Should I change my poem?

Question

I wrote a poem for Creative Writing, but I don't like the second stanza. I don't think it flows with the rest of the poem. Everyone I've asked so far says I should leave my poem as it as it is, it completey dosen't make sense, or that it's not the second stanza that dosen't flow, it's the last. What do you think? Should I just the it as it is or do you have any suggestions on how I should change it?


A casual joke starts it again
The twister spins with gusting wind
Contrite is sent to end the pain
But they fall limp under disdain

All efforts shot, the course is clear
It rips and tears and hope is thinned
It wips the fool and all who's near
The fool takes flight and disapears

The standing fight on through the storm
To break the shield of one frightened
The fallen wall reveals the norm
A crying child starts to form

Answer 1

If we're talking about flow, then what we're probably referring to is the meter. If you've never written out the meter of a poem before, I recommend it - it can be quite a useful tool to detect problems such as these.

What you do is make a mark for each syllable of each word of the poem. Typically a dash (-) is used for each unstressed syllable, and a stress mark (`) or a slash (/) is used for each stressed one. Here's what I got when I did your poem:

-/--/-/-/
-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/

-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/...
-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/

-/-/-/-/
-/-/-//-
-/-/-/-/
-/-//-/

Of course, exactly what is stressed and the like will vary with how exactly you read it, your dialect, and the like. Which is precisely why people like to her authors read their own poems. But looking at it, you can see that your meter is actually pretty darn consistent... I only had problems in four places.

The first is the word 'casual'. Three syllables when it looks like you really wanted to jam two in there. I think you can make it a little better by saying instead 'Casual jokes start it again'... your stress pattern will still be off, but as the first word it's not quite as noticable. You may be able to think of better alternatives.

The only problem I had with the meter of the second stanza was the word 'thinned'. The long n makes this word longer than a typical one syllable word, but it's not quite two. One way to make the word shorter is to tell the reader to pronounce it this way. You can use 'thin'd' instead. Without the other n and e, it's hard NOT to read that as shorter.

The last stanza gave me a few problems, though. So I'm with those who would say that it's your biggest problem. Frightened has the stress on the first syllable and leave you with a weak line end. An easy fix is to use 'in fright' instead (the easiest so far!).

In the last line, child (a little long for a one-syllable word again - it's that l-d) seems stressed to me and 'starts' right next to it is stressed too. Which leaves you with neighboring stresses and one syllable short for your line. You can fix the syllable problem by changing 'starts' to 'begins'. This, like the problem in the first line, may make the stress irregularity less noticeable. But again, maybe you can think of something better.

Anyway, that's the flow as I see it. Hope that helps!

Answer 2

Yes, I would leave the second stanza out and perhaps replace it with something that (1) fits the rhymne scheme and (2) gives the reader some clue as to what you are trying to say in this poem.

Or I might just wad up the piece of paper this poem is written on and start over.

Answer 3

how about "to break the shield of the frightened one"? i think thats the only part of the poem that should be edited. other than that, its beautiful. Oh, and i disagree with the one above me. not all poems make perfect sense to the reader. a poem is an expression of YOUR feelings. its the readers job to figure it out.
and a scattered rhyme sceme is okay, as long they are somewhat similar, which you have. i have some poems like that

Answer 4

Sorry, this poem is fragmented and confused. Also, you have wrong parts of speech - 'contrite' is being used as a noun here, and the noun is contrition. Furthermore, contrition is a state of mind, not something that can be sent. You can have contrition, but you can't send it. Who are 'they'? In poetry concrete imagery is best, and 'they' without any further illumination is a vague word. 'Who's" is also grammatically incorrect, it should be 'who are' or 'who're'. If the fallen wall reveals the norm, what is the norm?