Wife has a hard time dealing with the ex. wife?

Question

My wife gets infuriated when we talk about my ex. wife. I get upset at my ex. and what she is doing to my kids and need to vent and my wife is my best friend so I vent to her. However if I mention something like my ex. tricked me into having another kid because she said the Dr. told her she couldn’t get pregnant, she goes ballistic. She says now she has visions in her head of me and my ex. wife being intimate when it was just a discussion that went a little out of wack. Then she tells me that I get so upset when I talk about my ex. that I must still love her. Honestly I can’t stand the ex. and she infuriates me. Just like if I came home and needed to talk about a boss that infuriated me it doesn’t mean that I actually like him because I talk about him a lot. It seems to be a deep rooted insecurity she has and there is no basis for it. She once told me one of her friends told her that “a father will always love the mother of his children” which is not true in anybody I know that has been divorced. She has this deep rooted fear that I still care about my ex. and I don’t know how I can shake that fear from her. Other than to stop talking about my ex. (which I need to from time to time). All I’ll do is go to someone else and talk about the ex. when I just need to vent and I don’t want to do that. Maybe I just need to stop talking about her all together when she’s around.

Answer 1

You need to shut up if you want to keep your current relationship intact.

Seriously, zip it. Put a sock in it. Shut your piehole. Can it, Mister. El zip-o el o-piehole-o.

Have some respect for your wife and stop treating her like a garbage disposal for all your anger and resentment, and maybe this marriage will stay intact.

Answer 2

You have to find balance between being able to confide in your wife and overwhelming her. Yes, she is your wife, best friend and confidant. But even a best friend will tire of hearing the same complaint over and over again.

Your wife probably is sensitive to the situation. Do you talk about your ex daily? More than once a day? Are you just pissed when you talk or do you raise your voice, slam doors and stomp around the house. Do you just vent and leave? She probably thinks you continue to have feelings for your ex because of the amount of time she occupies in your lives.

It's unrealistic to think that you won't stop talking or interacting with your ex, but is everything she does worth the amount of attention it gets? Probably not. Can you control even a bit of what she does? Probably not. Your rants are destroying the sancturary that is your home. Talk to your wife, and reassure her that all is good between you. Tell her you appreciate that she let's you vent. Tell her you will work in venting less if she can work on being more secure in your marriage. Many have suggested that you find a counselor, and that's a good idea. A good counselor will help you figure out how to direct your anger so it's not destructive (to you or your marriage) and help you find boundaries to deal with your ex.

Your wife wants to be your ally, but she doesn't want to be beat down with your anger toward your ex. I'm confident you can find common ground.

Answer 3

There is NOTHING uglier than jealousy.

Your wife needs to get a grip. All she's doing by freaking out over your ex is proving that she's insecure.

Talk to her, and tell her that (1) like it or not, you have children together. You are not going to go through life being unable to speak her name. If she can't deal with the fact that she's not the only woman you've ever known in your whole life, she needs to grow up. (2)she knew you had kids and an ex wife when she married you, (3) you got divorced for a reason. And if she doesn't cut the crap it's NOT going to be your ONLY divorce. You don't need to spend your life being afraid of hurting her feelings by saying some other woman's name. B.S. She needs to grow up. Being jealous just makes her look bad.

Say "I got divorced from her, yes. But like it or not, she is still a part of my life and always will be. Sorry. There is nothing I can do about it."

Let her fume for a few days but don't back down. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Answer 4

First, you should reassure your wife that she is the only woman you love. Second, you should find a guy friend to vent your feelings to about your ex, or a therapist if you don't have a guy friend you trust. It does sound like your current wife is being a little over-dramatic and insecure. These are her issues. She can fix them, but you can help by giving her all of the love and support she needs.

And as far as always loving the mother of your children, that just isn't true. My dad certainly has not loved my mother for a very long time - he has been happily married to my stepmom for over 20 years.

