I suspect that my 15 yr old daughter is having unprotected sex. She refuses B.Control. What do I do?

Question

I've seen some emails and heard some of her conversations where she tells her boyfriend to bring a condom when they go out. We have a pretty open relationship but on this point, I think she's just not playing it safe. I'm not against sex... I'm just against unprotected sex. HELP HELP HELP... what do I do now??

Answer 1

If she's using a condom, the chances are she'll be okay. 15 is a pretty average age to start this nowadays. If your daughter is at a normal maturity level for a 15 year old, she knows what she's doing. I, uh, *cough* kind of started at that age too. I spoke to my mother and she took me to the family planning clinic to go on the pill. I trust my mother and she trusts me. As long as you know your daughter will come to you if she has a serious problem, try to relax. She may not want to go on the pill, but she's probably not stupid enough to not use a condom. Maybe pick up a bunch of literature on various birth control devices and facts on unprotected sex and leave them on her bed while she's at school? She'll get useful info, and if she doesn't want to bring it up with you she doesn't have to. She may just not feel comfortable going to a clinic with you - it takes a lot of courage to speak to your parents about something like that. If she has facts, phone numbers, and the address of a few places that can help her, the chances are good she'll get a friend and go by herself.

Just remember that there's no point forbidding it or trying to keep her in in the evening or something. If a teenager wants to explore the differences between boys and girls, nothing short of a leash, house arrest and an electrically charged barbed wire fence is going to stop them. About the best you can do is give them the knowledge and the means to help themselves, and hope they've got enough sense to look after themselves.

Edit: A lot of people are saying that 15 year olds don't know what they're doing. It isn't entirely true. Some 15 year olds haven't a clue, but most have sat through enough sex ed classes to understand the basics. They know how people get pregnant. They know what STDs are. They understand the meaning of underage sex, and they tend to be a lot more mature than people give them credit for. When I was that age most of my friends had fooled around a bit (even if they hadn't had sex) and they were with boyfriends who respected them. They knew peer pressure was stupid, they knew that having sex was a commitment. 15 isn't an age where people are entirely sensible at all times, but the average 15 year old has a brain and knows how to use it. Patronising them - "you aren't going to have sex under my roof young lady!" "you can't vote, you can't have sex" "you are not seeing that boy again" - is not going to make them obey. It'll make them rebel. Talking openly and honestly with your teenager will make them respect you and your wishes, and the chances are they'll feel able to come to you with problems and questions. It seems like the person who posted the question knows this, but some people who answered seem to have forgotten what it's like tp be young.

Answer 2

I agree with the last few people, don't listen to the a$$-holes on here. Like the first girl who said it's parents like you who let your kids get STD's and pregnant. It's not the parents fault. If you were the kind of mom who sat your daughter down and told her she can't have sex until she was married and whatnot, then she would most likely go out and rebel against you. My mom and I talked about stuff like this because I was 15 when I started sexual activity other than kissing. She was very sweet about it and just made sure I was being safe. You do need to sit your daughter down and let her know that she has to be safe everytime. Even if she is using condoms, that's not 100% effective. If she is like a normal teenage girl and pulls the whole attitude towards you for talking to her about it, give her time to cool off and then reassure her you are not trying to hurt her, only help her make the right choices before she regrets one mistake. Good luck and remember not to listen to the negative people.

Answer 3

I'm 15, and all these people who are against sex at this age, I agree 100%, but against it or not, it's reality people. I have MAYBE 5 friends that are not or never have been sexually active. And I don't hang out with "the wrong crowd" either ... it's just something that teenagers are experimenting with at a younger age nowadays.. So with that said, I agree in making sure that your teen is protected. Sit her down, and talk to her about it. Don't act like you're upset or punishing her, or she's going to rebel and do it more. Act like you care about what she's going through and as much as it may hurt you to hear the details- listen anyways. Tell her about the possible diseases she could easily contract and also about how easy it is to get pregnant at that age.
GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

Well you heard her tell her B/F to bring a condom right? It sounds like she IS having safe sex...another thing you can do is buy some condoms yourself and put them in her room...under her pillow or whatever.....and if you keep talking...she will eventually listen.....
oh, this is what worked for me....My mom and dad had their last child when i was nearly 17 years old...my Mom confided in me she didnt think she could get pregnant during her period - so they didnt use any BC...now at this point, my parents were in their late 30's, my mom was breastfeeding kid #3 at the time, had JUST started getting her periods back...so I know it must just have been a whacky cycle for her...but i was convinced that i came from a family of super-powered conceivers...and that i could get pregnant by sharing a Coke with a guy.....as it turns out, it is that easy for me to get pregnant....but i was ALWAYS very careful....i bought condoms for myself at age 16...and continued to do so during my marriage when my own husband was too embarrassed to do it! Maybe a story like that will scare her 'straight' Good luck!

