Why won't he let go? What to do?

Question

I was dating someone for months this past year...he got some other girl pregnant (I never knew about her) and then married her. I found out (not by him) a few weeks after the wedding. I love him, but have moved and started a new career etc. We never lost total contact...too many emotions I suspect. But, lately he is getting more emotional about us...he even told me he is in love with me and does not want to "let me go". I feel the same way, but know that he will stick out his marriage no matter what because he does not want to be an absentee father like some of our friends. I was dating someone else; but even though I really like him, I can never quite remove myself from thinking about my ex. I told the new guy I just was not ready to date because I did not wish to be unfair. My ex has admitted to being selfish in that he won't tell me to "go away". He insists that he is in love with me and that there will never come a day when he does not wish he could see me.

I know it is a stupid situation that I should not even be in. I am NOT looking for the same old "leave him", "forget about him", "you are being a home-wrecker" answers. I am looking for anyone who has been on either side of a similar situation and maybe can offer some realistic advice.

All I can say is that I know how much he cares. He is risking losing any right to his baby by even speaking to me...but he has admitted he needs me in his life.

I think he has seen a different side of me through all of this. I barely flinched (okay a little crying) when I met his wife. I have been through a lot on the relationship front and I guess that nothing really shocks me anymore. I was not vindictive, angry or anything other than genuinely sad.

He cried the last time I saw him when I told him he would need to let me go, if he loved me truly, so that I could have a chance at meeting someone and haveing a family someday.

Answer 1

I read all about your situation. He cheated on you and inpregnanted some girl. He then married her and has a life with her. You are not the home wrecker lol she is it is just that she got him to marry her. I think that you have to let him go because I know the feelings are there. The guy tried to do the right thing and he should of never cheated nor have married her but it happened. There is nothing to be done. He did the right thing not thinking that marriage is final and that you are gone out of his life now. He chose to marry her he chose to have sex with her. You did not choose. He is being selfish...he has a wife and baby who I am not sure has been born yet but these are his choices. Tell him that he made his choices and now he has to live by them. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's unhealthy to continue this. How would you feel if it was you who were married to him and was talking this way to another woman? Which might be how his wife now was with him. Maybe he told her all the things he is telling you now only thing is that she got pregnant and they decided to marry. I have been there where I am with someone and there is someone else in my heart and as much as I want to let go I can not but eventually you think of the guy less and less. You need to start to healing process and you can not do this when he is sitting here and telling you these things. Tears or not you are a woman that needs a good man that will be with you and you only. You could do the whole if you love something let it go but I mean when you do this you may not want him to come back to you...he could not even tell you he got married and you did not find out until weeks after from someone else other then him. I hope this helped you but I think you need to look after you and forget about him he has other things to take care of. Tell him to be a father and a husband and not to worry about mending hearts that can move on without him. The only way to get over him is stop all contact with him.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your predicament. It isn't fair, and I can tell this is very very confusing for all! Not really sure what you want for advice, as you don't give enough info about this mans character or what he tells his wife.

Ok, first off,.. just getting some girl pregnant and marrying her, while often stated as the "honorable" thing to do, often is just the opposite! All it takes for getting pregnant is an egg, sperm and time.. doesn't mean the two get along, or even like each other! So, his marrying the other woman because he got her pregnant may well have been a very very very flawed choice.
If he doesn't love this woman, and she doesn't love him, then here they are, for the rest of their lives, trapped with someone they DON'T love, without the opportunity to be with someone they DO love and there is no hope for anything better.. all because you are "supposed" to get married because you got pregnant. That is some crap logic. Really.

Secondly, there is NO way that his rights to see the kid can be "severed" because he sees you or keeps in touch! He can divorce this woman, pay child support, and he will NEVER lose the chance to see the kid unless he is a very bad man and did something stupid. It is NOT up to the woman whether he can see the kid, only the courts. And the courts don't take away parental rights just because someone is not in love with the MOM!

So, he AND his wife AND you need to separate SUPPORTING the kid with being MARRIED to the MOM! He can be a GREAT dad without being married to the MOM! Or a crappy unhappy dad married to a woman he found hot enough to sleep with at least once!

So, here is the thing.. don't let him OR you be confused into thinking that behaving HONORABLY and RESPONSIBLY toward the innocent baby (NOT the baby's fault it was born!) means him being MARRIED to the MOM! You all only have ONE flipping life! Is it worth it to be married to someone you don't love and forever miss the one you do love!?

Now, this assumes he married the lady out of duty, loves and misses you, and just can't make one plus one equal 12 in his head (ie happy being married to someone he doesn't love).