Answer 5

Believe me, that's a bad subject for most all second wives! Especially new wives that when the first wife bore the kids!! It's just that having a baby with someone is supposed to be so "special"! Females are funny creatures when it comes to that! Best thing to do is NOT speak about it at all, until she becomes secure. It's just all new to her, and she needs to get her right footage first. It might also be this way with the kids too. I know it seems silly, but it's just that way. Actually it just shows how very much she loves you, and doesn't want anything to mess it up. Being patient is the best thing! You sound very understanding, so try to just keeping that up. In the long run it will pay off. One day, she will realize how silly she's being, and all will be great!!!

Answer 6

Look you should not be always venting about your ex to your wife. Regardless of how you lost feelings for your ex, it is your current wife you should be concerned about. I believe your wife about maybe you are still too emotionally involved with your ex. If there was no feelings there would not be so much anger. By now your ex should not have that much power in getting you so upset. You are being rude to vent to your wife about your ex. Stop making your ex so important and start making your wife feel more reassured of your love or you just might have another ex wife! If you still have emotional baggage about your ex you must seek professional help for this, it is unfair to unload on your wife and tell your details of you and your ex. Be a more compassionate man to your wife!

Answer 7

My first thought is you NEED to stop talking about your ex if you want to keep your relationship with your wife! However I understand how hard it is when you need to vent and want to do it to your bf who is also your wife. So maybe next time, try to leave out the graphic details??? Maybe just talk about what's really bothering you without discussing your ex getting pregnant. It was even a little graphically described to me ~ and I dont even know you! LoL. Just a suggestion. Good Luck, and I hope you can find some middle ground with your wife!!

Answer 8

Wow, you have a lot going on right now. First of all, you need to realize that you wife is insecure about your ex. That is why she gets upset and says you must still love your ex. YOU need to reassure your wife that your first marriage is over and you need to remind your wife how much you love her, and want to be with her. Secondly, if your ex is causing this much grief with you, then you might consider talking to an impartial third party. A counselour, or therapist, until you can work out your issues and not let someone that you say you don't care about, get you so worked up and angry.

Answer 9

It does seem that your wife is insecure. Maybe it would be best that you leave the subject of your wife, a closed issue, especially when it comes to being intimate. Maybe the best answer would be to show her how much you love her and how much you care. It may help her from feeling so insecure and threatend. Just be more loving than usual and stop bringing up your ex. Things should turn around in a little bit.

Answer 10

I am the new one, my fiancee has his boys and the Ex is a thorn in my backside. She calls here as much as 15 times a day. He has nothing to do with her, says the same as you as far as just because they have kids together doesn't mean he still likes her. From my point, she never calls when I'm here through the week, just when I am out of the house. On weekends she calls once or twice. It irratates me because she "MAKES" it look like there is something between them. It doesn't help matters when holidays and birthdays roll around, she won't get them what they need, just stupid things we try to dissuade them from wasting all their time with and every time the phone rings and it's her he says "I need to make a few things clear with her", but he knows the boys are wanting it and he won't stop it from happening, he's just blowing off steam. I am sure in the 4 years we have been living together he has talked to her more than the couple times I know about but those few times I was present he made no comment about what she was saying (she referrs to me as the skinny ugly B***H) all he commented about was the fact she is a whore and go tell her troubles to her married little boy lover! When I ask him why he doesn't comment he said he wasn't going to play her name calling game. OK! I have never met this Ex, nor talked to her, she was gone from here long before I came into his life, I resent being called names and being blamed for her problems. I am not jealousy of this woman for she opened the door to my happiness today but just the fact she is involved in our life sets my teeth on edge and it does make it seem I have insecurities. Until the boys leave home I know she will be a thorn, but his love covers that sore perfectly

Answer 11

Try this. When referring to your ex wife use the term of "that women", maybe using a third party label would some how relate to your wife that you are detached emotionally from your ex.
Also dummy up on how your ex tricked you as that shows that you still have some raw points relating to your ex. If you do talk about your ex, lay off your past ups, drop them. Deal only with present time REAL issues. Quite stirring the coals as you are in a sense asking your wife to fix you and your upsets with your ex.
Giving her a problem she can't fix is sure to distress her.