My wife and I married about a year ago and are still trying to blend my 2 kids, her daughter and deal with in laws and ex. wife. Needless to say it’s been very tough. We started out very strong and it’s been going down hill with the difficulties and how tough we didn’t realize it would be. I would hate to throw in the towel after all we’ve gone through and built for the kids that have already experienced pain, loss, and suffering. Our problem center around a few things and a big one is that we tend to gravitate back to me and my kids and her and her child when we argue. It’s like the safety net. Is that normal? Also she has a problem with my daughter because she is like my ex. wife and she doesn’t like her. I have a problem with her daughter because she has been an only child and loves it when her mom fights with me because she gets all the attention. Personally even though my wife doesn’t think so, I think my stepdaughter is an attention hound and viscous to my daughter because she’s been an only child. It’s just very difficult and I would hate to divorce and just need some encouragement from folks who have blended families. I need some encouragement that things will get better in time as we figure things out. The first year of marriage is tough not considering marrying into already made families with problems. Our arguing has created hurt feelings and our children have built up some resentment. I feel like giving up sometimes and starting over but deep down I know I have to make this marriage work. Love doesn’t come easy and I do know that we still love each other even though we are battle weary.
2007-01-22 02:51:55 · 8 answers · asked by golf4everdude 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You & your wife are the adults! You both have to come to an agreement and understanding that arguing between the two of you will not go on informt of the children no matter what it is about! This will help a great deal! Leave the house go for a walk something, never do it infornt of the children this only creates side taking and will lead to confrontations between the children. Have controlled arguments outside away from the house! Next - The two of you have to agree to agree when it comes to the children if you need to talk about it before decisions are made then do it privately without there help and ears. This shows the children you are a strong couple, make decisions together and you have a bond type of wall that they can not tear down. All decsions should be made together and a compromise shall be met when you can't agree on something once that task is done then take it to the children. You may have to set the children down and tell them things are changing! Don't say to them things are "about" to change b/c the motion has already been set and the changes have already taken place by this time after talking with your wife about the improvments how you need to have things between you and your wife. Explain to the children that you know it's been tough but as time goes on things will relax, by now evereyone should have adjusted to the living arrangements, the important thing here is that they understand you two are the adults and the only ones laying down any laws, even though this is a family it is also a new marriage and you and her would expect that they will honer and support the time you and her need as well as a married couple, explain to them the more responsiblie they are and the more mature they are will only help everyones living arrangements. Next - You and your wife have to remember that one day none of these children will be living with you two, they're all going to grow up some day and move out and the day will come before you know it but the corner stone of your marriage has got to remain strong b/c those will be the times you and her as a married couple will enter into a different phase of the realtionship look toward these days on the days your children have you at your wits end. Find the happy medium put your foot down and treat all children as though they are your own and she as well has to do this with yours. Hope this helps. It will get easier just as soon as you and her take back the order...
2007-01-22 03:35:16 · answer #1 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing you both have to do is stop feeling guilty for your divorces. Alot of people feel as though since they divorced they need to protect their children form the slightest criticism. The kids arent stupid, they dont like the fact that dad is with a new woman and vice versa. They know how to push buttons and they see it causes problems between you and your wife. Sit down with her and both of you agree that you are a team and the next time a dispute starts move closer together instead of apart. Make a commitment to teach by example what a real loving relationship between a husband and a wife is like. Lastly the two of you will never fully agree on how to disipline the kids. But both of you can demand of your own children that will be respectful of your new spouse when yhey are under your roof. You may be surprised when the kids see you two in a loving happy relationship and want to be part of it.
2007-01-22 03:06:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Living together with all concerned should of been done before marriage vows were vowed.
You and she both have to START loving each others children!!
Either try family counseling and/or start having you spend quality time alone with her's and her with your's. Getting to know each others children should of been number 2 in the relationship.
Your wife has to realize it's not your childs fault she's like her mother. Maybe your wife needs to grow up some??
IF there is agruing, take it to the car, for a ride or some place outside of the house. IF the kids aren't happy with your 2's decision, they will continue to try and play you both and the agruments against both of you or to their advantage. IF the kids aventually see that they have NO impact on causeing you grief and anger, they just may seem to start respecting and loving the relationship too!
2007-01-22 03:09:27 · answer #3 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would seek family counseling...FAST. You need to remember that long after those kids are gone and living their own lives, you and your wife will still be there. OR...you can be alone if you chose to give up. Don't allow your kids to ruin your marriage, as it should be your first priority. This will require a united front, and perhaps some tough love. Good luck!
2007-01-22 03:02:31 · answer #4 · answered by Bev 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may need counseling and help for this situation and you may need to meet halfway on this with her as well. Whatever you do do not argue or disagree in front of the children. Do not give up and work at your marriage. Blended families are hard and take work... Check out these sites and ask them for help.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
2007-01-22 02:58:50 · answer #5 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To survive you must be on the same page. You really need counseling. All of you do. It takes alot of work and you need someone that can be objective. Someone outside of the problem to help. You need to learn to be a family. Joining together doesn't make one. Hard work from all is needed. Lots of luck.
2007-01-22 03:02:53 · answer #6 · answered by jan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, definitely don't let the kids know when you are fighting. wait until they are either asleep or not there. also try family counseling. step kids can cause a bit of a problem but i say stick it out and consider counseling.
2007-01-22 03:00:32 · answer #7 · answered by butter_cream1981 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow---been there and done that...didn't work--got divorced...and one thing I have learned I WILL NEVER EVER GET INVOLED WITH A MAN WHO HAS CHILDREN LIVING IN HIS HOME...yikes...sorry can't help u...divorce was the only way for the betterment of me and my daughter
2007-01-22 03:32:50 · answer #8 · answered by sunbun 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