My parent's marriage is falling apart. How would you handle this?

Question

I left home a couple of years ago but my younger brother is still living at home. We have always had what seemed to be the perfect family. Until around 6 months ago... my mum started having an affair. It's been out in the open for a couple of months and my dad has forgiven her and asked her not to leave. For a while it looked like things were going to be OK...
But just after christmas, my mum gave me a letter explaining how she feels she has married the wrong man and cannot carry on her life as it is, and wants to leave my dad. Then she moved out. She's been looking so ill lately and has lost around a stone. At the time I felt obliged to let her go without interfering, as it is not my place to judge my parents' actions and I don't as a rule advise people who don't ask for it.
A couple of weeks on & my dad is inconsolable. He used to be my pillar of strength, now he calls me up in tears. He wants me to persuade mum to come home. I can't refuse to help my poor dad -
What should I do?

Although many have advised me to stay neutral and let them fight it out (thanks for advice) my dad sees it like this: my mum leaving will affect the whole family and it is up to the whole family to hold itself together. We are all so close to each other, we cannot let one of us trip and fall without trying to pick them back up. My brothers and I are active members of the family, not just passive recipients of the consequences of my parents' actions. My mum is depressed and not herself, we can't just sit back and let her go nuts and wreck her family. That's how he sees things anyway and a part of me agrees.
On the other hand, I'm only 21, I don't know how marriages work and I don't know how much damage I might cause by interfering. I can sympathise with how my mum is feeling trapped and hopeless as well, I don't want to damage our relationship by taking sides. But then - if they divorce and I did nothing to stop it, how can I forgive myself?
Aaargh.

Answer 1

There is nothing you can do. Straight up. I'm sorry. I went through it once with my 'perfect family' parents, too. Now it looks like I am going through it again.

Just be there for them. Love them, listen to them. That's it.

Answer 2

From what you say, your parents marriage has fallen apart. You really should not attempt to do anything abour your parent's relationship. Perhaps your father should talk to the Vicar?

Answer 3

Wow it is tough to be in your situation. Adults sometimes have these problems and children get caught in the middle. That's a fact. Your dad is remarkable in that he wants your mom back---some men wouldn't do this. The questions are probably not getting answered for why this happened--but maybe mom has a point. And dad wants her back but he is not having any luck. there is nothing you can say or do for him at this time--except listen to him and be supportive. TO A POINT>>>> you can't fall into taking sides in these matters. You have a life too and you can't neglect yourself. Keep an eye on your brother and help him understand what is happening. You have had to mature and grow up very fast--you are doing a nice job---good luck with all this. Remember that this goes on all over the world and it is never an easy thing. Talk to clergy if you need to. Open up to a trained counselor....your dad would benefit too

Answer 4

Yikes man. That blows. Sorry to hear...

If it is any consolation, my parents marriage fell apart too. But instead of begging, my mom jumped head first into a botttle and blamed her children for the collapse - so look on the bright side. At least mom didnt leave because of YOU... I wouldnt know how to help dad....

Answer 5

let him know to care, but you can not force your mom to do what she doesn't want to do. Let him know it is time for him to start trying to find ladies just for a companion, maybe later down the line he'll start have fun. It would have been a lot worse if she would have stayed, and carried on the affair, that is really hard for kids to deal with when it's up in their face. It is a path your mom has chosen, and no one will change her mind, exect for the other guy.

Answer 6

Let him know it isn't your place. Tell him to get counseling for his grief and for help. You're going through the same problem as he is trying to deal with it... you can't get caught up in trying to help him deal with it too. It will eat you alive if you let it. My parents split up 3 days after i got married- no warning. Don't let them see you taking sides or it will make them feel more abandoned- no matter what side you are on... and seriously, family counselors are there for a reason. They aren't emotionally involved, so they can be objective and offer real advice.... based on years of training and experience.

Answer 7

I understand what you are going through. Many people have this same problem. You should find out why your mom thinks shes has married the wrong man. Try to understand what your parents are going through and try to fix this by persuading each of them to change. I faced this same problem. For me, I began to become more independant because I realized that I must do my best to do good in school and make sure this same problem doesnt happen to me when I grow up. I would also recommend you to tell your parents to think about the children. Tell them to stay together so you and your brother can have a better future.

Answer 8

Dude stay out of it, it's between them. Marriages come and go, fact of life! Deal with it!

Answer 9

Its all over this world 4 out of 5 marriages do not make it and its a good thing not to get involved just be happy and help out who needs it but once a cheater always a cheater so they say but its 99 percent true my friend .About dad just be with him more than ever he needs you to hug him and be very close to him.God do l know about this l am 50 and it still hurts me lots and l tell no one but l should so good luck and go to dad now call him gl and best luck bye.

Answer 10

Urge your dad to seek counseling. You should not have to run interference here. Parents should handle their relationships without putting the burden on their children, even adult children. Best of luck, dear.