How can I cope with my miscarriage?

Question

I had a miscarriage last Thursday. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant (did not need a D&C). I am absolutely devastated. I wanted this baby so badly. I just don't understand why this happened to me (or to so many good people in this world). I am a good person, eat very well, very healthy, don't drink/smoke, and exercise (in moderation). The physical pain of the miscarriage was great, but not in comparison to the emotional one. This was my first pregnancy. It is hard not to blame yourself or think that this is a punishment of some kind for something you've done. I will be so scared in my next pregnancy. I don't know if I could deal with this again. My doctor said I could wait until I get one period and try that month. I think the bleeding will stop today. But I read that sometimes you should wait 2-3 months. Which one is it? But most importantly, how did you get through this? Sorry for the long email, but I really need all the support I can get. Thank you.

Answer 1

People cope in many different ways. You just need to be patient with yourself and find yours.

Miscarriages are almost always the result of a chromosonal problem with the baby...either from the mother OR the father's DNA. 90% of miscarriages at 5.5 weeks are blighted ovums, which means that the egg was fertilized causing a positive pregnancy test, but that a baby and a heart never developed.

A miscarriage usually NEVER has anything to do with anything the mother did or didn't do unless she is taking heavy drugs, or injury.

I am a foster care social worker, and I know crack whores who have had 8 kids in as many years....it isn't fair and it has NOTHING to do with how good a person you are.

Lots of my friends have had them and gone on to be happy healthy mommy's later. Your chances of having it happen again are only slightly higher than anyone else.

The time you should wait depends on how pregnant you were, and how high your levels were.....your doctor knows best. My friend was 16 weeks and had to wait 6 months....she didn't and suffered horrible post partum depression with it....my other friend was only 6 weeks, waited a month and was fine.

Good luck my sad sister. I'm so sorry!

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for you......First off, just know that you *will* get through this. The human spirit is so strong. I had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy around 10 weeks and it too was absolutely devastating. I was sooo excited and had already started bonding with the baby. Most people just don't realize how much you bond with the baby in such a short time. Even losing a baby after being pregnant for one day would be hard! Anyway, please know that you didn't do anything to cause this to happen. Don't blame yourself -- it's also not a punishment. It's just something that happens, and more often than you think. Most people go on to have healthy pregnancies. (I started trying after I got my period) I got pregnant 5 months later and now have 6 year old twins. I'll always remember that first pregnancy. You really don't forget it, but the sadness fades. I also miscarried after the twins, which I think about also. But the first miscarriage was hard, no question about it. Just hang in there, keep on trying, and trust your own strength. I think you will gain strength from the longing you have to have a child. It definitely makes you and your partner very clear that this is what you want. And don't be scared about getting pregnant again. You'll do fine. I'll be pulling for you!

Answer 3

More than likely because you miscarried so early, that is why its okay to try again so soon. For people who had to get a D&C, they are usually advised to wait up to 6 months, in order to heal physically and emotionally.

Miscarriage is difficult no matter how far along you are. I can't say I can relate. But I try not to think about it. I try to look forward not backward. Sometimes it can happen to perfectly healthy couples for no reason, other times there might have been something wrong developmentally.

My friend miscarried at 11 weeks. She tried again and has a beautiful 1 year old baby boy and she's expecting another. Don't worry about your fertility and don't worry about the outcome of the next pregnancy. Just take it day by day for now.

I'm very sorry and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

First of all, I am sorry about your loss. I can relate although my situation was far different. I was raped on my 22nd birthday and ended up pregnant. I happened to have a grand mal seizure and a positive pregnancy test showed up in my blood work.

My initial thought was an abortion (before you get upset and stop reading this because I mentioned abortion I will tell you now that I didn't have one.) because I didn't think I could emotionally deal with having a child conceived of rape and also my doctor told me that it would not be healthy for me to have a child and that I should terminate the pregnancy. My partner (I'm a lesbian) and I kept going back and forth over what to do. I ended up having a miscarriage the doctors think 2 weeks after conception but I was bleeding for a month.

Even though I thought about abortion and the pregnancy was the result of rape I still am having a difficult time about the miscarriage. I find that talking to friends and a good doctor helps a lot. You might need to be put on an anti depressant for a short time to help you to cope. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

I really understand where you are at right now. I lost one about 3 weeks after finding out I wasnt pg from a dr's office- and come to find out i was about 2 months along! I was really hurt, but what made it worse was that there was no support system there for me. I did it alone.

What you need to do is surround yourself by caring friends and family. Seek out some counseling from your local pregnancy resource center (its free there) or your own therapist.

It doesnt matter what you do, what type of person you are or how you treat your body. If the pg wasnt meant to be, it wasnt meant to be. You never fully will understand why it happened, nor should you blame yourself. There is a reason for everything.

I would wait until you feel comfortable trying again for another baby. there is no set time for that though. it is totally up to you. Also, if you do become pregnant again- and if it is close in time to the miscarriage- your doctor may want to put you on some type of rest or see you more frequently until you get into your second trimester.

