First year of marriage question?

Question

My wife and I seemed so in love when we first met. Now it seems like we want to rip each other’s eyes out sometimes after this first year of marriage. It sucks I miss that really romantic part of our relationship and feeling loved by her. Is this just the adjustment phase or have we really fallen out of love? Sometimes I look at her and think "what was I smokin'?". I'm sure she does with me to.

Answer 1

Have you thought of a marriage counselor?

Answer 2

It's true, the first year is hard. I've been married for the second time for almost 8 months (we've been together for 14 months). My first marriage lasted 17 years, his for 21 years. We both have children from our previous marriages. We've been like teenagers since we started dating. But lately, life troubles have been getting in the way, and the adjustments are hard to make. He feels like my teenage daughters run the household, that there's not enough income, that I don't ever take his feelings into consideration, things like that. I feel that he's too strict (such as forbidding name calling even when your joking), we've consolidated but we're still right on the edge of the income, and I always try to see his side of everything, but my feelings and viewpoints don't matter to him. Remember, that may not be fact, it's just how I feel right now. I'm working hard to try to fix the first two problems, and that's all you can do.
1. Find the source of your problems.
2. Sit down and discuss what each of you thinks would fix the problems. (only tackle them 1 or 2 at a time if they're big)
3. Listen OPEN MINDEDLY to each other, and try to keep it calm. (there will probably be temper flare ups, but don't let either one of you leave unless it starts getting violent)
4. Work TOGETHER to fix your marriage. If only one is trying to hold it together, it won't stick, because the other will be pulling the other way.

If she's any kind of woman, she's missing the love and romance, too. All of this must be done out of LOVE not Anger. You both have to realize that you are two seperate people, trying to be one. There's got to be sacrifices of personal preferences from both sides.
Trying to help you, has helped me, considering the fact that we had our first big argument lastnight. We got everything out in the open and today is a better day. (Not fantastic yet, but better)
Maybe before you start with the talk, you should come in and give her some of that LOVE and ROMANCE that you've been missing, and tell her that you wnat that life back. THEN sit down for your talk. It thrills me to know that a MAN would miss the love and romance. Good Luck to you and to us all.

Answer 3

It is called getting comfortable and lack of impressions. Mature persons is who marriage is for, throughout your whole life you will go through changes, it wouldn't matter if you were with her or not but seems how you are the relationship as well will take on changes and take form but only into what you allow it to. I have to say your attitude doesn't sound like a healthy one for marriage. Love unconditonally - take the changes to make the marriage better it is there to do with it what you will and if it fails you are responsible. Communicate on every subject be best friends, if you can't have or won't find these things I'm affarid to say this will be a long, hard road and not so fun... But do what you will it's in your hands, you can either make it better, do nothing, never allow it to grow or be stagnate it's really all up to you. This is your first year! Good luck to you hope you have a change in heart and in mind before it's too late, each year that goes by in my marriage it only gets better - if you can't see yourself with her in 7 to 10 years then you need to find a way to truely love her - I think it is you with the problem not her...

Answer 4

The first year of marriage is always hard! My husband and I have been married for three years now, and things are much better. Think about it this way: you were two individuals and now you are married and need to give yourselves time to make adjustments. This means being willing to compromise! You cannot have everything your way and neither can she! Deal with one issue at a time or you will get overwhelmed. The biggest mistake my husband and I made was arguing, resolving the issue, but neither one of us was letting it go, and the same problem kept coming up over and over again! You have to agree that once the problem is solved, to let it end there! I believe that most arguments happen because one or both are being selfish and not thinking about their husband/wife's feeling, but only their own. Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 5

Have you sat down and talked with her about how you are feeling? Maybe she is thinking the same thing. You need to talk with her and if you think you have fallen out of love...then there is some serious talked to be made. Sometimes the first year is the hardest and then you just kind of fall into a trap of doing the everyday same old same old stuff.....dont let that be you. Spice it up a little bit. Only you two can change that and only you two can decided what is best. Talk with your wife...you wanted to marry her for some reason and you should still be able to have that communication. Hope things get better for you

Answer 6

Everyone has the right to be happy. I think our society has grown to nonchalant when it comes to marriage. People get married because it feels right and then at the slightest tinge of unhappiness, they proceed to divorce without any effort to honor the commitment they made to each other. With that being said, 22 years is a long time to be unhappy. And although it may seem as if she "isn't trying to work it out," she HAS been trying to work it out - apparently for 18 years. If she has been unhappy since you were 4, that is 18 years of attempted rehabilitation of her feelings and their marriage. After that many years of unhappiness in a life that she apparently held together for many reasons (she may cite her green card, but I bet it had a lot to do with the kids, the commitment, etc), she deserves an opportunity to be HAPPY and feel appreciated. The best thing you can do is support your parent's it what will likely be a tough process emotionally. You don't get a say in this; you are no longer a child. Be supportive of both; don't pick sides. And show them that although they are not together, their happiness is what is most important to you.

