Can you write an amusing paragraph or 2 or more that includes these funny quotes??

Question

1. God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
2. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
3. I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
4. Talking to her is like swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish.
5. C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British.
6. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy.

Answer 1

I liked Charlie when he had more than a few beers and as I don't touch the stuff, I usually hate drunks. However, he is what I call a 'Gentleman drunk' and quite funny with it. Although, he always sticks to beer, for some unknown reason, he was now talking about Whiskey. It was probably because he had noticed that the two men opposite us were throwing back shorts like nobody's business.

'You know something Pad' I had the feeling that Charlie was going all philosophical with me. 'What's that Chas' I smiled as I asked. 'You know' he continued 'God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world'. 'I think you have forgotten some of the worlds greatest leaders in that statement Chas' I was on the verge of a colossal wind-up. 'JFK for one' I started 'President Regan for two'. I paused to see the effect. He put up one finger but did not speak. 'Wellington, the greatest British General of all time - an Irishman, do you want me to continue?' I asked.

'You know something Pad' Charlie was scratching his head 'you are only right, you know. It was my father who used to say that about the Irish'. 'Yes' I laughed 'and after the Arabs seized the Suez canal because they built it, all the Paddies tried to seize all the motorways and bridges in the UK because they built them as well'. Charlie laughed, then became solemn. 'My father' he said 'had a profound influence on me.......he was a lunatic'. 'Naw, Chas' I pretended to scold him 'Honour thy Father and Thy Mother'. 'Fair enough Pad' he retorted 'Between my mother and father, guess which one was the lunatic. I'll leave the choice to you'.

I lit my pipe and had a swig of my orange juice. I decided to keep the lighthearted banter going. 'You know Chas' I said with a serious face. 'I nearly bought you a book this morning'. 'Oh yeah' he more or less asked me. 'Yes' I continued 'I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?'. He laughed and in doing so, spilt a lot of beer onto the front of his trousers.

'I'll tell you what Chas.' I sat up to give him a short lecture 'I will give you a quick history on Irish Whiskey'. 'Wonderful' Charlie answered 'will you be finished before I get back from having a pee' he laughed. 'No Pad, only joking. I will be just like Dumbo the little elephant - all ears'. Geeze, he went into hysterics and spilt even more of his beer.

'Right you so and so' I started 'Here we go in less than thirty seconds'. I took a deep breath then started 'Irish Whiskey has the letter 'E' in it whilst Scottish Whisky has none. The word comes from the Gaelic - Uisca Beaha - Water of Life. Homemade Irish whiskey is known as Potteen, Mountain Dew, The Hard Stuff, and several deviations from those words. The homemade stuff is usually made from barley and potatoes which are boiled and left to ferment for a week or so. That's called the 'Wash', then it is boiled and the alcohol turns into steam and goes through a cooling coiled pipe called a worm. The whiskey comes out liquid the other end. This goes back through the still again and again. They test it by putting a few drops onto a metal spoon and lighting it. When it burns out, if there is any carbon left on the spoon, it has to go back again until it is clear. There' I asked him 'what do you think of that'.

'Good God Pad' Charlie shook his head 'your worse than my missus, talking to her is like swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish. Anyway, by the time you had finished your lecture on whiskey, your voice was like that little puff C-3PO out of Star Wars'. 'Charlie' I pretended to be surprised 'C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British, and as you are always telling poor old Irish Paddy, all you British and fine upstanding heterosexuals'. Good God, this time Charlie began to spill most of his beer over his trousers.

We were shortly joined by our lady friend Beverley with whom we work. She looked lovely. We had promised her lunch. 'You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy' she sniped at us, but with that wonderful smile of hers that breaks me up. 'What the hell happened to him' she asked pointing to Charlies trousers. 'Can't hold his beer Bev' I joked, 'probably peed on himself'.

'Charlie' I pointed to the wet pants 'come on into the gents toilet, let me have your pants and I'll dry them under the hand dryer'. 'Thanks Pad' Charlie shook his leg as he stood up. We went into the Gents and I told Charlie to go into one of the cubicles and pass me his pants. This he did without any hesitation. I switched on the hand dryer then left the Gents whilst it was making noise. I folded up the trousers.

