I am having problems letting my son manage on his own. He is 21.?

Question

We have been thru a lot together. His dad was very abusive and I divorced him when my son was 3. We were so poor, we lived in welfare housing and survived on food stamps while I went to college and finally got a good job. I re married 10 yrs later, and the new husband tried to beat my son up. I divorced. i am so ashamed of the way he treated my kid and I couldnt stop him. I was shocked. He probably would have kicked my ....
We are alone together now and he is a grown man. I helped him buy a car 2 weeks ago, and I suppose he is comfortable here and will stay as long as he likes. No hurry. Will he just move out on his own some day? Should I push him to move out and get on his own? Are we going to be a mother son weirdo relationship? I hope not! I just want what is best for him. I dont want him to feel like he has to do anything he dont want to, but maybe he is too dependent on me. What do you think?

I forgot to add. he works full time, goes to the local jounior college 3/4 time and really has a blast playing those video games. He has a neighborhood girl eyeing him, but he is shy and when he finds someone he is brave enough to do whatever with, I hope she dont break his heart. My dad, his grandpa, left us a house, so we have no payments. I pay the utilities and he is pretty much here for free. He mowes the lawn, takes out the trash and takes care of the household chores.

Answer 1

You son's situation sounds almost exactly like me, with a similar past experience with my mother. I finally moved out two months ago, at the age of 22.

For me, my mother's house was just an easy, cheap way to live, and I didnt have much rules. I was (and still am) going to community college, and it just made everything easier, especially since the cost of living in my city is really expensive. Finally though, I had some friends who wanted to be roommates and we all moved out of our parents house (each of them are 21) Perhaps you should ask him if any of his friends are thinking about moving out, and if possible offer to help set him up with an apartment if you really want him out.

I think he just doesn't feel the real need to move out until he's done with college, and maybe doesn't think he can make it on his own.

Answer 2

I think as long as your son is being productive by either working or going to school that's a step in the right direction. Ofcourse it's important he shows respect. Maybe your son paying a little rent would make you feel better. You don't want to handicap him by doing everything for him, and with his childhood you may feel guilty and want to do a little extra. I would personally have him to pay all his bills he incurs. In this time it's harder to make it than in the past, and there's nothing wrong with him depending on you emotionally and putting a roof over his head, once again as long as he's doing his part.

Answer 3

Your son is just attached to you. Maybe the reason why he feels so close to you is because you're his mother and he trusts you. He feels secure being around you. I won't let the fact that he's close to interfere with your relationship. Allow him time to fully mature and become an independent man. If all he does is sit on his butt all day and don't do anything I think it's best that you take action and push him. However, if he's a go-getter, he's going to leave on his own.

Answer 4

Sweetie you two have been through alot together so I imagine you have a special bond. I wouldn't tell him he has to go just yet. I'll also bet that you rely on him as much as he does you. Maybe you don't rely on him for money, but, I'll bet for emotional support you do. I'd say if he's leaning on you too heavily you should very slowly back off a little. I wouldn't worry about him needing to leave for at least a couple of years. These things usually have a way of working themselves out on their own.

Answer 5

I think that when your son is ready he will move on. I doubt he will just pack up and move he will more than likely ask for your help in finding a place. Right now he isn't ready to move, he's comfortable so enjoy his adulthood. Hopefully his is contributing to the household finanices...my daughter pays half the rent and half of the bills, she too is 21, we share a 2 bedroom apartment.

Answer 6

This is simpler than you think. Have him start paying rent or half off all the bills. This will push him into the real world and help him into the real world. Also once he has a girlfriend he will want his own place.

If all of this fails then sit down and talk to him. Yes he had a bad childhood but it's up to him to take charge of his own life. If you expect him to wallow in it then he will. If you expect him to be a responsible adult then he will.

Answer 7

You are very sensible and that's highly appreciable.It's understandable that you both are pretty dependent on each other considering the ups and downs of life u have been through.U have to encourage him to be independent.Don't push him...or else he might feel that u r trying to get rid of him.Be his friends..ask him about his future plans casually..in a friendly way.take care and good luck:)

Answer 8

Hard to say. Could it be that he feels that you are dependant on him. Like he has to be a good man in your life, protect you.

I am very sorry that you and he had to experience that. Be there for each other, be honest and that honesty and openness will foster a healthy relationship.

Kudos to you for keeping on a track and striving for a better life.

Answer 9

No, I've been there. Bite your tongue and support your son. He has no example of what a real man is. He may take a little longer. Be there for him as long as you can. When they fly away, it all changes, and you'll wish for those welfare days.

Answer 10

maybe he is just happy being around you let fate take it's course he'll move out when he gets ready to if he don't have a job then yes he is too dependant on you but if he works then leave the poor boy alone he'll come around