We have been married 10 years and have 3 lovely kids, a great home and good income. Since Xmas she has been acting distant and last week dropped the bombshell that she no longer loves me. She also said she has been feeling like this for 2 years!! I'm devastated as she is my world. Since the last of our kids was born 7 years ago, our sex life hasn't been too good and every time I have tried to talk to her about it and concentrating on spending time on 'us' she has refused, yet would bend over backwards for anybody else. We both have busy careers, I work shift work, and of course the kids have loads of activities which eats away lots of our time. She has recently become very ambitious with her career and wants to progress as quickly as possible. She is also buying herself new clothes, getting fit (she's stunning anyway!!) and going out with friends (without her wedding rings on which really upsets me!!). I feel that I'm a broken person and don't know wher to turn. Any advice please??
2007-01-22 01:23:31 · 22 answers · asked by Paul R 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Dont get advice from here, nobody knows you personally. Hope you have a good friend to confide in.
2007-01-22 01:30:01 · answer #1 · answered by Claire 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The wedding ring is a sign. See it, accept it.
Mine fell for her personal trainer. Its not a good sign when your wife spends more time at the gym than at home.
Four things contributed to our demise:
Alcoholism, fitness addiction (a form of anorexia), infidelity and financial irresponsibility. I did all I could to reel her back but
she had already made up her mind.
Get a lawyer and collect all the bank statements now.
Then start documenting your relationship with your kids
- photos, videos, school contacts, friends, neighbors,
relatives. Find all the check registers too, to show how
all your family's money is spent and who is spending it.
It is hard to let go, but if she's taken off her ring and has
told you she doesn't love you, there is not a good chance
for reconciliation. Offer counseling, make an appointment, and go if she accepts.
Many churches, of all types, offer divorce recovery groups
where videos are shown, and then group discussion follows.
These groups really help, and will show you that you are not alone. Many also have programs for the children at the same time. Where I live, there were more divorces than marriages in 2006.
Never speak about your wife in a bad way to your kids. Never tell them anything about the pending divorce. Just love them, and assure them that you are not divorcing them and that you will always be there for them. Also make sure they understand its not their fault. Don't let them imagine that they can somehow get you two back together. Every kid wants to think they can bring their parents back together. Don't give them false hope. Just do normal things with them that you always do. Kids are resiliant, they will adjust. Many of their friends are probably living in single parent homes.
Do not follow your wife around pressing for answers, or reconciliation. Do not send e-mails to her or her family. Just accept it. If she keeps a journal , then you will have to answer to anything she writes about the time after you've filed until it is final.
Change your bank account now. Get your name off of any joint credit cards before you officially file. Put her car in her name only if possible. And above all, if you want any kind of custody of your kids, do not leave the home and move out. There is no law on abandonment, but it still looks bad if you leave. It will be hard living under the same roof, but its normally a minimum of 6 months.
Don't look to find someone else too fast. You will need time to heal. Don't bring a heavy heart into a new relationship. Its not fair to her, or yourself.
If she is an alcoholic, find your local Al-Anon family support group. There, you will find the courage to change, and make your life more manageable. And you will learn that you can't change anyone who doesn't want to change themselves.
Be the plaintiff instead of the defendant. File for divorce before
she does.
2007-01-22 01:56:09 · answer #2 · answered by Kenny 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she says she doesnt love you there isnt a lot you can do about it.People often drift apart when they both have busy careers,they find new friends and new interests outside the marriage and put their spouse and kids to the back of their mind as "another part of their life".It is sad but you have to take each day as it comes and get by somehow.She may feel that having brought up 3 kids she is now becoming a person in her own right and not just some-ones mum or some-ones wife and if her job is successful it has given her the confidence to "break away" from her otherwise boring routine.It may be that she thinks the grass is greener on the other side.Whatever the problem is it will resolve itself sooner or later,so just try to get on with things and keep your Chin up!
2007-01-24 21:40:39 · answer #3 · answered by bevalou 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am really sorry to hear this. The 10-12 years of marriage timeframe is a very crucial time in marriages and some people become weak and give in to temptations around this time. Perhaps I am wrong but from personal experience it sounds like she has allowed someone else to have an emotional hold on her which takes away from her being emotionally attached to you and your children like she should be. There is someone else in her life and to downplay that she will start saying she has been unhappy for awhile and soon she will start this phase where she will start finding fault in things you do. It is bizzare and totally out of character but that is what could be happening. Some of the things you mentioned like her not wearing her ring, buying new clothes and getting fit are signs of cheating. I know it hurts. It is awful. Talk with her, seek Christian Marriage Counseling together and pray about it. Goodluck to you.