Answer 5

You not against her having sex are you crazy you are giving her the bait she wants do to what she is doing. If you aren't against it then she probably thinks it is ok that is is not being safe about it. You are going to be a grandma very young and have a 15 yr old that is having a kid. Do something about it right now before it is to late you are not her friend you are her mom so be one.

Answer 6

Your not a very good parent if you say your not against her having sex at 15. Just give her the pills and she will take them since she knows that you are not against her having sex. Im guessing she doesnt want to get pregnant and im guessing that she knows that condoms is not 100% against getting pregnant.

Answer 7

Honestly...at 15 chances are she is having sex. If you wanna protect her from pregnancy...take her for the DEPO shot...one shot and it lasts for 3 months! If you wanna protect her from STDS...show her some graphic pics...she may think twice after that...one other suggestion is to buy condoms and leave them in a discreet location so she doesnt have to ask you for them. More than likely she'll use them if they're there...unless her BF is talking her out of it (some guys don't like them).

Answer 8

Just talk to her about it. Don't tell her not to do it because she will do it, if she's not already. Show her pictures of STD's and explain to her that if she doesn't protect herself she could get it. I lost my virginity at 15 and use to have unprotected sex. What made me wake up was when someone close to me died of AIDS. She contracted it from the father of her child, her then boyfriend and 8 years later, it claimed her life. Most children don't know if they have diseases because their parents never told them that they were born with it. I have someone else who has AIDS and passed it to her child, but she is trying to deny that she or her child have it, until her mom got full custody of the baby and took him for a check up. So explain to her that it is dangerous.

Answer 9

Good for you not being narrow-minded about the whole think!!! Better you get with reality than keep your head in the sand like some of the other people who have answered here!!!

Even though she is 15, she is still your kid and under your roof.... As much as I'm opposed to the Depo-shot (personal reasons)... take her into the doctor and watch him give it to her... I believe it lasts 3 months. Every 3 months take her back in and get the next dose.

Do whatever it takes... even if she doesn't like it.

Answer 10

I had to turn this around and think of your husband as myself...then I knew the answer. Because they matter so much to me I can overreact when my kids are in trouble, but I love them enough to do the right thing. I understand you dilemma. This isn't criticism ... I know you are reacting as someone who cares for them both but, ask yourself if not telling him is protecting her or yourself? He will be upset if you tell him, but he deserves to know. He may not ever know that you kept something so huge from him, but if he does YOU will be the one who he is angry & mean to. Adult people have to face unpleasant things. She is his daughter. This is an opportunity for him to do some good & appropriate parenting. His age when he impregnated her mother is irrelevant to his responsibility as her father. On the other hand his age when becoming a father could be a perspective he can teach from. She may really need his point of view. My own father rescued me from marrying a guy who was verbally abusive & a cheater by taking me to breakfast for a talk. It made a huge impression on me. That act on his part makes me love him. It was an opportunity he took to show me I had worth. This is an opportunity for your husband. He can be the kind of man she needs her dad to be for her. They could be closer for the experience. She could be acting out if she misses closeness with her dad. That happens a lot, girls needing affection from guys & then experiencing a feeling of rejection. You don't want her to live this cycle and your husband is the only one who can fix something like that. Not letting him deal with his daughters behavior would be wrong, keeping her at arms length from her dad at a time she needs him and you hold the control. Tell him as soon as possible. If he has time to cool down & think about what he wants to say it could play out better. I hope he can give her what she needs. He can tell her how much he loves her and that he is concerned for her safety. She needs to know that he thinks she is beautiful and worth waiting for the right guy. I know he doesn't want his daughter to have a STD (some are fatal) or see his daughter become a 15 year old Mom. Who do you think will assume the financial burden? I think the two of them need to weather this together. Tell your step-daughter that her behavior is dangerous to herself and others and you care for her but, telling her dad is the right thing to do. Parents do the right thing even if their kids will be angry. She will get over it. I wish you all well.