Sorry honey for your loss. It will get better- your feelings about the loss wont change, but it will get better. Just know you did nothing wrong and when the time is right for you to carry a baby to term, then you will!

Pray on it!

Answer 6

A miscarriage is a sign that something was not just right with the baby and thats a good thing that it miscarried. Would you want a bany that has a disformity of some kind? Lots of women have miscarriages and go on to have many healthy children. I had a miscarriage, my first pregnancy and believe me, I did not grieve because I knew it was nature's way of telling me something was wrong so it was fine with me. I did not see it as losing a full term baby, I thought it as being a substance that was not developing the way that babies are supposed to grow. I am relieved that it happened and that I didn't bring a child into the world that would need long term care and would be subjected to a life in a wheelchair or worse yet. I went on to have 3 healthy kids and I don;t even think about the miscarriage now. Your doctor will tell you how long to wait and I'm sure that soon you will be losing much sleep as you care for your baby. Good luck dear and please know that you will get through this.

Answer 7

I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks in 2005 and i was so heartbroken. Even though it was a surprize (i did not even know i was pregnant) and when i went to the er i found out i was pregnant but miscarrying in the same sentence that the doctor gave me. Yes it does hurt and it will hurt you for a while, you just have to take it day by day. My doctor told me to wait 2 months before trying to get pregnant again. I know though now i done nothing wrong that i did not cause it to happen.

Why do miscarriages occur?
The reason for miscarriage is varied, and most often the cause cannot be identified. During the first trimester, the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality - meaning that something is not correct with the baby's chromosomes. Most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a faulty egg or sperm cell or are due to a problem at the time that the zygote went through the division process. Other causes for miscarriage include (but are not limited to):

Hormonal problems, infections or health problems in the mother
Lifestyle (i.e. smoking, drug use, malnutrition, excessive caffeine and exposure to radiation or toxic substances)
Implantation of the egg into the uterine lining does not occur properly
Maternal age
Maternal trauma
Factors that are not proven to cause miscarriage are sex, working outside the home (unless in a harmful environment) or moderate exercise.

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcgettingpregnantagain.html
How can I survive my pregnancy loss?
Respect your needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal. As you work through this difficult time:

Reach out to those closest to you. Ask for understanding, comfort and support.
Seek counseling to help both yourself and your partner. You don't have to face this alone.
Allow yourself plenty of time to grieve and the opportunity to remember.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsurvivingemotionally.html
(So sorry for your loss)

Answer 8

Hi there i lost my first baby at 22 weeks, i don't drink or smoke nothing like that and i was very frustrated by this. However 4 months later i got pg again and i have since gone on 2 have 4 more healthy kids 2 try not not 2 stress as at the min there is no reason y u can't go onto have a healthy baby. Good luck and the pain will ease in time.xx

Answer 9

First thing -- it's not your fault. Miscarriages happen very frequently, many times for reasons that are just unknown. Don't blame yourself for something you had no control over.

My wife and I have had our share of heartache. Several miscarriages, one at 18 weeks. And then a preemie, born over 3 months early, and he was with us for a month before we had to say goodbye. Why did it happen to us? We don't know. It doesn't make sense to think it is a punishment. We're not saints, but then again we're not evil people either. Many people in this world do evil things yet are not "punished". So it's hard for me to even conceive of it being a punishment. I don't think things work that way, as if there is a vengeful god up there waiting to strike us down.

How did we get through it? You can't really plan how to get through it. Getting through it is a daily process, sometimes an hourly process. There were times when our preemie was hanging on to life by a thread that we didn't know how we were going to get through the day. But we did. And we he passed away, again we felt like it was impossible to go on. But at those times, you begin to realize you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Take things as they come and don't try to deal with the future before it happens. And always remember and reaffirm to yourself that (1) it's not your fault, it was out of your control, and (2) you're not being punished. Things happen in this world, for whatever reason, that we will never understand.

I know it may be hard right now, but try to be positive about the future. You'll get through it. You're doing the right thing about looking for support. Ask your doctor or hospital about miscarriage support groups, they are out there and they may be really helpful for you. I'm really sorry for your loss. I wish the best for you.

Answer 10

Having gone through several miscarriages myself, I can sympathize. It's true that we know it is not our fault, but one can't help but blame themselves for it. Just remember that you did not do anything to cause this, unfortunately, it is something that happens to many women. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, you become attached to the baby so you are extremely justified in feeling such pain. You have suffered a great loss and only time will make it hurt less. As for trying again, do what feels right. If you are still too sad next month, give yourself time. If you are feeling depressed, hold off, as the extreme change in hormones will just make your depression worse. Take your time, relax, and know that it's not your fault, and that you are not alone. I wish you luck in conceiving, and I want you to keep your hopes up...my past difficulties were sad (my worst miscarriage was at 4 1/2 months), but the site of my daughter everyday helps ease the pain. Good luck!