2007-01-22 02:00:36 · answer #4 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Confront her-say do you really want to chuck away everything we have together, break up our family and scale down to live apart (Sell house?) or- shall we see a counsellor and try to save our marriage? Impress on her that you respect, love and value her, that you understand her need to be fulfilled in her job but that the family should be priority for a few more years. Ask her to let you join in her social life, and her, yours- if you have one! Insist that she lets the world know she is a wife and mum-whether she likes the fact just now,or not. Get to know her friends and get some feedback from them. Is she just restless-or-is there someone else? You have a right to know the truth. Get Good Help- You need it!! Oh, and it doesn't neccessarily mean that love can't be rekindled- it can ebb and flow . Give love a chance- don't assume it's gone for ever. Come back here & tell us if you've found a counsellor & if she's willing to give it a go. Good luck!
2007-01-22 04:39:00 · answer #5 · answered by k9mudlark 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also dropped that bombshell on my hubby-x-mas day.Your wife sounds exactly like me- I hope your wife is not cheating on you or in love with someone else-have you asked her? That was my problem, I thought I wanted someone else-he turned out to be a real idiot. But your wife might just be feeling like she is overwhelmed with-job,kids and life. I would let her have a little space-but tell her how you feel-and do not let the "no" wedding ring thing fly. Try and win her love back, my hubby and I just went to a hotel overnight and it was so wonderful-just surprise her-don't give her the option of saying no. And I highly recommend seeing a marriage therapist-we just started seeing one-it has all ready helped-just an idea. Good luck I hope your wife wakes up before it's to late.
2007-01-22 01:41:38 · answer #6 · answered by honeygirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why does she feel this way? Talk with her and have her tell you why..... What made her fall out of love with you and what can you and her do to try and rekindle that feeling of love and bring the marriage back together. You may need marriage counseling here and one of you may need to cut back on your hours at work to be at home more with the kids and be there more for the other person when they get home from work... Seems to me like you have become distant and strangers because of the working situation and hours. Seems like you both have put more time and energy into others and working instead of into your marriage and kids. You should and must make marriage and kids your priority and not these other things. I am here if you need to talk about this as well...
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
2007-01-22 02:08:33 · answer #7 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am in much the same boat.
Keep your head up and don't let her know you are a mess.She is probably doing the same.
Give her space and time and if there is anything left to save in your marriage then councelling will be the route to go.
Make sure you do everything you can for your kids as they pick up a lot more than you think. It will also help your wife to have time to herself to reflect on what she has done and if she is doing the right thing.
At the end of the day be prepared that it is over and move on.There is no point in hanging on to a relationship that is dead.
Good luck
2007-01-23 03:25:12 · answer #8 · answered by head up guy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm really sorry Paul but if it does sound like you have grown apart and she wants different things. Have you asked her if she wants to stay married to you, because as frightened as you may be of her answering no, there is no point for either of you in staying in an unhappy marriage if there is no chance of making it work. When you say she refused to talk, how did you approach her? Try again to calmly talk to her about it because you sound like a nice guy and deserve to know where you stand. Hope things work out for you and don't forget to look after the children in all this, they don't understand things like this and often think it's there fault, so give them lots of reassurance if they are aware of the situation.
2007-01-22 01:38:09 · answer #9 · answered by Jackie S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Damn that would definitely hurt and I just hope that wont happen to me and my wife especially right at this moment where our relaitonship is very very volatile. We are seeking counselling at the moment and maybe that should help you guys out as well. Try to talk to her about doing that before she finalise what she really wanted. If not, maybe you need some counselling for you to accept the fact that it is over. Thats what Im going to do if ever we dont work out.
Good luck.
2007-01-22 16:23:37 · answer #10 · answered by Macky 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is probably seeing someone or trying to find someone. I can't believe a women under any stress in a marriage except abuse, would want to throw away 10 yrs and the father of her children. I would say try everything you can. Get a marriage counselor and maybe with out her knowing and take her there. I am really sorry for your sistuation, hope everything works out. good luck!
2007-01-22 01:41:14 · answer #11 · answered by mamato5Boys 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