I have been friends with this woman since high school, she is a mess in general. She has had multiple engagements with men after weeks of knowing them, she drinks excessively, and she married this guy after knowing him for only a few months.
She has been married for 2 years and for the first 1.5 years of her marriage she wanted a divorce, cheated and tried to leave her husband. A few months ago she told me she was happy she never got pregnant by him and how she wasn't sure if they would remain married.
She found out me and some other friends of her are pregnant and she was VERY jealous and said she wanted a baby too. She called me up last night to tell me she got pregnant on purpose and is so happy we can hang out and be pregnant together!
She is my friend I keep at a distance, my husband and I don't hang out with her and her husband because of their lifestyle and rocky marriage.
What do I do? Her life is too chaotic for me!
2007-01-22 04:10:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
I suggest a friendship with boundaries.
Help her only if she needs it. If she can help herself, don't do it for her. If you do things for her, she will not learn to be responsible for herself... You can facilitate things, though; for example, if she's putting off getting a pregnancy checkup, you can say you'll remind her so she won't forget and/or come with her for moral support. If her house is dirty and she's putting off cleaning, you could come over and help her clean--always making sure that she is doing her half of the work--in exchange for her taking you both to the movies that night.
Be an example to her... live your life the way you would like her to live it. Don't hold it over her head that you're less impulsive than she is, though, because impulsivity is pretty much an inborn trait, and she's going to have to work much harder at becoming responsible than you ever did. Don't treat her as a charity case or a project, though; she's human, same as you. She probably has skills and interests you don't have, even if she's disorganized.
I agree with the first poster--she does probably need therapy. It's not as though she's a nut case; when I say "therapy", I mean the sort of therapy that teaches her the skills she needs to know to control her own life. I suspect ADHD in her case, if there's any diagnosis to be made.
If she does things impulsively, she may have trouble during her pregnancy. Things like drinking aren't a good idea when a very small person is depending on you; and you have to be constant about things like doctor's appointments and meals.
I think you might want to make a bit of an exception with her pregnancy, at least for the sake of the child. This kid is going to grow up with an unpredictable mom; and it will help if s/he has an "aunt" s/he can rely on.
If you are going to hang out with her--and I say you should--then do so in planned ways. Go on a picnic, go to the movies, go for walks (I've been told this helps to make pregnancy less uncomfortable by stretching your legs and lower back)... But plan what you're going to do before you do it. That way her chaos won't bother you so much.
Leave her husband out of it, if you can. You don't need his chaos on top of hers... Just make it a "girls' thing". After all, does her husband really want to sit around discussing morning sickness, frequent urination and Braxton-Hicks contractions? Thought not.
Don't try to control your friend, though; she's an adult and so are you. If you can take her along on stuff like pregnancy classes and exercise sessions and--if you can work the appointments right--prenatal checkups, then do it; because if she is quite likely to forget her appointments, be late or come on the wrong day. Her own chaos could add stress to the pregnancy that she doesn't need (and neither does the baby).
What is she good at? I know you probably don't want her watching your child; but when the baby is born she will need a sitter. Exchanging services is a good idea because it keeps her from charging you, while still not forcing you to give her something for nothing (see above--you don't want to do things for her that she can do for herself). Let's say she's got a talent for putting together outfits... Tell her you'll watch her kid for the night if she'll pick out something for you to wear when you next attempt to seduce your husband! Stuff like that...
You want her to get the point that a friendship means give-and-take; that's something most people know, but with her chaotic lifestyle, it may need to be more explicit.
2007-01-22 04:33:32 · answer #1 · answered by lisa450 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she is a person of poor character. I know you probably feel somewhat bad for her because she is such a mess but sometimes you have to decide whether a relationship like this is worth it. She is ignorant to get pregnant just because you are pregnant. Her child will grow up in a dysfunctional household and need therapy someday all thanks to her and her selfish frame of mind. Do you really think she is someone you should have in your life???
2016-05-24 17:56:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
your doing the wrong thing. someone who has those bad behavior problems and drug issues needs some one to LISTEN and BE there for them. take her out just you and her sometimes and JUST BE THERE. not be a "friend from a distance". i know because my brother is an addict. he's been getting better in strides after he lets his feelings out to me and vents with out JUDGMENTS or OPINIONS form. she obviously needs some one to talk to and be there to guide her with a positive path
2007-01-22 04:24:15 · answer #3 · answered by Natasha C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That woman needs a good friend. Try to get her into therapy. Good luck.
2007-01-22 04:15:17 · answer #4 · answered by elgil 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
JUST KEEP YOUR SPACE FROM HER. BE THERE FOR HER TO TALK TO AND LISTEN TO HER. THAT'S ABOUT IT, HOPE ALL WORKS OUT FOR HER.
2007-01-22 04:16:45 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