I Have a restraining order should I get a divorce? or wait to see if he wants to change first.?

Question

my husband has a domestic violence problem and is being requirred to attend a program. I know it's going to take a long time to see if any real change is being made, and I think we should live in seperate houses for many years so I can raise my kids in peace. If he does want to change I would love to stay married and slowly start to date and become friends because we didn't do that at first. I'm just not sure if I'm being unrealistic, I know the chances of him changing arn't that good, but is it wrong for me to want to wait and see?

Answer 1

If you are not happy then get out while you still can. I just broke up with my ex boyfriend about 2 months ago and he has been in and out of the mental hospital ever since. They only keep them there for 72 hours. The other night he showed up to my place bc he said that he wanted to commit suicide and have my mom and i watch him do it. I just went to file the restraining order yesterday. I was undecided bc i was thinking, what if it becomes worse. If you want to be able to live in peace and without having to watch your back all the time then go for it. My teacher ended up dead in front of the police station in our town in 2004 because of her ex husband. Good luck and let me know what happens.

Marie
[e-mail]

Answer 2

I had a restraining order against my husband - I have been seperated from him for 2 years now - divorced for a year. He hasn't changed. After 2yrs, a restraining order, a weekend in jail for violating it, AND living with a girlfriend after a month & half seperation from me - he is still waiting for me to say 'come home darling' not happening - his current girlfriend's friend stopped by to see me at the place I work - she talked about how nice & wonderful my ex-husband is (I'm thinking good for him & whoever has him!!) I don't know why this friend would think I would want to know this, but he is treating his current girlfiriend just as badly as he did me.

First of all, IF you are seriously considering working things out with him eventually, then you need to have counseling for yourself & your children... seperate from your husband. IF there comes a time that you & your husband can do conseling together make sure you research where you go - make sure they have experience with domestic violence cases & couples counseling after domestic violence.

That was a problem I wasn't aware of. My ex was seeking counseling with someone who did not have experience with domestic violence & it made things harder for me.

After 2 years I am still in counseling... still single... I am independent, I feel good about myself & where I am going, & I even date - trying to avoid serious relationship till I know I am healed.

Good Luck - it's a hard situation to be in.

Answer 3

NO DON'T WAIT. WAITING IS WHAT GOT YOU TO THE POINT OF NEEDING A RESTRAINING ORDER IN THE FIRST PLACE !!! I currently have a restraining order against my husband (which is now in effect for a year), the day I filed for the temporary restraining order, I also filed for divorce. You ARE being UNREALISTIC, he will NOT CHANGE and although my husband and I didn't fight regularly, this was the 2nd time in 3 yrs that this happened, but enough was enough accompanied by other things, but I did what I had to do. It may be cool the first few weeks, but the core of who he is will reveal itself once again, despite what he says, your husband has not changed. Aren't you tired of getting your a*s kicked ? What do you want your family to have to bury you in order for you to get a clue ?

Answer 4

Put it this way people do not change. Unless they want to change and work real hard to make the changes. I would concentrate on yourself and your children, most likely your self esteem is shot, and you are afraid of everyone. I was in DV relationship, so I am talking of course from my experience. Your children need to be in a healthy environment and probably are going to need counseling themselves. Maybe even have some behavioral problems that need some attention. I would not wait for him but if he wants to change bad enough and for the family then while you work on the kids and yourself, he can work on his issues and then you will be there for him. But I would not put your life on hold for him hoping that it is going to happen, because you will ignore your problems, the kids problems and may just end up in the same thing and have to start over trying to get back out, if you can. If he can keep controlling you from outside then you will never be free of him.

Answer 5

No, it's not wrong to want to wait. It shows you are looking through your options. I don't know the extent of the violence involved here. In my opinion you have to weigh out the differences and find out on your own. If he was beating on you and abusing your child I would probably stay away, never give him the option of another chance and enforce the restraining order to the fullest. If your case is not as extreme and you still feel love for this person. You should talk to him, see how sincere he is about changing his ways and give him the option of a renewed relationship depending on his ability to finish his treatment and desire to continue the relationship as well. If he is sincere about changing, you will know.

Answer 6

its easy for people to tell you to divorce but really its not that simple by the sounds of it you still love this man and there is nothing wrong with that, i think that you are taking the right steps but dont get a divorce just yet. Just see if he does go to get help and if he is willing to try and change give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean you do have children and while he is getting his act together you concerate on them. Try and be supportive of him as he will need his family to get through this bad time of his life. I dont think that your in a rush for another relationship just yet are you, so yeah just wait and see, if he hasn't got his act cleaned up then stuff him its not like you wasted your full time on him.

Answer 7

We all have a romantic ideal of what a terrific homelife should be like. This doesn't always happen. Your children deserve a peaceful childhood.

It sounds like you already know in your heart that he isn't going to change. Go with your instinct. Your instinct is to protect your kids and our self-esteem. Don't look back. Move forward.

If he cleans up and acts straight, sure, be friends with him for the sake of the kids.

Don't take the wait and see route.....that hasn't worked in the past, and it won't happen anytime soon.

Let your kids enjoy their childhoods.

Answer 8

If it was bad enough for you to need a restraining order, then I'd say divorce him. Abuse is never okay and it's more than likely that he won't change.

And even if you want to put up with him being violent to you, just consider that he could turn on your children.

I think a divorce is necessary- you need to tell him that you're not going to tolerate abuse and you need to punish him for hurting you by taking yourself and the children away.

If he thinks that he can still have a loving wife and children when he abuses them, then he's not going to change.

You owe it to yourself and the kids to remove yourself to a safer environment and you're doing him a favour if you can force him to deal with his problems in order to get his family back.

As to you being unrealistic, I'd say from experience that you might be. My mother divorced my father because he beat her for two years and then turned on my toddler sister and I (I was a newborn). Though she was suicidal from depression and her self-esteem was decimated, my mother knew that she had to be the one to end the violence once and for all. The worse thing is, my father blames my mother for his problems and his temper and for everything bad that happens in his life, even today and they've been divorced 19 years.

You and your children deserve a lot better than violence and you don't want to waste your life on a man who can't control himself.

Lastly, you have to question whether he can really love you if he hurts you.

Answer 9

It's up to you. Write a list of all the pro's and con's and weigh it up.

If it was me, I personally wouldn't wait 5 mins! My son's dad hit me once and I warned him that he gets ONE chance and that was it. If he ever did it again, it's over, coz i won't put up wit dat sh*t. Then about 3 yrs later, he headbutted me and busted my eyebrow open! I had stitches and i still have a scar. The worst thing tho, my son didn't see it happen (thank God) but he walked out the front about 20 secs later and saw me (I was seeing stars at the time almost about to pass out) with blood pouring down my face.

That was 2 and a half yrs ago. My ex still begs for me back but Ive told him there is NO chance! Im moving on with my life!

Answer 10

I think you need to get a divorce.
Domestic violence is a serious problem and that is hard for those men to break it.
Your children would be happier children with a mother that isn't getting knocked around. Trust me.
My mother put up with it for years and years when she finally had enough and left, I was soo happy. Now they are both happier people.