i found out that my ex is having my baby and it's mine for sure. she is going to have the baby whether or not she has my support. she not asking me to be with her, but i know she still likes me and would try to work things out.
i know i would not be with her if it wasn't for the circumstances. i feel like i owe to the child to try and work things out, but i also know that it can be worse to be in a bad realtionship, for the child...
she lives about 7 hrs away from me now and i can transfer with my job. things will be much harder for me and i will have to move to a new town, far away.
what sounds resonable in the situation, i just want the best for my child and i didn't want to go through it like this. i just thought havin a child would be so much more exciting and now i dreading it. i know if were not together i will miss out on so much of the childs life:(
any words of wisdom?
2007-01-22 08:33:39 · 22 answers · asked by mike 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
Good for you for wanting to be a part of the child's life! That is going to make all the difference to the child, now if you can get along with the baby's mother as far as just having a civil relationship and not fighting, the baby will be fine.
You don't have to be with the baby's mother, as in a relationship, to be a part of the baby's life. You don't owe it to the baby to work it out with its mother. There is a reason she is an ex. You owe it to the baby to be there for it and to provide the most love and support for it possible. Just because you're not married or "with" the mother doesn't make you a bad person or a bad father. Spend time with your child, love your child with all your heart, provide for the child's needs and you'll be doing just fine. :-)
You have options.
7 hours is a day trip. You could do a long weekend once a month to see the child and arrange for longer visits as well.
You could move closer, but not in with the baby's mother. I'd go to the prenatal visits - especially the big ones - 1st heartbeat (around 12 weeks) and all ultrasounds. I would be there for the delivery and around afterwards. I would try to work out a custody agreement now. Have it formalized with the court. That's for the protection of everyone involved.
2007-01-22 08:49:01 · answer #1 · answered by turnerzgirl101 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
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2016-05-08 04:29:00 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't get back with your ex, if you don't love each other, it will be a disaster. Having a baby when you love each other is hard enough(newborns wake up every 2 hours, after a couple of weeks, sleep deprived parents, start to blame, and hate each other) If you relocate, and go back to a women you don't love, you will resent her and babies can since tension. You can still be a good father, you can visit 2 to 3 times a month( I know, it's not the same as being there all the time), but children are happiest, when they have happy parents, and that means doing what is best for you, I think you already know this, or you would not have asked, you are just feeling guilty, (believe me, no matter what you do , as a parent, you will allways feel guilty about something, congrats, that makes you a Dad already.
2007-01-22 08:50:56 · answer #3 · answered by Kimberly H 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like u want to be a part of the childs life am i right? i mean, u can choose to just be a child support check, but please dont waver between the two. if u are able to move it would be EXTREMELY helpful if u were much more available to be in your childs life from a closer distance. travelling back and forth 7 1/2 hrs with a newborn/baby is not going to go very well at least not the first 2 yrs. please dont try to work it out for the kid, it ends badly. resentment, turmoil in the home, the kid gets bad vibes from both parents when they are not happy. kids even little ones arent dumb. PLEASE make ur intentions of NOT getting back together well known if you so choose. right now, hormones are a factor. very easy to assume and get emotional. she sounds like she understands the situation, shes not askin for a relationship. she sounds like shes thinking about the child which is what both of you should think of. I cant stress enough the importance of continuity. whatever u choose....Stick with it! and IF u CHOOSE to be an Active father... move. this is ur FIRST CHILD. and u already have income lined up. its not so much to ask when u consider ur motivation. *it doesnt have to be today!
2007-01-22 09:40:39 · answer #4 · answered by jean grey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I would like to say that it is commendable that you are even considering how to be the best father in this situation. So many men take the easy way out and leave the Mother holding all of the responsibility.
