how do i cope now my husband of 20yrs has left now i have found out he has been having an affair?

Answer 1

I know it's a cliche but time is the best healer. You also need to be able to take your mind off of this by keeping it active with other things...take up a new hobby or take an evening class where you can meet new people that share your interests. Best Wishes xx

Answer 2

most common asked question as you were married for a long time now you find yourself without your mate and your probably nervous scared and think how will you manage. its normal you got comfy and used to waking up and seeing the other person there and shared holidays etc together and daily routine. like anything this is another change in your life.

So you can remember the good times you had for 20 years and keep them as nice memorires but now it is your time to move on ward and upward. Life never stands still neither do people. everyone grows sometimes they go down the same road together sometimes not.

Just so your not alone i have a friend who has 4 children and married 27 years and her husband was having an affair with the secretary they were both married but ended there marriages to be together. and my friend had to start a new chapter in her life also. she got out and found a job which was scary for her as she never worked while they were married but she's coping well. she has a lot of anger so i hope you don't stew like this cause it will only affect your health and your well being and your spirit along with the kids.

Take this time to get to know yourself again find out what interests you have and what hobbies or things you always wanted to do and then get going on them. Life doesn't stop because couple end marriages. Look at Ray disney he's 77 been married 51 years and he filed for divorce today.

Life is short your best if your not happy to move on and continuing looking and having some fun along the way.

You will be fine my dear. your just apprehensive right now about the unknown and scared thats normal. once you get out there you'll start feeling better day by day. and who knows you may meet another wonderful man to take you down another road in life. its all about growing. so you'll be doing some more growing during this period but it can be healthy too it all how you decide to handle your life.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi there,

It can't be easy dealing with the fact he has left let alone the fact he is having an affair. I know this will be very hard to do but you must not concentrate on the "other woman" You need to put all your effort into you now. Think about the things you have done if you never married him.

Think of all the times you said If things were different I would... I'm not going to tell you what an *** he is coz I'm pretty sure you already know!! But I am going to tell you that you are strong & well able for life without that hurt & upset.

You will survive this, get yourself a song to play so that everytime you get down it lifts you back up again.. Gloria geynor has a good one for you.....I will SURVIVE..

I do agree with one of the other suggestions - Do not allow him to see you down & out. He no longer has the right or the power over you any more so show him what you are made of.. Go get a new life without him. Be strong & powerful when you see him. Don't run from him - walk tall & proud. You've done nothing wrong remember that!

Best of luck on your new adventure!!

Answer 4

Some on here are telling you to not let him see how hurt you are. But why not? He hurt you. He should know that he hurt you. Maybe he'll at least have the decency to feel badly about that.

You cope by looking around you. Are you working? Can you do really well at your job? If you haven't been working, maybe now is the time to start looking for a job.

Start by making an assessment of yourself and your situation. Can you pay the rent and the utilities? Is there enough money for food and other necessities?

And, consider the hobbies you've always wanted to learn. Do something nice for yourself now.

Answer 5

Well, i can tell you that you are better off now that he's gone.I wonder is that the reason he left you. If so you should be happy that he's not there to drag you along in his adulteress affairs.Look on the bright side he would have hurt you more by lying to you about that other woman when you to guys was together.See he can hurt now really cause he's gone. I know that it hurts but trust me time wait on no man, and time is the best healer,everything heals with time .Let his cheating a** go his way.She will find out that the grass isn't so green. So will he,cause what he do to you,he might do it to her. Hell it might be the other way around. She might do him like that.What goes around come around. Everything that glitter isn't gold.what i am trying to say is that you keep your head up and get your alimony lol.

Answer 6

It's heartbreaking for you I know, to find out that the man youv'e been married to for 2O has betrayed you.
I would imagine even if you have children that they are grown.
You must look at it, that you have been given your own life back.
You can now do what you want ,when you want ,with who you want.
Tell you what,once you get over the hurt pride and get into the swing of things again, you won't want him back.
You must know, you are one of thousands of women who are confronted with this situation every day, 99% of us live through it and go forward to usually a happier life.
Yes, it's rough,I know I've been there, not the deserted bit, but numerous mistresses and two divorces to the same man.
These men always seem to think the grass is greener the other side of the fence, it rarely is, and you will probably find ,in a short while ,he will want to come back home to you.
Do yourself a favour, I'm telling you from expeience it doesn't work.
Now, go get your hair done,get some new clothes, change your image.
If youv'e got any money,go on holiday with a friend, or join a club,do anything to get you out.
Get yourself a nice tan.
Treat yourself,it will make you feel better.
Your self esteem is probably at it's lowest at the moment,so you need a pick me up.
Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself,that's exactly what he will expect you to do.
Start going out and enjoying yourself, dress to kill,make him see you have a life after HIM, that will bug him more than anything, seeing you out and about and enjoying your life without him.
Believe me ,if he comes back ,and you have him back, he'll know he can walk all over you and will probably do it again.
You will never trust him again and your worth more.
So move on girl, you can do better, he's proved he's not worth the heartache.
You'll even have the remote control to yourself for once. he...he, life's too short to be miserable,especially over a man, there are thousands out there, if you find you really want another one to wait on hand foot and finger again.

Good luck and god bless,from one of the survivors.

Answer 7

This is predictable coming from me but I am going to say celebrate the new life you are going to create for yourself. Your identity for 20 years has been his wife. That is not a bad thing but now the roles have changed. you have been given a second adolescence. How fun is that? You get to rediscover your passions, interests, goals, hopes, dreams and experiences that have been laying dormant in your soul waiting to be awakened. In the Oprah age you couldn't have come into your second adolescence at a better time. Learn something new. Work on making you happy. Set small goals for yourself and has the fun happy you comes out you will be confident enough to try bigger things. My first year I had goals like have a good belly laugh daily, read a magazine cover to cover at the beach. Learn to meditate. Start a journal on th e Oprah web page. Acknowledge the pain that the break up has caused you and trust yourself to come out of this stronger, more emotionally aware. This time you can count on someone who will never betray you - YOU ( keep that promise). Good Luck and Congrats on your new life.

Answer 8

i was with my x husband for 20 years too. the first couple of weeks were very soul searching and i did miss him being there ,i realised though that i didn't love him.that was 7 years ago.I'm with a great guy now and have been for the last three years,it not perfect but what do you call perfect nowadays. you will get over him but to be honest i think i will fizzle out with this other woman.people always think the grass is greener on the other side,reality will strike and he will wonder what the hell its all been about.He will probably come running back to you begging you to take him back, then the ball will be in your court..don't despair duck you will be OK. best of luck . PS you will cope i did, it will be hit and miss for a while but you will get there.

Answer 9

Screw the bastard. Go out to Karaoke night and make lots of new friends. Get drunk a few times, talk to everyone about your problems and then laugh about it. Everyone will have similar stories, and you won't feel so isolated and picked on. After that, get your life back on track and carry on. You don't need a man to be complete. Now is the time for you to prove that to yourself!

As a side note, I'd add he might come to understand what a ******** he was, but it is your choice to take him back or not if the time comes. People make mistakes tho. That's why we're called human and not demigods or something like that. Either way, this is a great opportunity for you to find out who you are after all this time.

Answer 10

You should thank your lucky starts that one cheating rat is out of your life for a start. But seriously, it must be difficult after 20 years and I am sure your a terrified of what lies ahead. The best way to cope (and get even) is to live well and make sure he sees you looking great and being happy - even if you feel like a bruised banana inside. Fill up the diary with lots of friends, outings, beauty stuff and one day you will be looking forward to not knowing what the next day will bring!