I returned to Beverley and said 'Charlie is feeling a bit under the weather, he says he is going home. Do you fancy an Indian Curry' I asked. 'Thought you would never ask me' she smiled.

Ten minutes later, we were in the Curry House, the Taj Mahal. 'I hope Charlie will get home alright Paddy' Bev seemed worried. 'He is getting a taxi, so don't worry, enjoy your food' I lied through my teeth. 'Are you trying to get into my pants' she laughed. 'Not really' I lied 'but Charlie will have trouble trying to get into his' I laughed thinking of his prediciment and the fact that his pants were now safely in the boot of my car.

Revenge for that sloppy kiss he tricked me into giving him the other night came early. Grandad was indeed right 'Revenge is a dish, best served cold' and I bet Charlie is very cold indeed before he gets home................

Answer 2

(in a pub)
Okay. So i chickened out. Again. But talking to her was like... swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish!
Hah! Man..you seriously need to get a date for once in ur life. Look at you! Ur a 38y/o man, who hasn't even asked a girl out! Your..your a disgrace to mankind! (lifts up beer bottle)
(tries to get mick out of the pub)
Here we go again..c'mon, let's get you home, I think you've had way too many to drink.
Aww..don't be a party pooper. God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from RULING THE WORLD!!
Okay..nothing to see here folks..c'mon, ur embarrasing me, Mick.
(out of the pub and walking out on the streets)

You know, my father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic, just like me..(laughs while trying to walk in a straight line)
No wonder Anna dumped me. I'm a lunatic! Just like my dad! Ahaha.
I was going to the bookstore today, and i was gonna buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then you know what i saw? Anna pashing another man outside the store! And then i thought, what the hell good would this book do? Positive thinking..my life's ruined.
Well, here we are, ur apartment, you gotta get some rest. I'll call you tomorrow and see how u are. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy.
No need my man, no need. (passes out on the floor)
Okayyyy. (picks mike up and dumps him on the couch)
You owe me one mate.
(leaves) Oh! and by the way, C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British. I'll get ur 10 bucks off you tomorrow then, sometime when u can actually walk and talk properly.
Cya.
(mike groans)

Answer 3

Scott and I were walking in the park and met up with some friends. We were all sitting there chatting and one of them was talking about a literature class he was talking. They were studying Shakespeare and he totally didn't get it. I was a wiz. Oh, I did Shakespeare in the park. Then I got mugged. How embarassing....I decided to go hide at home for a while.... I was sitting there watching tv and came across a show about different people talking about music they liked and why. There was a young blonde woman talking about some old guy she was sleeping with getting her turned on to Mozart. "He taught me how to listen to Mozart." The host asked, "With your ears, right?" Guess he didn't think she was that smart of a blonde..... Just then Mark called me looking for Scott. I had no idea where he went, just cause he was my boyfriend didn't mean I had a tracking device on him. He said he needed help pronto and needed my truck. I couldn't get out of him why, so I finally just blurted out, "Give me ten minutes, ten lousy minutes. I'll fricken get there." I continued asking him what was so darn imprortant, and all he could say was "Trust me. It's me, for heaven's sake...well, trust me anyhow." So I changed clothes and headed out. I get to Mark's and the place is dark. Great. I'm gonna kill him. So I walk in and everyone scares the crap out of me. It's not my birthday, and they thought I was Tina.....Errr.....WRONG! So they are throwing a surprise party and didn't tell me. Oh well. She arrives, we all scare the crap out of her, but she loves it. A little while later, Andy, slightly drunk, comes up to Scott and I. He looks at Scott and says, "The moment I smelled her I loved her." I bursted out laughing. Scott, on the other hand, all serious, says, "Well, smell someone else. She's taken." Too funny. Scott doesn't know that I dated Andy before him, and he was still into me. I was totally done with him. When we broke up, the last thing I told him was, "You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat." I'm not going back to that!

Answer 4

Bravo Maxine s!!!