im 28 and i lost my husband 18 months ago when he was 35,he died of kidney problems.i have now been dating a wonderful man for 7 months but im scared to commit and feel immense guilt.Im not stupid,i have a 4 year old son and a great career but this feeling of guilt will not pass.Has anyone else been in this position and if so,how do you move on ?
2007-01-22 06:28:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
kwon..i respect your opinion but unless you have been through such heartache please dont spout your hurtful rubbish.just pass my question by !
2007-01-22 06:40:38 · update #1
The guilt that you are feeling is natural and normal. The loss of your husband left a void and the fact that you've met someone new is great but you feel guilty because you vowed to love your husband for the rest of your life and the fact that he passed away left a huge void that takes an immense amount of time to heal those wounds and feeling guilty over trying to move on is what is nagging at your conscious. You are feeling as though you have betrayed your husband but think of it like this your husband would want you live your life he did not want you to die with him, he would want you to be happy and to share your love with another person especially if it benefited you and your child. Loss is not easy, I know this from personal experience but you need to first of all forgive yourself-yes as kooky as it sounds-then forgive your husband for leaving you and begin to live guilt free. I hope that helps.
2007-01-22 06:46:19 · answer #1 · answered by psychologist is in 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Champagne, condolences on the loss of your husband. I lost a son - such grief is terribly hard to bear and it takes years to process fully. The more you allow the process of grieving to flow and not get stuck, the easier and quicker it will complete.
Guilt is a normal part of grieving. Allow yourself to feel the guilt. Maybe go and see a psychotherapist, this is the sort of thing they are there for.
If you're scared to commit, don't commit! Discuss it with the man and explain your feelings. If he tries to push you too fast, he's not really the man for you and you may need to back off a bit. You are obviously a very loving woman. Just remember that love is a verb, not a noun.
As a therapist who has helped many people to get through this 'stuck' state, there may be more I could say or do to help. Please feel free to email me if you would like to.
Finally. There is nothing WRONG with you, Champagne. You are not bad or wicked for feeling what you're feeling. You're just stuck.
XX
Jon C
2007-01-22 07:15:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are very young still and have your whole life infront of you, many of us cannot slough off the guilt we carry around with us, however, this tells me that you are a very caring person, so allow this young man into your life, eventually you will see that your late husband would only wish for you and your child to be happy....... the quilt may well remain for years to come, speaking from personal experience it does tend to remain in the background..... this is human nature, ...but this new man may also be a good influence in raising your child.........give him a chance, give it a go, ...you are not being unfaithful to your late husband, life is much too short, make the most of it, this you should have realised when your husband died so young. Best of luck and much happiness to you all
2007-01-22 06:47:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know for sure because I have never been in this situation but if you started this new relationship in less than a year of him passing maybe you just weren't ready to enter a relationship. Is your child ready to let go of his father so soon too. It seems to me that no matter when a relationship ends (in your case death of your spouse) people are just so eager to find the love they had and afraid to spend some time alone. Perhaps your guilt stems from the fact that you really didn't resolve the feelings you still have for your husband. We all have our own recovery time from certain events that take place in our lives and perhaps you didn't give yourself enough time.
2007-01-22 06:42:38 · answer #4 · answered by paco 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry for your loss but congratulate you on finding some-one new to love.
I feel sure that if it were you that had passed on you would not want to think your husband was sitting mourning you for too long & wasting your life. You are still a young woman & you & your child have been given a fresh, new start. Your son will benefit from a father figure in his life & maybe even siblings in the future.
In my experience, there will be many people whom you thought were friends, & also some relatives, that will shun you for this. They will feel it is a betrayal but try to ignore them.
You are young, you loved him but he is gone. You will never forget him but you deserve to be happy.
Your husband would want you & your son to move on & live your lives to the full. Be happy.
2007-01-22 07:02:45 · answer #5 · answered by monkeyface 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I haven't only I know someone who went through what you are going through you shouldn't feel guilty you should move on you should think how your husband would want you to be happy oh yes well it's not that easy you will be told all of those things they are words you are the one with the emotions and for you it will be when you know it's the right time the only advise I would give you would be if this man is nice talk to him and tell him how your feeling if he is good he will understand and give you time Good luck am sorry about your loss take care
2007-01-22 06:37:19 · answer #6 · answered by Bernie c 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
i dont think its odd that you feel that way, some need more time than others. if your not comfortable to commit yet then dont. you arent on anybodies time schedule but your own. some of the "guilt" may stem from the way you feel about the new man with your son when it should be your husband. i dont think you can do anything about, eventually your rational and irrational emotions will blend and "settle" with some comfort. or at least without guilt.
2007-01-22 06:53:25 · answer #7 · answered by nodumgys 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is definately natural to love again, and also to feel the guilt you have after losing a spouse. I'm so sorry your husband died so young, but I bet that he would want you to move on and love again espeically for you and your son. Make sure your son knows that you will never 'replace' your first husband, but that you can have another man in your life to love just the same. I think that in time, you will overcome the guilt and grow to be happy again. Good luck!
2007-01-22 06:33:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
Champagne, I really think it may be too soon to begin thinking of a serious relationship. If you really like this guy, hang on, he may be able to help you heal over time... and right now time is what you need. Fear, apprehension and guilt may be all signs that your grieving is not done. If he truly cares for you he will be willing to lend a shoulder before he commits the whole enchilada. The main concept to gleen from this is that a bit of time should not hurt this relationship you have but rather enhance it as your healing takes place. Take some time - please, 11 months after your spouses death and then in a relationship is just too soon. I will pray for you, because the spirit is the hardest to heal.
2007-01-22 06:37:59 · answer #9 · answered by NewAger 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You have already moved on. Make sure you don't look back. You didn't kill your husband so guilt for what? For sharing his last few years, your husband will be grateful to you, more so as you are going to take care of his son. You have right to make best of your life, which is what you would have wished for him.
2007-01-22 06:55:15 · answer #10 · answered by mangal 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