How do you cope with grief...?

Question

After losing a loved one unexpectedly?

Answer 1

I dunno how your loved one "went" away but I lost my father in mid december 2005, he commited suicide. Why he ended up doing it is a long story but I'll say at least that in late 2004 he had a heart valve transplant which went well at first. After a few months he began having lungs problems and a lot of pain due to his chest bones that were not healing well, to a point where only coughing would make him fall on his knees. He was an active man, scouting the woods for special pieces of wood to carve, plants to collect, fishing, etc... he was only 66.

He lived some 300km from me so I didn't had the chance to see him as often as I would have liked and when he died it took my brother and I totally by surprise because he was liking his new home and surroundings and that he seemed happy. My dad was everything to me and it was a tremendous loss for me.

I know it will sound like a "cliché" but besides letting time pass, there's not much that can be done. The only thing I could hold to and that made me take it on a positive side was that I knew he didn't suffered anymore, that his pains, physical and emotional, had ended at last.

My advice to you? Don't focus on your loss and pain only, try to think what that person would have said to you, to move on with your life. Try to remember the nice times you had together and the happy moments you shared, not the drama of the ending. One way or the other, death is a fact of life, we're all going to go through this one day. Talking about it is also a way to exorcise what you feel deep inside, some feelings are better shared than trying to forget about them because one day they will return, probably stronger, and in the meantime they will slowly eat you from the inside. It's okay to display your pain and it's normal that you may want to talk about it. Don't be ashame, you're far from being the only one in this situation and it is quite normal to feel the way you feel.

You have my sympathy.

Answer 2

I think everyone is different. You deal how you can. I became obsessed with death, I read books on funerals and how they are done. It was weird. I also became very paranoid about someone else I loved dying unexpectedly.

What helped me cope was going to a grief counselor, he wasn't any good, but the act of going made me feel better because it was a step in the right direction. What helped me more than that was reaching out to the rest of my family and becoming closer to them. You try to find a way to make their death not in vain, you want your relationships to be closer because you lost them, you want your life to be more meaningful because you lost them.

I also read several books on grief and lost specifically on the lost of a sibling since that is who is was in my case. Those helped because they validated how I felt.

By the way, I was 27 and it was my 18 year old brother that died from an accidental overdose. He was just young and stupid. He was arrested and apparently swallowed some drugs, the police stuck him in a holding cell for hours alone and they never knew he was even sick till they tried to open the door and he was laying dead in front of it.

Answer 3

One day at a time don't drug it away don't deny it away, let it come and feel it and try to understand that there are going to be some happy times in between there too, and that there is no set time table to get over this or get over that. It can hit you when you least expect it. You can have emotions that are from it and take them out in unexpected ways and times.

Let it in and cheerish it and build from it and be happy too. It is okay to cry and laugh and feel and love and hope and dream and re-organize and memorize what ever you choose to, but a mental health professional should not be allowed to tell you how to do that nor expect that they have the right to do that either.

Breathe in and breathe out and check to see what your body is telling you from time to time and listen to it and when it is telling you some thing you may not want to hear listen anyways and if it is appropriate for you then accept it and if not then change it.

Answer 4

One day, one minute at a time.
It's the worst situation possible.
The Bach Flower remedy Honeysuckle is absolutely brilliant to take as well.
And talk to people. Don't become reclusive.
It will get better, slowly.
Good Luck, you're not on your own.

Answer 5

I know it sounds cheesy, but I promise you I have been there. You just have to give yourself time. If you can't take it day by day, then take it hour by hour. Sometimes medication can help get you over the initial shock and devastation. It will get better, but honestly, it may take a long time. I will remember you in my prayers.

Answer 6

You breath in and out and take one moment at a time and some day the pain will ease a little.

Answer 7

Try to make ur mind in something else. n try to avoid talking about or doing anything that is related to ur beloved one. u will recover sooner from the grief

Answer 8

i cry and i dont alow myself any poor feelings about that person ever again that person becomes a saint to me and not i or anyone well be alowed to say anything bad about that person weather what they say is right or wrong .

Answer 9

It takes time.
Talking to people about her/him helps.

Answer 10

by being optimist