Advice on alcoholic partner please?

Question

My boyfriend took me out for saturday night 35 miles from home. We had a good time until he got what he calls a "hit" from drinking red wine and then he becomes hell bent on creating a argument with me over something I have supposedly done that is wrong, this time, about me speaking to other men at work, then he told me to f off and he left me in this strange town to drink on his own for 8 hours. He called me at home at 2 am to get his dad to drive and collect him, he was covered in vomit and had been stumbling around drinking on his own in bars. I am 28 and we are not married, I have tried helping him with this for four years. He admits the next day when sober it is his fault and he creates an argument to go drinking then expects me to forgive him because he says sorry. He doesnt understand that i could end it and not help him anymore. He went to AA but only once. Anybody else had this in a relationship and moved on without it messing with your head? I feel really low and alone.

Answer 1

Left one very similar to that. Too scary similar. I was about your age too. It messed with me for a little while. But in the end I was better for walking away while I still had some sanity. Basically you have to change everything so he cannot contact you. I know it is hard but it will be worth it!

Answer 2

Have you gone to any ala-non meetings? Do you have a friend who could be a support for you-when you go to the meetings, like drive you there, etc.? Do you have any child(dren) by this man? If not, and even if you did, I request very strongly that you get away from him-As Soon As You Can! Has he ever been violent with you? I hope not, but he sure talks mean-and like he could get that way. It sounds like he is in desperate need of counseling (on his own) and it sounds like you could use some counseling on your own as well. My father was an alcoholic from when I was about 14 yrs. old till I was 20-he drank daily. Thankfully, he was otherwise a very responsible man-worked, came home to drink, and limited the amount of time and liquor he drank. My Mom and I went to ala-non meetings once a week, and when he decided he had a problem, he checked into a rehab place for detox, etc. Successfully too! The thing that concerns me-is your boyfriend saying he is sorry-and still going out to drink. Why does he feel he needs to start a fight to give himself the okay to go out and get so drunk? Plus, you have said something along the line of messing up your head-it sound like at least there is verbal abuse going on-so what if you talked to another guy? Is he that insecure that he can't handle that without a fight with you? Please, please, please, go to an ala-non meeting in your area as soon as you can. If need be, have a girlfriend take you "out for a girls night" of "shopping" or something, if you feel you need a cover up. You will NOT feel low and alone after - you will find that there are others in the same boat-or very similar to what you are going thru. Plus, the more often you go, the better you will feel, and even feel and notice you can think more clearly about the situation. You do have the right idea-of leaving him and this relationship. I'm sure you care deeply for him-or you wouldn't have put up with it at all. Ala-non should be listed in the front pages of your local phone book. If not, please call information for the number. Wishing you the best! Take care.

Answer 3

I've been on the end where your boyfriend is. I ruined two engagements because of my party life. I got so bad that I told my family to call me every two weeks if I didn't call them. For you, I would recommend you leave him. You can't "cure" your boyfriend. Only he can do that, and each time he's sober he's going to be all apologetic and "promise not to do it again". Don't believe him! He will "mess with your head" as long as you allow it. Drunks and addicts (I was once) are very manipulative. He will bend and shape you to feel sorry for him. You will turn into what is called "an enabler". You'll start making excuses for his behavior to someone else just to cover for him. His Dad is an enabler for driving out to get him. I'd make him sleep in an alley then find his way back. He will realize what a mess he has become once people back off from him and let him wear his own puke. He has low self-esteem. That's why he wants to find little things to fight over with you. You are his target because you fall for his lines. Stand up straight. Tell him he is on his own until he finds help. His Dad isn't helping him either. Again, I know what I'm talking about. That's what my true loved ones did to me, and now I'm sober and straight, and feeling great.