If he DID however tell the woman who is the mom that he loves HER, AND he says the same thing to YOU.. well, he is just a bad catch that wants more women than the should.. would be one thing if you all were cool with fooling around without strings, wife and you included.. whatever works and you all agree to is ok, as long as all agree.. but if this is something HE wants on the side.. well, he is not showing good character.

Answer 3

He is married to another woman and has a child. Had he loved you, he would never have gotten into that situation in the first place. When things don't go the way he wants at home he remembers his time with you and you get to looking better and better and so he gets more 'emotional'. Don't fall for it. This guy is a loser, a heart breaker, and a destroyer. Cut the cord and keep it cut and be thankful he's out of your life. Let him go and go on to a better man. Also, although the situation was not your fault, letting it go does do harm to the marriage he is in and especially to the child. I don't believe you really want to be any party to causing harm to another.

Answer 4

I have been in a similar situation. A man I loved desperately married someone else. I knew her and knew before hand. He still called me for a long time after the marriage and said he needed me and loved me.
The truth of the matter is that you do need to move on. Tell him that no matter how he feels about you, he is married to someone else and if he can't let go, it's his problem. You have to in order to build a life for yourself. Sometimes you have to be selfish. This is one of those times. His needs and wants are his wife's responsibilities now and yours are to do what is best for you. You really need to tell him not to call. As long as you are in touch with him you can't really move on. It isn't easy, but that's reality.

Answer 5

Hey he made his bed and now he has to Lay in it. He should thought of that before he got her pregnant. He know what he was is doing, he playing you for a fool and know you will fall for it. Get real girl and change your number and don't contact him or let him contact you. How would feel if he was married to you and was doing this behind your back? You wouldn't like it. Plus what about the kid. He's be absent just being there cause he thinking about would of, could of,etc., Tell him to stop calling and you need to move on. Because if he doing this to his wife what make you think that he wouldn't do it to you? Once a cheater always a cheater

Answer 6

And you wish to keep this guy in your life why???????? He cheated on you, hon, you are the "jerk in reserve".

And quite bluntly, you don't love him, you love what you thought he was, and they aren't the same, and when you get to that, you'll realize it. Find a great guy somewhere else -- like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, e-harmony, etc. they all work, and they all have nuts on them too, just like who you will find sitting next to you in church.... But don't waste energy on someone who will never be who you really want, and even if you ended up with this guy for awhile, he'd just cheat on you too..... people who do this have no ethics, no sense of right or wrong, and sure enough are not spouse material.... Marriages/relations are admiration, respect, passion, and trust...four biggies...... You have passion for him, but he has it for everyone!!!!!!!!! The other three you have for him are now in the toilet --- you just don't know it yet.
Don't share, hon, don't ever share. Everyone deserves a faithful love in their life..... everyone.

Answer 7

Hon, if he impregnated and married some woman behind your back, he is not worth it. Be a big girl and break it off. He has a family now, and you both need to move on with your lives. It sounds very much like he is holding you back from living yours.

I know it'll be hard, but you'll be stronger for it. Get yourself involved in different activities with friends or family to keep your mind off the situation. It helps.

Best wishes for a new life,

Mel

Answer 8

This person has no authority over you to "let you go" or to "not let you go". You are the only one with the authority to let go of him, or to choose to hang on. Yes, letting go can be hard sometimes, but in the long run it is the only productive path to take. Tell him to get lost, then get a grip on reality and get on with your life. He's whining to you because he isn't happy in his marriage, and needs to build up his ego. He doesn't "love" you - he's just using you as an ego-booster, is all; don't fool yourself about the true nature of his "feelings". I don't know why you would even consider putting your life on hold for such a loser. Wake up and smell the coffee, it's time to move on and have fun; you're wasting your precious time.

Answer 9

Damn...

HEY WAIT A MINUTE...Is this Ginger McKenna? Is this ex of yours named Lester Diamond by any chance?

Umm...but seriously, are you right in the head? Did you say that this ex of yours knocked up some other broad an married her, but you're still in love with him? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

If he doesn't want to "let you go" then you stab the dude in the fingers with a pencil until he does let go!

I'm sorry, I cannot honestly say I can sympathize with you in any way. How can you have such a low opinion of yourself to want to stay with a man who obviously cheated on you and then left you...not only left you, but MARRIED SOME OTHER BROAD?!

Is this really some sort of teaser for a crappy TV show on the WB or something...really?

Get a clue, lady, drop the guy, move on. Do something with your life. Despite you thinking I'm a real ******...I really hope you listen to my advice...Good luck.

Answer 10

There's a reason he won't let go. He knows that everytime he comes around you'll let him in. And in due time that will change it could become a relationship that is just based on friendship or it can become what it was. If you want for him to completely let go you have to say it and make sure your facial expressions and your body talk says the same thing.