Now to answer your question - If you feel these desires to be there for your child now, let me tell you they will only grow stronger when you meet him/her. Seeing their little face for the first time changes every fiber of who you are, and you will want to be there to love and care for your baby. So, whatever sacrifice it may mean for you in the process, you will regret those difficulties less than you would regret not being in your child's life. So, GO...move close, transfer your job and tell your ex that, short of getting back together you will do everything you can to help her, support her and parent wth her. Because every kid deserves the love of both parents.
Good luck! Take Care!
2007-01-22 08:50:44 · answer #5 · answered by PerfectRose 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best for the child is that you support and make sure you have visitation rights. You basically answered yourself when you said "I know I would not be with her if it wasn't for the circumstances". That tells me you don't love her and you should not force a relationship just because of the child. What is your statement about her that stands out to me? "She is not asking me to be with her...." I know this is harsh but are you 100% positive this child is yours and not someone else's she's been with? That would be your first step to responsibility make sure it's yours, after that, visitation rights should be set in place, as well as child support. Good luck.
2007-01-22 08:46:05 · answer #6 · answered by Mickey 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should never stay with someone, because its in the child's best interest.. children know when things aren't right and can pick up on their parents un-happiness, they even blame themselves for the problems. chances are, unless you guys reconnect and stay together forever, that you would eventually end up getting a divorce or breaking up, therefore don't let it happen like that. set up custody before the baby gets here, that way you don't put any stress on him or her..work out everything you need to work out now so the baby doesn't suffer. you dont have to miss out on your child's life..make sure you are apart of it as much as you can. be a good father and pay your child support, show up for visits and try to get along with his or her mother the best you can. your happiness will result in your child being happy..and your child's happiness is obviously what you believe to be the highest priority. good luck!
2007-01-22 08:43:29 · answer #7 · answered by JKlein 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems like you answered your own question. You have your mind on the right track. You said yourself, " I know if we are not together I will miss out on so much of the childs life!" You know exactly where you should be, but you sound like your scared of change and scared to become a father. Things will brighten up for you once they place that baby into your arms for the first time. No one says you have to be with your ex girlfriend. Things can be worked out without getting into a relationship. You said that you would not be with her if it wasn't for the sircumstances so you're basically answering your own questions. You know what you need to do! Good luck!
2007-01-22 08:46:12 · answer #8 · answered by ~M*a*N*d*Y~ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My mother and father only got married because my mother found out she was pregnant. Extremely bad idea, they divorced within a year of having me (I'm 3 years younger than my sister) and pretty much throughout the marriage they conflicted. If you broke up with her and know for a fact that you wouldn't be with her if she wasn't pregnant, don't get back together. Having a baby is enough stress without the added factor of being in a house sharing a bed with someone who in all honesty you'd rather not be. It isn't fair to you or your girlfriend to be trapped with someone you don't truly love, and it definitely isn't fair to the child that'll be along soon to be brought up with a family who shouldn't really be together. If a child doesn't know any different, believe me, they won't miss it. I can't remember having parents living together, and so I can't miss it. I'm happy with my family arrangement, and so is everyone else involved.
It's perfectly possible for fathers to be involved with their children even if they aren't together. I see my dad every other weekend and spend half my holidays with him, and it's been that way for as long as I remember. If I need to be run up to the airport or to a friend's house and he's around, he'll be happy to do so. He's never missed a parents' evening meeting. He always helped if I needed help on homework. He taught me how to use apostrophes! He's there for me, but he isn't living with my mother and arguing every day. I'm happier that way, I'd hate for my parents to be living together knowing that they weren't happy. It's healthier for all concerned if you don't force yourself into believing that every child absolutely MUST have mummy and daddy living together for both parents to be involved with their child's life and for the kid to grow up happily.
2007-01-22 08:49:24 · answer #9 · answered by Emily 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what is best for the child. But that does not mean that you have to get back together with you ex girlfriend. If you dont love her than I wouldnt do it. Just be the best dad you can be and take responsibility for what has happened. Good Luck.
2007-01-22 08:44:54 · answer #10 · answered by nashvillekat 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