Answer 4

Well sweetie, being involved with an alcoholic is something that I don't think I could go through. They are irrational and if they're not willing to change and seek help there is nothing you can do for them. If you're not married, get out now. If you love him then I know that it is killing you to see him like that, if he's not everything you want in a man, then leave him. Tell him it's either the booze or you. You're too old and I know you're tired, it's been four years, it's time for him to grow up and choose. I know it hurts babe but if someone is not beneficial to you, in your life than you need to kick them out of it. Simple apologies don't work when you do something like that. You have four years of his apologies stored up...it's not helping anything. His apologies aren't backed by anything...and neither are his promises. You need someone who is going to take care of you and be a good father to your future children, not someone who is still getting drunk. Arguing is only the beginning, violent behavior is the next. Get out while you still can. You've tried to help him. You've done your part honey, let him go. He needs to help himself now. Maybe once he realizes how lucky he was to have someone who loved him, that put up with them, he'll give up and help himself. Love is all about compromise. If he's not willing to get help, you are better off. Give him the option. So you won't have to feel guilty when you walk away and clean your hands of the situation. If you ever feel alone, don't even hesitate to IM I am here, and I know what it's like to have someone you care about be into stuff that you can't get them out of. You feel helpless and like you don't matter. At the same time you feel guilty, because you feel like you're all this person has. Without you he has nothing. It's an awful feeling. I am here, don't hesitate email me something. I am here whenever you just want to talk about it. Us women have to stick together build each other up. Good luck sweetie with whatever you decide!

Answer 5

DRUG ABUSE--There IS a Solution!
- Drugs--Who Takes Them?
- Why Do People Take Them?
- Drugs--There IS an Answer!
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2001/7/8/article_01.htm *

Alone but Not Lonely :
- Why So Many Lonely People?
- When No One Will Ever Feel Lonely Again
- What You Can Do About Loneliness http://watchtower.org/e/20040608/article_01.htm

How to Make Real Friends :
- We All Need Friends
- Satisfying Our Hunger for Friendship
- Good Friends--Bad Friends http://watchtower.org/e/20041208/article_01.htm

*(This URL will likely change soon, whereafter the Advanced Search at http://watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm will find new URLs for its subtitles.)

Answer 6

Have YOU ever attended any ala-non meetings? They are for family and friends (partners) of alcoholics. While you still have to make the final decision about whether you want to remain in this relationship, you might find it helpful to be among other people who are in similar situations. Their details will be different but the story is basically the same.

I know that you feel alone and sad. Everybody is alone when they are in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic because it is all about them and there is NOTHING that you can do to be prettier, funnier, nicer or more desirable to him than alcohol is right now.

Basically.........we go about the business of living or we go about the business of dying. Your choice. Some people choose to die over a long period of time and kill themselves slowly with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling etc.

Keep on trucking. If you need to chat again, e-mail me here.

Answer 7

Do yourself a favour and drop him. He will never change. He abuses you whilst under the influence and then expects you to forgive him. Unless you are willing to go through life being abused and hit when he cannot control his drink. You are still young and will find someone who respects you as a woman and partner and not as a Taxi driver fro his pathetic excuses. Even after Rehab there is no guarantee that he will stay sober. DROP HIM NOW

Answer 8

You are hardly alone in such a problem... many of us have such relationships that touch us. However, you are alone in being the only one who can make the decision. Bless you for asking others to help you - so I will treat this as seriously as the spirit in which you wrote it... Truthfully, you speak of "helping him"... it is clear you are to close to the situation to do that... you can only be hurt should you continue. What he did in the situation you shared was actually very dangerous for you. If he sees you as someone who wil continue to hang in with his behavior (enable him) he has no reason to "change" or seek help. Whether he has gone to AA once, twice, or twenty times should not be your concern. It clearly should be his. Leave while you can. Above all don't feel low, or quilt, or alone... and in terms of "messing with your head"... he can only do that if he is a brain surgeon or if you put yourself in the circumstance of letting him control you... and why would you do that if you can see that he is obviously... out of control over himself? Good fortune to you in this. It is a plague in so many lives today.

Answer 9

Don't feel alone. I have been on both sides of this fence myself. I am an alcoholic in recovery and I have dated an alcoholic as well.

There is nothing you can do to "help" your boyfriend, he has to help himself. It's like trying to lose weight for someone, it just doesn't happen unless something inside that person changes.

As for you, you would benefit greatly from Al-anon. It's a program designed for children, spouses and friends of alcoholics. There might be an issue with you and why you're so willing to hang on to this abusive relationship too.

Education is the key. Keep your head up and good luck.

Answer 10

My ex was a drugy and when I finally left him I was so much happier.You can't help him he has to help himself all you can do is support him when he is ready.I didn't stick around to find out when he was going to be ready.I wasted 5 yrs of my life with him that was enough.I never felt bad for one day after leaving him best thing I ever did.Good Luck.Sometimes people have to loose everything to see what went wrong and to stop doing the bad things IE drinking or drugs.