before we were married and we agreedthat we would wait a couple years to have "us" time. One night, after spending the evening with his sister and her rambuncious children, he tells me that he could wait another 5 years to have kids. Needless to say, we got into a large discussion about it. He doesn't feel like we're responsible enough to have kids. He feels like we don't do things like we should and are lazy...i.e. get the oil changed in the cars when needed, make dr's appts, etc. I tried to explain to him that ALOT of things change when you have children and you have to learn to adapt and change your lifestyle. I told him that not even the most organized person remembers to make a dentist appt. sometimes! But I don't think he's convinced. Now I may never get to be a mom....and I'm afraid to say that if I had known this before we got married, maybe we wouldn't have....
2007-01-21 16:11:19 · 24 answers · asked by LAB03 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He actually said that he would be fine if he never had children. I don't want to rush into anything either, trust me! But I need to know that there is the possibility....I have always wanted to be a mom!
2007-01-21 16:18:40 · update #1
relax, don't rush, take it easy. he's feeling the pressure and you're the pressure cooker.... one day at a time, okay?
2007-01-21 16:14:15 · answer #1 · answered by cpinkfloyd 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First one is never ready to be a parent. You will understand why I say that when you become one. Your husband is mature enough to know that he {And maybe you} have some growing up to do. Good for him! It seems he feels you both are not being very responsible in some areas of your life. Try to identify those areas and work on them with him and by yourself. Learn to keep a calender of events and mark your oil change dates and appointments on them. develop the habit of being on time and early to every thing you do {work, visits with others}. Get a few parenting books and read them to see what is down the line. It sounds like you have some issues of personality that make you think you are not a "whole" person without kids. This may be more than the yearning of parenthood, you may have some need based selfish attitudes about children that need to be resolved. Keep the lines of communication with your husband up, he seems like he wants to be a better person and wants to make sure introducing kids into the relationship will not hurt who you are as a couple.
2007-01-21 16:22:37 · answer #2 · answered by Roll_Tide! 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't worry sweetie, he's just scared of the hecticness. Give him a little while and he'll settle down. Don't try to rush him, you'll have kids when the time is right. Guys get scared at the thought of having kids after being around them and newly married. My boyfriend is a teenage father and it still scares him to death some times. He asks me, I'm not the mother, and panics, spoils, the works ... it's a learning process. Your husband will do fine when the time comes!
Edit: He said that? I would have talked about that before getting married but you might have, I don't know about that so it's nothing personal. Odds are that in time he'll come around and if you want kids bad enough ... I don't know. Good luck to you, the ability to have children is a gift.
2007-01-21 16:19:04 · answer #3 · answered by ~Les~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about suggesting a compromise? You do not have to set a date to start trying. Things change from day to day, and so do feelings. Chances are his sister's kids scared him to death and he doesn't feel ready to deal with that situation. But how about just suggesting that you discuss it again at the two year mark? See if he feels ready then. Alot can change in a couple of years. Under no circumstances should you try to take matters into your own hands!! Do not try to "accidentally" become pregnant, it will backfire like crazy. I have seen it happen to others, they think once the guy gets used to the idea he will become happy. wrong answer, he will resent having this thrust upon him before he is ready.
2007-01-21 16:21:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's how men are...STUPID! My ex wanted to wait 8 years before we had kids, which would have put me in my late 30's. I don't know how old you are, but I wouldn't wait to have kids after 32 or 33 because your fertility declines. You may still get pregnant but it could be more difficult. You and your husband should REALLY talk this out, maybe even see a therapist. He may just be scared of the responsibility. Or he may just not want to have kids anymore. If that is the case you must end the marriage and find someone to have kids with. Good luck.
2007-01-21 16:18:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like that visit to his sister's house triggered immense fear in him! Unruly children can do that, and I have kids! LOL
Tell him not all children act like his sister's kids for starters.
Also, tell him that it's ok to wait awhile but that you were under the impression that he wanted kids as well. Let him know that you intend on having kids someday, so if he is on two minds, let you know now.
I personally think he's just scared.
I have 4 kids, ages 20, 18, 16 and 12. Nothing prepares us for parenthood. It happens, and we do the best we can. We make mistakes, we learn something new each day. It is an adventure.
2007-01-21 16:16:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Calm down. That will help him calm down, too. Spending time with kids you don't like and/or are too hard to handle can make anyone have negative feelings. When you want to talk about having children, make sure it has been 2 or 3 weeks, at least, since your husband has been with rambunctious kids. Don't even talk about other people's kids. Just talk about what you (both of you) feel. Whenever the time is right (for both of you) it will happen. Don't panic and don't turn this issue into World War 3.
2007-01-21 16:17:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anpadh 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everyone gets busy in their lives. There are always things we NEED to do, like make Dr's appts, get the oil changed, etc. Just because you aren't 'on top of it' doesn't mean you won't make great parents. If you wait til you think you have become responsible adults, you might be waiting longer than 5 years.
2007-01-21 16:16:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW! This sounds like my husband and I 5 years ago! It is extremely mature of your husband to say that he thinks he is not ready to be a father (even if you do not like to hear it). Seriously, enjoy your marriage, work the kinks out, set the tone for your home, and prepare your heart to be a mother. Things can change pretty fast. You married that man for a reason, place some trust in him. When the time is right you will BOTH know. You BOTH must be ready and committed to be good parents! For now, don't worry and enjoy your marriage.
2007-01-21 17:38:40 · answer #9 · answered by Nurse Jacqui 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that if you raise kids right, if you have the mommy home, nurse the child on demand, let the child sleep with you, never hit, try not to yell, eschew day care, and be a good, gentle mom, your kids won't turn out like his sister's.
He should be freaked out, because it is serious business. But, tell him you married with the plan to have kids and if he thinks he is lacking in discipline, he needs to address those things, not give up on being a grownup. Tell him if he will not continue with the plan to have kids, you will have to leave him (if you want to) because the agreement was marriage with children.
2007-01-21 16:16:20 · answer #10 · answered by cassandra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't blow this all out of proportion. You have only recently gotten married. Five years is not a long time to wait before having children, and nobody said anyhing about "never". Tell your husband that you're ok with waiting five years, but after those five years are over, you will expect to try for a baby without further discussions.
2007-01-21 16:15:10 · answer #11 · answered by Liz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