of heard him tell me he was sad. He said that he'd spent his whole life helping other people and doing stuff for everyone else but never for himself and noone was ever there to help him. I told him i would always be there for him and that i love him.

All I can suggest is that you say no to people when they ask for your help. You're not there responsibilty, your not being paid. I know you love helping them but if it's going to make you feel worse then it's not worth it.

Find someone to talk to and let them help you through things.

Or write down your feelings, trust me it helps a lot.

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