Answer 7

*laugh* I'm sorry I know you are confused and looking for help. I just wish I got even a nickel every time I heard that. Things changed once you got married, didn't they? At first the relationship was fun, it was playtime, you wished that magical feeling never ended, right? This woman seemed like the best thing that ever happened to you, didn't she? Than you get married and somewhere along the line you two start fighting, you do these things that you don't even know what's happening and she just starts ripping into you and you just aren't going to tolerate that from your wife, so you fight back. Before you two couldn't even see arguing with other, now it's almost a full time job keeping the peace, isn't it? Marriage is a lot of work. No matter how much you dated or whatever before you got married there are still things you don't know about each other and now you are not just living together, you are sharing your lives with each other and being able to live your lives together keeping each other happy because you both have things you want to do with your time, money, space the list goes on, well this is tough. When your wife has a want or need and she feels you are not receptive to what she is saying, she will start to fight with you and the same usually goes for the guy. You have to understand at first you two "wanted" to take care of each other and do little things for each other to make each other feel special. People just get lazy about that especially once they get married which makes you feel like you fell out of love. Start doing little things make her feel appreciated and see if she doesn't respond. Call her at work and tell her you love her and than say you can't wait to see her and than hang up, don't even let her say anything in return. Buy her some flowers and have them waiting for her @ home or send them to her work where she can show them off to everyone. That's a public display of affection, girls love that. I know how it is man, almost all of us go through the same thing. You either learn how to show affection even if you don't feel like it or want to or you two will fight and argue and you two will be miserable. Now that means that she needs to be mature enough and return your efforts. It's a two way street and you two need to work together to keep each other in love. It is a lot of work, I promise you, do not get lazy and the rewards are awesome! I know man, it gets tiring and it feels like you shouldn't have to do this but it's life, you need to do this if you want a successful marriage. A marriage with ANY woman will be like this, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Talk to your wife about this and tell her you want to work together on this so you two don't have to fight all the time and tell her you want to work together on loving each other because you married her and she is your wife. You must MEAN it though...see how she responds. Treat her like she is your best friend and only she can fulfill all your needs...I hope this helps man and keep your head up, you are not alone. This is everyone's first couple of years of marriage. You'll work it out :)

Answer 8

Oh my gosh, I remember feeling the same way. The first year is pretty rough, actually because there are a lot of wrinkles that need ironing out. It's normal.

Marraige is NOT like in the movies, the soap operas or anything else the media portrays. It's tough and fun and loving and hateful and everything in between.

Just like a car, boat, home, etc. needs maintenance, so does a marraige. Keep a sense of humor always and always take the other person's feelings into consideration.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Did you talk about plans, what you hoped to accomplish together b/4 the marriage? People think physical attraction is the basis for marriage, but that Cinderella life goes away and you need to really love and respect each other. You can get counselling, but If you all are too selfish to put your individual lives aside and act as one, then no one else is going to be able to help. If you spend all your time together, it's easy to get on each other's nerves. My wife and I have pursued common goals for 25 years; not everyday is heavenly bliss, but we respect each other and allow some room for imperfections.

Answer 10

It's an adjustment no doubt. Try something romantic one night jsut to see if it changes things for one day. It seems like alot of times, during that first year, you take each other for granted. Time to change it up.

Answer 11

maybe you two need your own spaces? just because you are newly married doesn't mean that you have to do EVERYTHING together. you get your own activities and she gets hers. maybe you two need a little space (not to the point of separating and moving out) but just a little breathing room. you did not give enough information so i am only guessing here. also...you two will have to learn how to communicate with each other. pick your battles. everything doesn't have to be a fight. but you can agree to disagree. remember...just because you are married doesn't mean that you have to agree on everything. you two are still two completely different people and will remain that way until you die. but you have to respect her differences and she will have to respect yours. learn to work together. find a way. maybe you two just need a few days with your own activities (hanging out with your own friends, doing what you like, she does what she likes...no cheating) so that you can come back toghether and iron out issues without coming to blows. try to keep your temperature. if you find yourself getting angry again...just simply tell the other that you are getting angry and that you need a few minutes to cool off. i know that for me...i cannot think straight when im angry (no matter how much i try). also...keep in mind that in this relationship...nobody is right and nobody is wrong.