How do you get through to someone who is an excuseaholic?

Question

How do you help someone improve their life who is addicted to excuses. Granted this person has excuses that have a factual basis but how do you go about helping them make the connection that being pro active and taking action to resolve problems is the answer and not offering knee jerk excuses for every thing?

What i'm asking is how would you talk to this person to get them to realize that excuses does not equal dealing with problems. What woul you say?

Answer 1

Well, you should understand that first of all, what comes across as an 'excuse' to one person is actually not viewed that way by the other, simply because of personality differences.

One of my children perpetually makes excuses, for example. To him, they are actually not exonerating guilt: He is simply bad at seeing that he has choices in how he want to react to something. He's generally a passive person and isn't very good at 'stepping outside of himself' and evaluating his own behavior. (On the MBTI, he classes as an ESFP type... and this type very commonly struggles with excuse-making.)

One of my other children (an INTP type) is the opposite: Because he is so good at stepping outside of himself and evaluating what he does and says, he often struggles with self-blame and isn't very good at making decisions at all, because everything seems like an excuse he's making. (In his case, I wouldn't mind if he'd forgive himself more or pass off a little of his "self-responsibility.")

So first I would caution you that this "excusaholism" can be a conscious problem or an unconscious one. Sometimes a person makes excuses purposefully because they do not like to experience guilt. Other times, the person simply has a very hard time realizing that, no matter how they FELT about something, or no matter what actually happened, they still had a choice in how to respond to it. They had the power to make a difference in what they did.

I think when the behavior is ingrained and unconscious, you will have to be patient (despite the frustration, I can empathize with you on that!) with them until they learn to see and accept their responsibility and freedom to choose.

Sometimes with my son, humor works better than admonishing him. If you can look at him in mock-challenge and poke fun at what he's saying (i.e., "You and I both know that what you're saying isn't true", or "You KNOW you did have ANOTHER choice in how to respond, right?"), then he will sometimes laugh and agree, and try to do better. If you argue with him, he will fight and deny everything.

Part of it is also suggesting alternatives. "Well, it's true that that happened and so you felt as if you had to respond that way; but can you think of some other possibilities for how you could have responded? What about...?"

Even if they continue to grouse and deny your suggestion, you are planting a seed. You need to keep watering and planting that seed, and hopefully (eventually) it will take root. Remember, you are training them to think in a way they are not used to; the more you walk them through "other potential options" they might have had, the more it becomes ingrained and the more they recognize options on their own.

And the more optimistically you can present their option to be proactive, the better. Everyone likes to feel some control and power. Waiting and responding to things without ever taking control is just a miserable way to live after awhile, you end up feeling trapped; and maybe you can connect with them on that level. Sharing examples of what you've done and how good you've felt in taking action rather than just waiting to blame someone else for things failing can inspire them.

Make no mistake, this is a long-term process. These behaviors don't change overnight, especially in the people who truly feel that they have no control and don't even recognize opportunities to be proactive. You will have to be patient and keep with things, even when you feel it's not fair to you or you just become frustrated.

Some people just have a very hard time changing, in this regard. Deal with them where they're at, and avoid feeling resentment as much as possible... (You'll just frustrate yourself, and no change will occur on the other person's part, unfortunately.)

Answer 2

OMG!!!! I am married to one! I love that word. I've never heard that term before. I know I'm not answering your question here, and not being helpful to you right now... I just had to tell you I'm taking this new word and running with it !Everyone will start using it. Sometimes when something has a name it's easier to get people to recognize things. Good luck to you. (and me too!)

Answer 3

i think it is a defense mechanism to ratioanalize your faults in order to reduce the stress and socail pressure on himself. It depends on what he is doing.. if the problems are between you and this person, maybe it would be better to invite him/her to a freindly lunch and tell what kind of behaviours distubs you in a good way. eevrybody uses defense mechanisms, we need them to find the inner balance of us, but sometimes it disturbs people or might cause unwanted consequences. i think talking and showing what you are unhappy might help.