Freaky story: Hot female that wasn't female?

Question

It all started on a brisk Friday. We had just got off school and were really stoked for this weekend. My friend, Luis, was just as amped up as I was. We were talking about girls we would like to see naked during our trip to the mountain ski resort. Luis and I created this elaborate plan where we were going to jerry-rig the chaperone’s log cabin when they weren’t looking. Around the night time, perhaps. Of course this segment was part of plan B which would be employed if plan A had failed. We weren’t exactly sure. I guess with all the eager anticipation weighing down on us we couldn’t think straight.

Luis’ house was amazing. It was three stories high with many luxurious amenities in it to make it look like the playboy mansion. It had automated everything. Voice-activated remote control and a Jacuzzi to house the Donner Party. Personally, what did it for me was Luis’ beautiful sister, named Carlie. She had it all. She had nice, firm cans, a supple butt and a face that when looked at, made you instinctively think of vogue. Luis never told me about her and ‘till then I could see why.

I teased Luis about his extremely hot sister, but I stopped when he get mad at me. I manage to wean a tidbit about her here and there, but Luis was determined for me not know anymore than I had to – at least for what transcended casual conversation. I would ask, “Where does your sister go to college at, Luis?” But really I was more thinking along the lines of, “What is your sister’s bra size, Luis?” He would reply back with monosyllabic words and be dismissive when I asked about her personal life. If anything prevented me from my true, ideal destiny of being with Ms. Carlie, it was my jerk of a friend Luis.

At school, later that night, Luis and I were waiting to embark on our journey to the perilous ski resort. Today, we would leave as sex-crazed adolescent boys, a weekend later, we’d be men. We were determined to evade all parental measures that are parents my have taken to sap the fun out of our field trip. Last night we were able to construct a more sophisticated plan about trapping the chaperones in their log cabin. We figured that we’d get some sedatives to put in their drinks. They would have to retire early. Who would honestly have enough energy, with a heavily sleep-induced agent in their body, to play on the ski slopes? After that, we’d quietly weld a metal rod to their door handle which would be attached to a steel trap. That’s right – a trap. Even if they managed to awake from their heavy sleep and toggle the door open, they’d be knocked flat back on their asses. Call it cruel and unusual if you want to – I call it carrying out mandatory desperate measures.

I brought a book called “Kama Sutra” to entertain me on the bus. I also got fire crackers and a slightly flammable substance, in case that I got really bored. I knew that this travel would be a mind-numbing experience. So why suffer? I looked forward to making the experiences of others a living hell if I couldn’t have fun myself.

OHHHH!!!!! I can’t believe who it is! I looked towards the front seats to where all the chaperones were stationed and I saw Luis sister, Carlie. She was looking fine as the rump side of a turkey would like to starving children in Ethiopia. She was bedecked in a white tight-fitting shirt. She had ravishing blonde tendrils of hair cascading down her God-crafted face. She had an ever-so-short skirt on. She was basically dressed like a *********. At this point I’m thinking why would Luis not tell me about his sister coming along with the trip. Unbeknownst to him, I could have added some alterations to the main plan.

I just started writing this story a 2o minutes ago. So if there are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes, please bear with me.

Tell me if i writing style is ok, or if it needs dramatic improvement. I'm not concerned so much with the content of the story as i am with the diction. Thank you for taking time to read it.

Answer 1

It actually isn't bad. It drew me in, but there are WAY too many words. Cut out the unnecessary words, and shorten sentences that ramble.

Other than that, keep going, I want to read more.

Answer 2

I thout you were leading up to something juicy. Too long and wordy for me and really didn,t know what you were trying to tell us with story. But must complument you on your story line. Thought about becoming a writer? Impressed by the way you can express yourself.

Answer 3

Dude life is too short, and you need to get one.

You can't drug people!



It really rambles on into a pointless oblivion, Sorry just being honest.

Answer 4

you are draggin it out wayyy too long. Im getting bored to be honest.

Answer 5

I love it! You should email me the whole thing when you are done!!!!